FunnyColumns

Column: Dear Santa, I'm on your side

Dear Santa,

It’s been almost 365 days since I wrote to you and I want to begin by telling you that the gift you brought me last Christmas just didn’t cut it. I don’t know where you picked up that lousy beard trimmer. I guess it was silly of me to expect someone like you to know anything about beard trimmers.

Before I give you my wish list for this Christmas, I’m sure you want to know whether I’ve been naughty or nice. I’ve been extremely nice, Santa. Unlike you, I haven’t said “ho ho ho” to anyone. I haven’t called a single person “ho,” not even a married one. But I did get slapped in the garden center of Wal-Mart when I asked for a certain digging implement. People are just so touchy these days.

Don’t get me wrong, Santa. I support your right to say “ho ho ho” to anyone you please. People who complain about that are just horrible and hopeless and probably offended that those words begin with ‘ho.’

I’m on your side, Santa, that’s what I want to say. I don’t agree with the U.S. Surgeon General, who believes you’re fat and unhealthy and a poor role model for kids. You’ve always been a good role model for me, Santa. At dinner time, when I’m trying to decide whether to have another slice of pizza, I always ask myself, “What would Santa do?” And then I eat five more.

I also disagree with the people who want you to stop saying “Merry Christmas” because it might offend people of other religions. It’s so easy to get offended these days, Santa. I could get offended every time someone says “What’s up?” to me. Frankly, Santa, I’m getting old and there’s nothing up anymore. Well, aside from my cholesterol, that is.

Listen, Santa, I’d prefer it if you didn’t say “Happy Holidays!” That’s just so dull and insipid. Instead of that, why not say “Merry Christmas!” to Christians and “Happy Diwali” to Hindus? And if you’re not sure if someone is Christian or Hindu, just say, “Merry Chriswali!”

No lashes, but 15 days in jail for Gibbons

Gillian Gibbons, the British teacher who let her students name a teddy bear Muhammad, has been convicted of insulting Islam and sentenced to 15 days in prison, after which she'll be booted out of Sudan. The judge could have sentenced her to 40 lashes and six months in prison, but was apparently swayed by a defense motion requesting him to use part of his brain.

The sentence, which seems intended to appease both sides, has not satisfied anyone, though some are more upset than others.

Thousands of Sudanese, many armed with clubs and knives, rallied Friday in a central square and demanded the execution of a British teacher convicted of insulting Islam for allowing her students to name a teddy bear "Muhammad."

The protesters streamed out of mosques after Friday sermons, as pickup trucks with loudspeakers blared messages against Gillian Gibbons, the teacher who was sentenced Thursday to 15 days in prison and deportation. She avoided the more serious punishment of 40 lashes.

They massed in central Martyrs Square outside the presidential palace, where hundreds of riot police were deployed. They did not try to stop the rally, which lasted about an hour.

"Shame, shame on the U.K.," protesters chanted.

They called for Gibbons' execution, saying, "No tolerance: Execution," and "Kill her, kill her by firing squad." [Link]

Asked if he was just as upset about the genocide in Darfur, one of the protesters pondered the question for a moment, then shouted, "Kill her, kill her by firing squad!"

A Muslim cleric at Khartoum's main Martyrs Mosque denounced Gibbons during one sermon, saying she intentionally insulted Islam. He did not call for protests, however.

"Imprisoning this lady does not satisfy the thirst of Muslims in Sudan. But we welcome imprisonment and expulsion," the cleric, Abdul-Jalil Nazeer al-Karouri, a well-known hard-liner, told worshippers. [Link]

They're thirsty? Perhaps they shouldn't be trying to dig a grave for Gibbons. Perhaps they should be trying to dig a well.

Muhammad Abdul Bari, secretary-general of the Muslim Council of Britain, accused the Sudanese authorities of "gross overreaction."

"This case should have required only simple common sense to resolve. It is unfortunate that the Sudanese authorities were found wanting in this most basic of qualities," he said. [Link]

Muhammad sounds upset. But if you ask his family, they'll tell you that he's kind and gentle. You might even call him a teddy bear.

The satellite technology that helps you go

If you're shopping in London and desperate to hit the loo, satellite technology may help you pinpoint the nearest one, saving you the trouble of asking someone.

First came SatNav, the satellite system that helps guide even the most hapless drivers home - now the "SatLav" has been unveiled, to guide shoppers to the nearest toilet. [Link]

SatNav is short for satellite navigation and SatLav for satellite lavatory (SatLoo was probably taken). I wonder what's next:

SatKid -- helps you find your child after you're done shopping.

SatMan -- helps you find the bench on which your man has sat.

SatBag -- helps you find the nearest sale on handbags.

SatWinder -- helps you find CDs of your favorite Punjabi singer.

It is one of a growing number of services available to mobile phone users, who can already use their handsets to get directions or find taxis, plumbers or even recycling centres.

