Nshima & Curry

Column: Missing out on Halloween

Since it's Halloween, I thought you might enjoy a column I wrote a decade ago.

 

  MISSING OUT ON HALLOWEEN

  Halloween has always been somewhat of a mystery to me.
 
  Perhaps that's because I grew up in Africa, where you'd have
  to be a little crazy to leave your pumpkins outside. Folks
  there never have trouble distinguishing between decorations
  and food. And leaving food on your porch is not a good idea.
  Especially during a famine. When people are starving, there
  is nothing more arrogant than decorating your house with
  food.
 
  Actually, the conditions were never that bad in Zambia, the
  country I grew up in. We never felt the need to go door to
  door, begging for candy.
 
  My mom would have been so embarrassed if I had asked a
  neighbor for food. Especially after giving the neighbor a
  threat. Trick or treat? A quick call to my mother and the
  trick would have been saving my butt from a whipping.
 
  If we were guests at someone's house and they offered me a
  second helping of dessert, the correct response was "No,
  thank you." Mom was always watching and I didn't want it to
  be my last dessert.

Drumming some sense into the KKK

I've often wished we could get all the racists together, the brown racists, the black racists and the white racists. A fight would inevitably break out and, with a little luck, we'd have fewer racists in the world. My wish may never come true, not in the way I imagine it, but I'm getting a little satisfaction from what's happening in Cullman, Alabama, where the KKK is in conflict with ... well, the KKK.

Members of one Ku Klux Klan organization say they will assemble at the courthouse Nov. 10 to show their opposition to another Klan group that plans an anti-immigration rally there that day.

Ken Mier, who described himself as an investigator for the Alabama Ku Klux Klan and the national office of the Ku Klux Klan LLC, said in an e-mail to The Cullman Times that his group is against the tactics of the National Knights of the Ku Klux Klan, which held an anti-immigration protest last month in Athens.

"We are opposed to the ignorance and stupidity as displayed by the individuals that thumbed their nose at the area churches by continuing to use racial slurs, threats and avoided Christian deportment," he said. [Link]

It's about time the KKK realized the ignorance and stupidity of the KKK. These losers ought to go to school and get an education, instead of trying to feel superior to other races. I'm hoping the KKK ends up drumming some sense into the KKK. Perhaps someday my dream will come true and Wal-Mart will see a big drop in sales of white bed sheets.

Having a ball with the church offering

If you go to church and put money in the offering plate, do you know where the cash goes? Of course you do. It goes toward the priest's salary and various church-related expenses, such as maintenance of the sanctuary, maintenance of church vehicles, and maintenance of the priest's girlfriend. (Some of them can be quite high-maintenance.) And let's not forget about overseas vacations and gambling trips for the priest. Nothing wrong with that, is there?

TWO Irish priests accused of misappropriating millions from a Florida church had formed a mortgage company with another priest called Shag Inc.

Fr John Skehan (80), originally from Johnstown, Kilkenny, and Fr Francis Guinan (64), originally from Birr, Co Offaly, are accused in relation to $8.6m missing from church coffers.

The two men are accused of using offertory dollars to keep girlfriends, take gambling excursions and foreign holidays, and buy property. [Link]

$8.6 million? Wow, you can keep a lot of girlfriends with that, depending on the size of the building you keep them in. If they question your virility, wonder if you're too old to perform, just tell them you're president of Shag Inc.

Palm Beach diocese spokeswoman Alexis Walkenstein said they are seeking to have all the funds reimbursed. When asked about Shag, she said it was "pretty unusual for priests to form for-profit corporations".

"However because diocesan priests do not take a vow of poverty, there is no rule to prevent diocesan priests from accumulating wealth as long as it is within legal and moral confines," she said. [Link]

We've told them it's okay to save money, but it's much better to save souls.

Skehan and Guinan were arrested last September on suspicion of stealing millions in offerings and gifts made to their parish as far back as 40 years ago. They are likely to be charged with stealing less than $1m when the case goes to trial next February but could face jail sentences of up to 30 years if they are found guilty.

However, they are likely to enter a plea bargain, which would see them serving around four years. [Link]

Only four years? Come on, that's not long enough for them to set up a successful prison ministry. I don't know about you, but I'm eager to see them get whatever the other inmates are offering.

Signs for a safer India

Yes, please drive around them.

Photo by Shira Golding

The British learned from insects too. That's how they ended up with so many colonies.

Photo by Matt Logelin

"This would be a hell of a sign in Australia, mate."

Photo by madhatrk

Forgery 101: Don't use Sellotape!

If you're going to make counterfeit money -- and I'm not suggesting that you do -- try to make it look like real money. Don't do what a New Zealand woman did.

A Palmerston North woman out shoe shopping has been caught flat-footed after allegedly trying to pass off a crudely forged $100 bill as genuine currency.

Staff at Number 1 Shoe Warehouse phoned police on Friday  when they realised the note handed  to them was fake. [Link]

It was such a bad forgery that a blind man holding a cup on the street corner refused to accept it.

