Column: Don't sag, you might get fined

You may be surprised to learn that a handful of towns and cities in America have passed laws against sagging. But don’t worry, ladies, it’s nothing against you. Unless you wear your pants too low, that is.

That type of sagging has been popular among youngsters for years. It all started in the fall of 1992 when a teen-age boy in Los Angeles, rushing to get to school, forgot to pull his jeans all the way up. The boy happened to be a star on the high school football team, so everything he did was considered “cool.” Pretty soon, dozens of boys were walking around with their pants hanging halfway down their butts, looking like they escaped from the nearby psychiatric hospital. A few girls followed suit, excited that everyone would now know that they wore designer underwear.

What started in one school spread like a disease to many others, all over the world, prompting Ayatollah Khamenei of Iran to give a sermon on the “evil trouser styles of the West.” Signs in many mosques were updated to say: “Don’t swear. Don’t stare. Don’t show your underwear.”

Many adults in the western world were just as displeased about the trend, believing that it fell somewhere between “indecent" and “inane.” While youngsters thought they were making a fashion statement, the only statement adults could detect was: "Duh, my jeans have fallen, and I can't get them up."

The idea of wearing pants so low was particularly appalling to men in their sixties and seventies, many of whom had made it a habit to pull their pants up to their armpits.

Only a small proportion of adults seemed to approve of the fashion trend. Most were middle-aged men who didn’t pull their pants up either, because their bellies got in the way.

Many adults hoped the style would eventually lose its appeal. But it’s still popular to this day, causing some communities to take drastic action. According to the St. Louis Post-Dispatch, several towns in Louisiana, Georgia and Florida have outlawed low-slung pants, while big cities like Atlanta, Baltimore and Dallas are considering doing the same, evidently hoping to score points with the Ayatollah.

The city of Pine Lawn, Missouri, just passed a law against any sagging that exposes underwear or bare skin. Violators face a $100 fine. Even parents could be fined $500 or sentenced to 90 days in jail.

Priest: “Hello there. You must be my new cellmate. I’m here for pulling a boy’s pants down. What are you here for?”

Parent: “I’m here for not pulling a boy’s pants up.”

Pine Lawn’s officials hope the law improves the city’s image, which has been drooping even lower than teen-ager’s pants. "Fashion and being almost half-naked are two different things," Police Chief Rickey Collins told the Post-Dispatch. "We want violators to know that this is a great concern, that the public doesn't tolerate it."

But most youngsters like to be positive. They don’t see themselves as half-naked. They see themselves as half-dressed.

Any law against exposing part of your butt is bound to be challenged in court, not just by the American Civil Liberties Union, but also by the American Plumbers Union. As one plumber asked, “Do we really need another law against crack?”

Photo by Eleventh Earl, Illustration by Jenny Bowman