The technology used in SatLav is similar to that in modern GPS systems. The user simply sends a text message with the word 'toilet' to 80097, and a satellite pinpoints their location.

The satellite picks up the mobile phone's signal and uses it to find the location of the nearest phone mast.

From that it establishes the post code in which the user is standing, which it sends to a database containing all of the toilets registered with the scheme.

The database then automatically finds a toilet that matches the postcode and sends a text message back to the user with the information. The entire process takes just seconds. [Link]

It had better take just seconds. Otherwise you'll be standing cross-legged for a few minutes, then cursing your cell phone when you see the message: "Nearest toilet is half a mile away. You could have been there already."

Robert Thurner, commercial director of mobile technology company Incentivated, which developed SatLav and maintains the database of toilets, said that the latest mobile technology was "making residents' lives easier". ...

SatLav was developed by the council with Incentivated and is the brainchild of student Gail Knight, who entered the idea into a council competition.

Miss Knight, 26, said: "When I am out with friends we are always ducking into McDonalds or department stores to use their loos but we feel a bit bad about it." [Link]

Almost everyone has sneaked into McDonald's at one time or another, which is why the fast-food chain is able to say, "Billions and billions served."

Westminster councillor Alan Bradley said: "From today onwards nobody should get caught short again, and we understand how important that is, be it for a young mum with children in tow, older people or friends on a shopping trip or a night out."

It is hoped that giving people a service to tell them where their nearest toilet is might also encourage them not to urinate on the street after a night on the town. [Link]

Yeah, because after they've had a night on the town, they're going to have the good sense to use their cell phones to find the nearest toilet. For such people, it would make more sense to offer another service: SatTree.

Photo by iLoveButter

Sign makers need speling lesons

I love the spell-checker on my computer. If it wasn't for that, I'd be making lots of spelling mistakes. I'm particularly inept when it comes to double letters: Is it aggressive or agressive or aggresive or agresive? They all look pretty good to me.

It's a pity there isn't a spell-checker for signs. Some people could really use it. Actually, perhaps it's not such a pity. It does allow us to laugh occasionally. Or is it ocasionaly?

Someone forgot to use spell-check on the state’s newest historical marker in Santa Fe.

The state just put up the marker honoring the four sisters of Loretto.

The marker is supposed to honor the push for education made by the nuns.

But the marker misspells Loretto.

To top it off, the second “n” is missing from the word known.

The Department of Transportation said a private company that made the marker is to blame. [Link]

Perhaps the department should not have accepted a bid from "Econocomical Sign Manufacters."

We're outraged that they're outraged

Her students chose the name Muhammad for the teddy bear and she assented; now the British teacher in Sudan faces a potential punishment of 40 lashes. Welcome to another episode of "As the world goes insane."

The country's top Muslim clerics pressed the government to ensure that the teacher, Gillian Gibbons, is punished, comparing her action to author Salman Rushdie's "blasphemies" against the Prophet Muhammad.

The charges against Gibbons angered the British government, which urgently summoned the Sudanese ambassador to discuss the case. British and American Muslim groups also criticized the decision.

Gibbons, 54, was arrested at her home in Khartoum on Sunday after some parents of her students accused her of naming the bear after Islam's prophet. Muhammad is a common name among Muslim men, but the parents saw applying it to a toy animal as an insult. [Link]

An insult? Someone needs to tell them that a teddy bear is considered a cuddly, lovable toy. It's not like she gave the name 'Muhammad' to a red monster with a big orange nose. (No offense, Elmo. You're pretty lovable too.)

Sudanese Prosecutor-General Salah Eddin Abu Zaid said Gibbons was charged with inciting religious hatred and her case would be referred to courts Thursday.

If convicted, she faces up to 40 lashes, six months in jail and a fine, said Abdul-Daem Zumrawi, an undersecretary at the Justice Ministry. [Link]

You know who deserves 40 lashes? The parents who made a case of this. All they needed to do was tell Gibbons they were offended and, as British MP  Boris Johnson suggests, "she could have apologised; she could have instantly changed the name of the mascot to Paddington, or some other name less offensive to Muslims. She could have called it Aloysius, like the chap in Evelyn Waugh, and though Aloysius is a pretty emetic name for a teddy bear, no one would have suggested locking her up."

Muslim leaders in Britain and the U.S. strongly rejected the charges against Gibbons.

"This is a disgraceful decision and defies common sense," said Muhammad Abdul Bari, secretary-general of the Muslim Council of Britain. He said there was "clearly no intention" by the teacher to "deliberately insult the Islamic faith."

The American Islamic Congress also criticized the decision. "The Sudanese government's ridiculous case trivializes the feelings of Muslims around the world," said Nasser Weddady, the organization's civil rights outreach director. [Link]

It may come as a shock to some people, but not all Muslims think alike. Most of them are just like you and I: sane.

