From Wal-Mart Walkway to Botox Exit

Winnipeg’s Richardson International Airport will soon become the first in Canada to sell the naming rights of terminals, gates and parking garages. –- Winnipeg Free Press, Dec. 16, 2007.

***

It was -30C on a blustery December morning in 2010, but I felt the warmth of the city as I stepped off the plane, strode down Wal-Mart Walkway and saw a sign that said, “Ronald McDonald welcomes you to Winnipeg.”

Though I had been gone only a couple of days, it felt good to be back. I whistled softly as I entered the Triaminic Terminal of Richardson International Airport through Gerber’s Gate C, pausing briefly to admire the Metamucil Mural. I suddenly felt regular and had to make a stop at the Western Union Washroom.

It was a busy day at the airport and there was a short line at Uniroyal Urinal. But I was relieved to find a vacancy at Safeway Stall. I need to buy safer tires, I said to myself, as I sat down on Tostitos Toilet.

After washing my hands at Subway Sink and rubbing them under Domino’s Dryer, I walked briskly to the Boston Pizza Baggage Claim Area. My two suitcases were already on the Canadian Tire Carousel and I was pleased to see they hadn’t been damaged by any of the People Bank Workers.

I put my luggage on a Taste of India Cart and pushed it into the Electrolux Elevator, suddenly feeling the urge to fill the vacuum in my stomach with some rice and curry.

I got off at the Gmail Ground Level, pushed the cart down Chester Fried Chicken Concourse and went through the American Express Automatic Doors, which reminded me that I needed to send an email to my American friend Chester.

As I approached the Plastic Surgery Associates Parking Garage, I tried to remember where I had parked my car. Was it in the Rhinoplasty Section or the Hippoplasty Section? I decided to try Rhinoplasty and was lucky enough to spot my car at the end of Tummy Tuck Row.

After loading my suitcases, I drove to the Botox Exit and paid for the parking at the Liposuction Pay Station. It gave me a receipt and, as I drove away, I turned it over and smiled. It said, “Your ad here.”

(This piece appeared, in slightly different form, in the Winnipeg Free Press.)

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