Another three $100 prints - each  with one blank side - and a fake $50  bill were later allegedly found in the  woman's purse.

The woman, 30, was to appear in  court today charged with using a  forged document.

Mr Affleck said the notes - made of paper using a colour photocopier, adhesive and Sellotape - were an "extremely poor attempt" at counterfeit.

"Basically they've just stuck two pieces of paper together and got some Sellotape to make the transparent panels," he said. "It's a pretty crude method and you can tell it's fake as soon as you touch it." [Link]

Sellotape? Even I know better than to use Sellotape. If you want to do it right, you have to use Scotch Tape!

I wonder how the interrogation went.

Cop: "Where did you learn to make forged money like this?"

Woman: "FU."

Cop: "Hey, you'd better watch it! You're in big enough trouble already."

Woman: "FU -- that's where I learned it. Forgery University."

Cop: "Oh, I see. Did you graduate?"

Woman: "No, they kicked me out in my second year. Didn't like the money I used to pay the tuition."

Photo by Taniwhaiti

Why Sarkozy likes America

Appearing on the CBS news show "60 Minutes," Nicolas Sarkozy, the president of France, spoke of his admiration of America.

Sarkozy said he admired Americans' work ethic and the opportunities for advancement in the country, irrespective of class or background.

He said while his Hungarian father had worried that his surname would be an obstacle in France, "he was proven wrong."

"That's what he thought. That a name like Sarkozy was a handicap," the president said. "That's the reason why I like the United States. You can have a name like Schwarzenegger and be governor of California. You can be called Madeleine Albright and be secretary of state. You can be called Colin Powell or Condi Rice, and succeed." [Link]

I think he's overstating it. Schwarzenegger was a movie star and household name. Albright, Powell and Rice were appointed. Sure, Louisiana just elected Bobby Jindal as its governor, but his first name is as American as liposuction and his last name is pretty short and non-threatening. I hope I'm wrong, but I don't think America is ready for President Lakshmanathan Balasubramaniam. Or President Lupando Kwamanakweenda. Or President Ibrahim bin Abdullah Al Sadr.

But first, we'll have to see if America is ready for First Lady Bill Clinton. I mean, First Gent Bill Clinton.

I'VE GOT better things TO do than CRITICIZE THEM

The bracelets handed out to students in Iowa were supposed to carry an anti-drug message, but may have given some students the wrong idea.

A New York state company will stop production of Red Ribbon Week bracelets and discard its remaining inventory of the rubber wrist bands because of an unintended message printed on them.

The bracelets, handed out last week to students in the WACO school district in southeast Iowa, carried the anti-drug slogan "I've Got BETTER Things to DO than DRUGS."

The issue was the unintended message of the all-uppercase words: Better Do Drugs.

Mark Taxel, executive vice president of Hauppauge, N.Y.-based Positive Promotions, said no one noticed how the words looked on the bracelets before they were distributed. Only two complaints were received about the bracelets, he said.

Taxel said the company doesn't want to put out a message that could be misconstrued. He said a new bracelet would be produced in all capital letters. [Link]

Perhaps the company needs to produce several versions of the bracelets:

For the student dealer: "I'VE GOT better things to do than DRUGS."

For his rival dealer: "I'VE GOT BETTER things to do than DRUGS."

For the glue- and aerosol-sniffing student: "I'VE GOT BETTER THINGS to do THAN DRUGS."

For the lonely, depressed student: "I'VE GOT better things TO DO than DRUGS."

For the rich, shopaholic student: "I'VE GOT better THINGS to do than drugs."

For her best friend: "I'VE GOT BETTER THINGS to do than drugs."

For the busy, high-achieving student: "I'VE GOT better THINGS TO DO than drugs."

For the grammar-challenged, forever-dieting student: "I'VE GOT better THINgs to do than drugs."

For the school janitor: "I'VE GOT better things TO DO thAn dRUGs."

The laptop thief who satisfied 'em all on eBay

If you own a laptop, you'll want to read Scott Barancik's well-researched article in the St. Petersburg Times about Eric Almly, a career thief who stole 130 laptops in the last five years or so.

In March, a clean-cut stranger wearing khaki pants and a polo shirt strolled into the Tampa headquarters of Outback Steakhouse, mingled with company staff until they left for the day and walked out with 11 laptop computers crammed into his shoulder bag.

When a security guard stopped him in the parking lot, the gifted liar convinced him he was out for a jog. Later, at his $1,800-a-month apartment along Miami Beach, the burglar erased the laptops' hard drives and began selling them via services like eBay, where he had earned a 99.4 percent customer-satisfaction rating and tens of thousands of dollars in profit. [Link]

I cringed when I read the part about erasing hard drives. I'm a grown man, but if someone erased my hard drive, I would definitely cry. "My columns! My stories! My Kournikova pics!"