His Indian accent gets him some English money

The Indian accent just doesn't get enough respect in the West. Some people make fun of it, others just don't understand it. A man with a thick Indian accent wouldn't be able to order pizza in America.

Indian man: "I yam vanting a large peeja please."

Waitress: "Picture? We don't have pictures here.'

Man: "No, peeja! I yam vanting peeja!"

Waitress: "Pee jar? Sorry sir, we don't allow that here. You'll have to use the restroom."

The Indian accent is even getting the short end of the stick in India.

LONDON, Nov. 28 An Indian-born British man dismissed from a New Delhi call center for not sounding English enough has won a discrimination lawsuit in England.

Chetankumar Meshram, 27, works for the Talk Talk Direct telecommunications company in Northampton, and last year accepted a two-month transfer to New Delhi to work in the company's call center.

However, just three weeks into the job, he was told his accent "wasn't English enough" and he had to return home, The Times of London reported Wednesday.

"I know I speak with an accent but my job out there was to give technical advice, not to give expertise on how to communicate," said Meshram, who was born in India, and emigrated to England two years ago, the report said. [Link]

I wonder whom he was giving technical advice to. Was it Indians, Britons or Indians pretending to be Britons?

The Bedford Employment Tribunal agreed with his claim he had suffered both direct and indirect discrimination and awarded him $10,000 compensation for hurt feelings and expenses. [Link]

Only ten grand? The man lost his job and had "hurt feelings"! Surely his "hurt feelings" alone are worth 50 grand. And if he's married, his wife probably had "hurt feelings" too. And what about his children? What about his parents? What about his dog? All those "hurt feelings" should add up to a million bucks.

I wonder what he's going to do with the money. I hope he isn't going to use it for "accent-reduction" surgery. Having an Indian accent could be really useful in the future, especially when India starts outsourcing its jobs to the West.

Air India has lots of competition

I blogged a few days ago about the many complaints from Air India's customers and I'd like to follow up with this observation: Air India is hardly outstanding, not even when it comes to poor service. The airline has plenty of competition, particularly in recent years, as Michelle Higgins of The New York Times writes.

OVER the past few years — and this will probably come as no surprise to anyone who has gotten on a plane over this Thanksgiving weekend — flying in coach has become an increasingly miserable experience. Legroom is practically nonexistent. Passengers are more tightly packed together. Hot meals have been eliminated. Ditto pillows and blankets. And the next time that guy in front of you leans his seat back directly into your face, few of your fellow passengers are likely to blame you if you feel a brief, murderous urge to strike back.

All this has created a generation of fliers who now view getting on a plane as roughly akin to entering the ninth circle of hell. [Link]

"Flying in coach" means "economy class," but as far as the airlines are concerned, it might as well be called "animal freight." Actually, some animals have it better. Pigs, for example, have more legroom and better tasting food.

Doug Fesler, an executive at a medical research group in Washington, wasn’t expecting much in the way of amenities on his American Airlines flight to Honolulu in September. In fact, knowing the airline no longer served free meals, he had packed his own lunch for the second leg of his flight from Dallas to Honolulu. But he said he was shocked at the lack of basic services and the overall condition of the cabin.

On that flight, the audio for the movie was broken. The light that indicated when the bathroom was occupied was squirrely, causing confusion and, in some cases, embarrassingly long waits for passengers in need of the lavatory. And though food was available for purchase, it ran out before the flight attendants could serve the entire cabin, leaving some fellow passengers looking longingly at the snack he had packed. [Link]

Passenger: "May I have a roast beef sandwich please?"

Flight attendant: "Sorry, sir, we've run out of food."

Passenger: "You've run out of food? What's wrong with you people?"

Flight attendant: "Please don't raise your voice, sir. It could have been worse. We could have run out of gas."

Britney edges out Uganda in media attention

Celebrities seem to dominate the news in North America and elsewhere. Most American teens wouldn't be able to name the capital of Uganda, but would have no trouble naming the brand of underwear Britney Spears wears. Or doesn't wear. Blogger Ethan Zuckerman has used Google News to make an interesting comparison:

If Britney were a nation, she’d be the 60th most reported nation in the world, between Jamaica and Uganda. Lindsay Lohan is receiving far less media attention right now, ranking just below #130, Mozambique. Paris Hilton is marginally less interesting than #90, Ethiopia, though Tom Cruise is just a hair more newsworthy, challenging Yemen for #89.

To break into the top ranks, it helps to run for US President, like Hillary Clinton, who ranks between #24 Singapore and #25 Vietnam. (Not to fear - she beats out Brazil and Saudi Arabia.) Barack Obama is a bit behind, ranking between #30 Switzerland and #31 Netherlands… but far more interesting than #57 Kenya. [Link]

I'm stunned. I didn't realize there were 59 countries getting more media attention than Britney. Her career is really in the pits. Jamaica is beating her and they don't even have a video out. And what about Paris Hilton? She's losing to Ethiopia, though it's been more than three years since Angelina Jolie adopted a baby from there. Even Tom Cruise is on top of Paris, but he's hardly the first man to be able to say that.

The millionaire who shops at the thrift store

Can money bring you happiness? Only to a certain extent, I say. Only until your basic needs are met. If you have to walk three miles to work, buying a Honda Civic may make you happy, especially if the boss gives you a parking spot. But after you've driven the Civic for a year, don't think you'd be much happier if you bought an SUV. Sure, you might be happier for the first week or two, but after your friends are done complimenting you, your level of happiness won't be much different than before. It might even be lower, when you realize that to afford all the extra gas you're using, you have to eat Ramen noodles for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

It shouldn't surprise you, then, that some people give all their money away and live a somewhat ascetic lifestyle.

Travel company operator Hal Taussig buys his clothes from thrift shops, resoles his shoes and reads magazines for free at the public library.

The 83-year-old founder of Untours also gives away all of his company's profits to help the poor -- more than $5 million since 1999. He is content to live on Social Security.

Taussig takes a salary of $6,000 a year from his firm, but doesn't keep it. It goes to a foundation that channels his company's profits to worthy causes in the form of low-interest loans. (About seven years ago, the IRS forced him to take a paycheck, he said, because they thought he was trying to avoid paying taxes by working for free.)

If he has money left at the end of the month in his personal bank account, he donates it.

At a time of the year when many people are asked to give to the poor, Taussig provides a model for year-round giving.

''I could live a very rich life on very little money. My life is richer than most rich people's lives,'' he said. ''I can really do something for humanity.'' [Link]

Taussig could afford to have a limousine take him to work every day, but what does he do instead? He rides a bike. So if you happen to see an old man riding a bike, wearing resoled shoes and second-hand clothes, try not to look down on him -- no matter how high your SUV is.

Photo by greenfantasy

Forget democracy, we want the king

I love democracy and would like to see more countries adopt it. But before we ask citizens of a country to vote in an election, perhaps we should let them vote on whether they really want to vote. If democracy ran against monarchy in a free and fair election, it would be trounced like Michael Dukakis in at least one country: Bhutan. (If you've never heard of Bhutan, don't feel bad. Angelina Jolie hasn't yet adopted a child from there.)

THIMPHU, Bhutan — Kuenzang Dorji has an unusual problem.                       

As interim prime minister of Bhutan, a tiny Buddhist monarchy wedged between China and India, he is responsible for educating 632,000 citizens on the nuts and bolts of democracy before the country's first national election next year.

But most Bhutanese would rather keep their king.           

Largely mountainous, Bhutan is one of the world's most isolated nations, with few foreign companies, an overwhelmingly rural economy and a lack of basic infrastructure.           

Even during the peak travel season, just two flights arrive at the country's sole airport each day. In Thimphu, Bhutan's capital, the first stoplight installed was removed several years ago after residents complained it conflicted with local culture.

"Bhutan has enjoyed unprecedented progress, peace and prosperity, and that was all because of the good governance of (King Jigme Singye Wangchuk), so people have no reason to want a change in the running of the country," Dorji said. [Link]

Bhutan may be a poor country, but it's faring well in what the king calls "gross national happiness." You don't have to be rich to be happy, at least that's what I've heard.

Many in Bhutan are skeptical of democracy and say dividing communities along political lines is already causing conflict ahead of elections in February and March.

"Backbiting, scorn and suspicion have clearly become the order of the day," a Bhutanese newspaper recently said about politicking in Rangjung, a town near the Indian border. [Link]

Instead of saying "The king is great!" and "Long live the king!" people are saying, "The liberals suck!" and "The conservatives blow!" Well, not exactly, but you get the point. People are suddenly divided and it's only a matter of time before someone gets called a macaca.

Last December, Jigme, who ruled this country for more than 30 years, announced that he was abdicating in favor of his 26-year-old son, Jigme Khesar Namgyel Wangchuck.

The prospect of self-governance seemed to send shivers down many spines here. Why have politicians? people wanted to know. Wasn't the king always supposed to know what is best for his people and guide them accordingly? Couldn't they see what democracy had wrought on neighboring countries? [Link]

Why have politicians? That's a question that's being asked in a lot of countries these days, almost as often as "Why have erectile dysfunction?"

"The going is good," said Tshering Tobgay, 42, a retired civil servant who is working with a former cabinet minister to start the People's Democratic Party. "We want more of the same." [Link]

"More of the same" isn't necessarily a bad thing, is it? After all, Americans wanted "more of the same" in 2004 and they got ... okay, bad example.

Photo by Graham King

Watch out, the camels are coming!

The UN-African Union peacekeeping force in Sudan's Darfur region is having trouble getting around. They don't have enough jeeps and helicopters, so they're resorting to the next best thing: camels. These are no ordinary camels, of course. These are combat-trained camels.

India's Border Security Force (BSF) said it received a request last week from the United Nations to send the specially schooled animals to the troubled African region. ...

"All our camels are engaged in border-guarding duties and this whole process could take a long time," said BSF spokesman Vijay Singh, adding the agency could currently spare up to 60 of its 700-plus battle-ready animals for Sudan.

Indian border security forces use camels for long-range reconnaissance, including night patrols to track arms and drugs smugglers heading into the western states of Rajasthan and Gujarat from nearby Pakistan. [Link]

Camels are great because not only can they attain speeds of 40 mph, they don't require you to empty your wallet at the gas station.

India and South Africa are the only countries known to use camels for military purposes. [Link]

The United States military has used camels in the past -- and not just the kind you smoke. According to Wikipedia, "The United States Army had an active camel corps stationed in California in the 19th century." But they were apparently too stubborn and aggressive, qualities that are acceptable only in the Commander-in-Chief.

BSF deputy commandant Kamal Kumar Rathore, who heads the force's camel division, said India could purchase the animals from the open market and transport them to Sudan after a crash course in combat.

"There is no dearth of camels and we can make outright purchases, put them through a capsule course of four months and dispatch them to that country," Rathore said. [Link]

UN Peacekeeper: "What happened? Why did our camels crash into each other?"

Second Peacekeeper: "Blame the Indians. They put these animals through a crash course."

He said the camels conscripted into the BSF are trained not to react to gunfire and are taught to crawl and follow other "soldierly movements." [Link]

Soldier: "Let's crawl behind these rocks, so the enemy doesn't see us."

Camel: "Good idea. All they'll see is a big hump sticking out."

"Our camels move up to 80 kilometres (50 miles) with short breaks carrying ammunition and two mounts and they would be perfect.... I would be happy to lead them into Sudan," Rathore said. [Link]

I hope all the historians around the world are paying attention. If they're going to have a chapter in their books entitled "Napoleon leads his soldiers into Russia," they'd better have one entitled "Rathore leads his camels into Sudan."

Photo by FriskoDude

The Edmonton man who's really into cars

Some men are really obsessed with cars. They buy fancy cars and spend hours washing and waxing them. They enjoy driving their cars -- and enjoy just looking at them too. They get a lot of pleasure out of their cars, almost as much pleasure as they get out of their wives. Some of them don't have wives, of course. They've got only one woman in their lives and her name is Mercedes. Or is it Lexus?

Being in love with cars isn't a bad thing, unless you get carried away, like a man in Edmonton named Sandy Wong. He's crazy about 'em. You won't believe how crazy.

... Wong was observed checking out three BMW vehicles on display at the BMW display at the Home and Garden Show on March 22. Then, he was seen sitting on the roof of a 2007 BMW 328i sedan, valued at $50,000.

Shortly after that, Wong had dropped his sweat pants to his ankles and was spotted masturbating while sitting with his legs dangling over the driver’s door window.

Security eventually detained Wong until police showed up and a clean-up crew had to wash down the BMW.

According to psychiatrist Dr. Curtis Woods, Wong says he is “sexually attracted” to the BMW’s roof top because “it’s curved like a woman’s body, the sex appeal, it felt good.”

Woods said Wong reported he also gets aroused by certain cars, including a 1967 Camaro and a 1955 Chevy Bel Air, and blames the owners for buying the cars because it tempts him to “pleasure” himself. [Link]

Wong obviously has some psychiatric problems, exposing himself in public like that. But you have to wonder how many men share his car fetish, how many of them get turned on by cars. You don't think they buy Car and Driver magazine just to read the articles, do you?

Photo by harlemdakota

New York City needs more monkeys, India doesn't

There are plenty of monkeys in New York City and many of them happen to be Jets fans. But they're not the type of monkeys you'd want to eat -- if you're into eating them, that is. Monkey meat is a delicacy for some West African people, including a Liberian immigrant named Mamie Manneh, who has been charged with meat smuggling. A mother of nine children, she faces five years in prison, in addition to a two-year sentence she's currently serving for an unrelated offense, and could also be deported.

Manneh testified last year that before arriving in the United States more than 25 years ago, monkey meat was critical to her religious upbringing.

At age 7, "I was baptized and they used that for the baptizing ceremony," she told a judge.

Baptisms, Easter, Christmas, weddings — all are occasions for eating monkey, Manneh's supporters said in a sworn statement filed with the court.

The statement was vague about how the meat is obtained, but explains that it always arrives dried and smoked. Once blessed by a pastor, "we usually prepare it by cooking it for several hours into a stew," they said.

For them, the exotic import is more than just food.

"We eat bushmeat," they said, "for our souls."  [Link]

I've never eaten monkey meat -- my local grocery store doesn't carry it -- but I don't think it's any different from eating other wild animals. If you were raised on monkey, you'd probably get a craving every time you visited the zoo. You'd say to yourself, "The sign says, 'Don't feed the monkeys,' but it doesn't say anything about feeding on them."

You'd probably also wish you could import monkeys from India, where they're causing trouble in some towns and cities, behaving almost as badly as Shiv Sena activists.

Troupes of monkeys are out of control in India's northeast, stealing mobile phones and breaking into homes to steal soft drinks from refrigerators, lawmakers in the region have complained.

"Monkeys are wreaking havoc in my constituency by taking away mobile phones, toothpastes, sipping coke after opening the refrigerators," Hiren Das told Assam state's assembly Saturday.

He said the primates were "even slapping women who try to chase them". [Link]

They're sipping Coke and slapping women? What are they going to do next -- watch football?

We really need to do something about these male chauvinist monkeys. Exporting them is a possibility, but there's an easier option: inviting Mamie Manneh and her nine children to visit. As she and her friends might say, "If you can't beat 'em, eat 'em."

Photo by davideoneclick

Whatever you do, make sure you have the right guy

Mistaken identity can result in some funny situations, as it did last year when the BBC interviewed the wrong 'Guy.' Guy Goma, a Congolese man, was at their studio in London applying for a job, while Guy Kewney, the editor of a technology website, was there to be interviewed about a high court verdict on music downloading. The wrong Guy was put on the air and the video of the interview still makes me laugh. Goma's expression when he's introduced is priceless.

But mistaken identity can also result in some tragic situations, as it did recently when a Tanzanian hospital got two men with the same first name mixed up.

The Tanzanian man who had a knee operation when he had a tumour in his brain, has died after finally having the operation he required.

Emmanuel Mgaya, 19, died hours after the surgery, performed two weeks late.

Meanwhile, Emmanuel Didas, 20, who had brain surgery although his complaint was in the knee, is slowly recovering but he remains partially paralysed.

The government has apologised for the mix-up, which has been blamed on both men having the same first name. [Link]

Yeah, that's why a really smart person, many years ago, decided that people should have last names! People also have dates of birth and identification numbers that should prevent any mix ups, if the doctors and nurses are wide awake and sober.

Mr Didas cannot move his right side following the unnecessary operation. ...

Health Minister David Mwakyusa said a commission has been set up to investigate the saga and pledged to send Mr Didas to India for specialised treatment. [Link]

They had originally planned to send him to a hospital in Britain, but were concerned that Guy Goma might be applying for a job there.

Mr Mgaya was also due to have treatment in India but died before this was possible. ...

His family say they are not planning to sue the government - they always knew he only had a 50% chance of survival, as the tumour had grown so large. [Link]

If they don't file a lawsuit, I hope Didas does. That would help keep the hospital accountable. If he can't find a good lawyer, there's a guy in London who's willing to act like one.

Lose your bride, not your pride

I've got a bald spot that seems to expand with each passing day, but thankfully, it wasn't too prominent when I got married. Prabir Das, of Assam, India, isn't so lucky.

A man was beaten by his fiance and in-laws and relieved of his belongings in India after they found out he was bald and wearing a wig, it was alleged yesterday.

Prabir Das, of Dispur in Assam, told police that his fiancé yanked off his hairpiece after dinner last week and began beating and abusing him for hiding his pate.

Her parents then joined in, ripping his expensive wig apart and relieving the 33-year-old of his wallet, mobile phone, motorbike and driving licence as “penalty” for his deception, he alleged. [Link]

Were these in-laws or outlaws? Ripping his wig is one thing, ripping him off is quite another.

Is wearing a hairpiece really deception? What about having breast implants or false teeth? Perhaps it depends on how permanent they are. Das got himself an expensive wig, but forgot to buy some Super Glue.

Mr Das, who works at a private hospital, had advertised for a bride in the matrimonial columns of a local newspaper – a common practice in India – and Dilip Roy, seeking a match for his daughter Shreshta, responded.

The wedding was fixed for Dec 12, and the bride’s family began putting together Shreshta’s trousseau and dowry at great expense.

But to Mr Das’s eventual humiliation an acquaintance spilled the beans to the stunned Mr Roy.

The superintendent Rajen Singh said Mr Roy had been questioned and denied the fracas. [Link] 

Police: "Mr. Roy, did you have fracas with Mr. Das?"

Roy: "Fracas? No fracas. We had chapati and dal."

The wedding, police said, appears to be off. [Link]

I'd say it's off. And that's a good thing too. Better to be abused by the woman you almost married than the one you did.

Photo by Alexanderthegreatest

Want service? Don't fly Air India

London resident Vijay Rana has created Air India Story, a blog that records how Air India treats its passengers. Dozens of people have already posted their stories, mostly complaining about canceled flights, long delays, poor service and rudeness.

I once traveled by Air India (for the first and last time), from Singapore to Chennai. There was a Singaporean Indian beside me. ... He asked for a beer from the air-hostess. She took awfully long to arrive, but to my surprise she had two cans instead of one. The man asked why, to which she replied, "You will ask for another can anyways, so just have it." [Link]

After reading this story, thousands of men vowed not to fly any other airline. Two beers instead of one! That should be AI's slogan.

I have had varied experiences. On one occasion, I had a very efficient and courteous flight attendant. On another, I was cold and asked for a blanket. The attendant said they weren't given sufficient blankets (because it is a "temperature controlled flight"), but she tried to help me by "stealing" one from a passenger who was sleeping. He actually woke up and snatched it back from her -- good for him. I don't remember if I finally got one or not, but it sure was amusing. [Link]

Amusing for you, but probably not for the other guy. If you ever fly AI, make sure you take your own blanket and some sort of anti-theft device.

In 2000, a friend of mine traveled from the United States to India on an Air India flight whose final destination was Bangalore. ... This flight, which was through LHR, did not serve any meals at all in the economy class. They stated that the caterer failed to upload food. [Link]

No food on a flight from the U.S. to India? I'd be walking down the aisle asking passengers, "Did anyone bring a pot in their carry-on baggage? That flight attendant looks really delectable."

Three years back, my two kids and I boarded the Air India flight from Trivandrum to Dubai. You must understand the effort a father takes on a trip with small kids and the pain of feeding them food and water. When the male attendant started serving coffee/tea after lunch, I politely asked him not to give it to me then, and I would ask later, because I was feeding my younger one. The man replied: "If you want it, take it. I don’t have time to serve you later." [Link]

What he should have said was: "You'd better take your tea now, sir. We might run out of hot water."

Short, overweight women need not apply

The Olympics are more than eight months away, but already China is trying hard to get some negative publicity for it.            

Beijing is seeking women presenters for medals ceremonies at the 2008 Olympics -- but only those who are tall and thin need apply.

Hundreds of young women will be recruited as volunteers to present medals and raise flags at ceremonies for the Games, which open on August 8, but they must meet stringent criteria. [Link]

Let me get this straight: You can't be short, you can't be overweight, and you can't have any testosterone? Perhaps male volunteers are being used for other tasks, such as beating up all the protesters.

"We have some very clear conditions and demands," explained Zhao Dongming, director of the Cultural Activities Department at Beijing's Organizing Committee for the Games.

"We have certain requirements for their height, since they are to present the medals to our athletes. They need to be of a height between 1.68 and 1.78 meters. That's above average." [Link]

1.78 meters? That's about 5-foot-10, tall enough to play center on the Indian basketball team.

There's no height requirement for the athletes -- some of those weightlifters are pretty short -- so why should there be one for the volunteers?

There was no requirement on their weight, Zhao said, but he added: "Generally speaking, they can't be too fat. Their figure should be good. They shouldn't be too heavy."

The guidance was so the women, who must be between 18 and 25 and university students, would fit into the uniforms being prepared for them, he said. [Link]

Ah, the uniforms. I knew there was a logical reason for this. It doesn't matter what you weigh, as long as you can fit into a Size 2 dress.

You also have to be 18 to 25 and a university student? I'm really disappointed in the Organizing Committee. If they had tried harder, they could have discriminated even more. They could have required all the women to be English-speaking, light-skinned and well-endowed.

Come on, China, we expect more from you.

Photo by Marc van der Chijs

Column: Many reasons to be thankful

I've always enjoyed Thanksgiving in America, because it reminds everyone to be thankful. Just go to any home on Thanksgiving Day and you will meet people who are thankful -- thankful they have an opportunity, in this great country, to stuff themselves with food. Yes, many people spend the entire day being thankful.

I wish everyone around the world could be just as thankful -- and not just once a year. There are many reasons to be thankful. Here are just a few:

Be thankful if you have food on your plate, if you aren't constantly hungry, if you don't lick your lips whenever you spot your neighbor's Chihuahua.

Be thankful if you have an unlimited supply of water, if your plants don't have to be that thirsty, if your children don't have to be that dirty.

Be thankful if you enjoy freedom of speech, if you can write a book portraying the president as a horse's behind, if you don't have to extricate the book from yours.

Be thankful if you have freedom of worship, if you can attend a church, temple or mosque without any fear, if no one stones you when you wear your "Elvis is king" T-shirt.

Be thankful if you're smarter than the average teen, if you can find Oman, Sudan, Kenya and Samoa on a world map, if you don't think they're parts of speech, as in: "Oman, I'm Sudan tired! Kenya give me Samoa water?"

Be thankful if you have health insurance or free health care, if you can see a doctor anytime you wish, if your doctor isn't sitting in front of a web camera in Bangalore.

Be careful what you do, Facebook is watching

While searching for a recipe the other day, my wife saw an ad for an Indian website on a non-Indian cooking site. She guessed that her online activity was being tracked and ads were being served to her according to her interests or profile. Websites have been doing this for a while, but it's still a little disturbing to me. Imagine if you went to the mall and a man followed you around, making note of which stores you entered, which items you bought or looked at. Then, as you're leaving, the man comes to you and says, "Hey, I noticed you went into the bookstore and were looking at Bill O'Reilly's book. How would you like to buy some pills for mental health?"

If that seems intrusive, just wait till you see what Facebook is doing.

The social-networking service earlier this month began posting updates about users' activities on Web sites outside of Facebook and on commercial pages within Facebook -- in some cases, alongside ads from the companies behind those Web sites or pages. Facebook is posting users' photos alongside certain advertisements, another feature that has alarmed some privacy advocates and users.

For instance, a user who logs on to Facebook might see an update in a section of the site called the "news feed" noting the movie a friend rented from an online site, along with a photo of that friend and a movie-rental ad. [Link]

I don't know about you, but I'd rather not put an update on a friend's page that says, "Your friend Melvin just rented Girls Gone Wild 3. Wouldn't you like to watch it too?" Next thing you know, I'd have a dozen guys in my living room.

MoveOn.org Civic Action, a media-watchdog group, created a group on the Facebook site yesterday called, "Petition: Facebook, stop invading my privacy!" By last night, nearly 2,000 Facebook members had joined the group.

The backlash comes as online advertisers experiment with "behavioral targeting," or sending people ads based on personal information about them. A common type of behavioral targeting involves tracking the Web sites an Internet user visits in order to send them ads that are relevant to their interests.

Facebook, critics argue, takes its advertising beyond that by collecting specific data about its users' activities on outside sites and broadcasting that data to their friends and acquaintances. Critics of the new feature say the Palo Alto, Calif., company makes it difficult to opt out of it. [Link]

You can opt out of it, but you have to do it each and every time. The man following you around in the mall won't just disappear when you tell him to get lost. He'll keep returning.

Man: "You're going into Macy's? May I follow you in there and tell your friends what you're buying?"

You: "No. Get lost! I'm buying Christmas gifts. I want them to be a surprise."

Man: "You're going into Victoria's Secret next? May I follow you in there and tell your friends what you're buying?"

You: "No. Get lost! I don't want my friends to buy the same lingerie as mine."

Man: "You're going into Pet World next? May I follow you in there and tell your friends what you're buying?"

You: "Sure, come along. I'm going to buy a boxer, so he can bite the butt of the guy who's following me around."

Photo by basykes

We've got oil, we can do whatever we want

If you want to go back in time and experience life in the Middle Ages, just visit Saudi Arabia and see how they treat women. It's abominable. Nothing illustrates it better than the case of the rape victim who's been sentenced to 200 lashes and six months in prison. A group of seven men raped her, one by one, and now the Saudi justice system is taking its turn.

The case, which has sparked media scrutiny of the Saudi legal system, centers on a married woman. The 19-year-old and an unrelated man were abducted, and she was raped by a group of seven men more than a year ago, according to Abdulrahman al-Lahim, the attorney who represented her in court.

The woman was originally sentenced in October 2006 to 90 lashes. But that sentence was more than doubled to 200 lashes and six months in prison by the Qatif General Court, because she spoke to the media about the case, a court source told Middle Eastern daily newspaper Arab News.

Al-Lahim told CNN his law license was revoked last week by a judge because he spoke to the Saudi-controlled media about the case. [Link]

She was sentenced to the original 90 lashes, it appears, because she met a man she wasn't related to, which is against Saudi law. In most countries, people wouldn't even think of lashing a dog or other animal, but in Saudi Arabia, it's business as usual. How bad is it over there? People who get lashed feel utterly lucky, saying to themselves, "At least they're not beheading me."

White House homeland security adviser Frances Townsend, who announced her resignation Monday, called the case "absolutely reprehensible" but told CNN's "American Morning" the Saudis deserve credit for their assistance in battling terrorism. "This case is separate and apart from that, and I just don't think there's any explaining it or justifying it," she added. [Link]

No, they don't deserve any credit for battling terrorism, not when they're committing atrocities against their own citizens. What they really deserve is an embargo. Better yet, appoint Rosie O'Donnell as the new ambassador to Saudi Arabia. That'll teach 'em.

Under law in Saudi Arabia, women are subject to numerous restrictions, including a strict dress code, a prohibition against driving and a requirement that they get a man's permission to travel or have surgery. Women are also not allowed to testify in court unless it is about a private matter that was not observed by a man, and they are not allowed to vote. [Link]

But on the bright side, women are allowed to decide for themselves how much salt to add to the Tabbouleh.

The Saudi government recently has taken some steps toward bettering the situation of women in the kingdom, including the establishment earlier this year of special courts to handle domestic abuse cases, adoption of a new labor law that addresses working women's rights and creation of a human rights commission. [Link]

Members of the human rights commission get only 70 lashes when they talk to the media.

Photo by Mujib.