Though his plain features defy Hollywood's idea of a con artist - think Leonardo DiCaprio's rakish character in Catch Me If You Can - Almly has the right resume. A determined thief since his mid teens, he has made a near science of stealing and selling laptops over the past five years. He's even developed some acting skills, if you consider perpetrating a faceless office-worker a form of theater.

"This is a very intelligent young man," an Almly defense attorney said in 1993, moments after the 18-year-old had been sentenced to serve one year on a work farm. "If he can put his intelligence to positive uses, then the sky's the limit." [Link]

I'd like to see him put his intelligence toward making license plates. Or picking up trash on the highway.

Beat first, ask questions later

Misunderstandings are the staple of comedies, but they also happen in real life and not always to comedic effect, as this story from Mumbai shows.

So many men travel by the ladies’ compartments in local trains while the Government Railway Police (GRP) look the other way.

But when the GRP did decide to act, the man at the receiving end turned out to be the train’s guard who had come to investigate a chain-pulling incident.

The incident occurred on Sunday night at Vasai. The guard, Mohammad Yasin Sheikh, 40, was badly injured after being beaten up by five GRP personnel. He is being treated at Western Railway’s Jagjivan Ram Hospital at Mumbai Central. [Link]

The policemen obviously didn't follow the GRP's Official Rules of Conduct, specifically Rule 5 in Section 3: Always attempt to identify a lawbreaker before beating him up.

On Sunday, Sheikh was on duty on a Virar-bound local when he noticed a signal that the emergency chain had been pulled by someone in the ladies’ compartment. When the local reached Vasai at 10.39 pm, he got down to investigate.

Sheikh said, “We are supposed to go to the compartment in which the chain was pulled and verify the complaint of the passengers. But as I was getting into the ladies’ compartment, the GRP constable on escort duty objected. Before I could explain, he slapped me. I fell on the platform.”

The GRP man then called a few colleagues from other platforms to help him deal with Sheikh. According to the guard, the five men beat him up without giving him a chance to explain himself. “I tried to reveal my identity but the GRP men did not allow me to speak. They kicked me and hit me with the butt of their guns,” said Sheikh. [Link]

The policemen are in trouble, of course. Not only did they break Rule 5 in Section 3, they also violated Rule 7 in Section 6: Railway personnel must not be beaten up under any circumstances, except with prior approval of the commissioner.  

Photo by Marc van der Chijs

The escape artist who duped a cop

Richard McNair, a prison escapee who was one of the U.S. Marshals Service's 15 most wanted, was recaptured this week in New Brunswick, Canada, but you can bet your last egg roll he'll be out again.

During a 20-year career as a criminal Houdini, he escaped three U.S. prisons, outsmarted authorities on both sides of the border and became proficient at hopping moving trains, disappearing on the rails in a puff of train smoke. ...

When Mr. McNair was arrested for murder in 1987, county sheriffs left him alone, handcuffed to a chair. He greased himself out of the irons with lip balm and bolted. During his escape, he jumped off a roof, missed a tree limb and fell to the ground where he was recaptured. [Link]

Lip balm? Is that all it takes to get out of handcuffs? I had no idea. I'll have to keep that in mind, just in case my wife feels like doing something kinky.

No jail has been able to keep him -- he's broken out of a North Dakota county jail in 1988, crawled to freedom through a state penitentiary ventilation duct in 1992, and infamously escaped by mailing himself out of a Pollock, La., maximum-security prison hidden under a pallet of shrink-wrapped mailbags on April 5, 2006. [Link]

He mailed himself out of prison! Why put tattoos on yourself when you can put stamps?

Inmate: "Hey Bob, why do you have stamps all over yourself?"

McNair: "Isn't it obvious? I'm a first-class male."

The highly desired profession of rat killer

Ah, government jobs. People will do anything for them. A Mumbai man had been trying to get one for 19 years  -- he even slit his wrists to get attention -- and was finally rewarded recently.

Kishore Bhende, a Ghatkopar resident, received his confirmation letter last week as a permanent employee. Bhende had cleared the written and practical examinations for night rat killers six months back and was appointed as a Night Rat Killer (NRK) in BMC’s pest control department. [Link]

Written and practical examinations for night rat killers? I didn't realize you needed professional qualifications to catch rats. I thought you just needed to set traps, use poison or play a musical pipe.

I wonder what type of questions he had to answer. Where is the best place to look for rats?  (A) In the sewer. (B) Under cars. (C) Inside law offices. (D) On the branches of trees. (D) In the kitchen of fast-food restaurants. (E) At your nearest pet store.

According to pest control officer Deepak Adsul, Bhende got the job on merit. “Looking at his work, he can even be promoted,” Adsul said. [Link]

He does good work. When he brought the rats to us, they were all dead. We are thinking of promoting him to DRK (Distinguished Rat Killer). Of course, he will have to pass more examinations.

Lynette Sheffield column: Getting Fruity

Here's a funny column by humorist Lynette Sheffield:

Getting Fruity

While walking through the snack aisle at Costco (And no, it wasn’t like I was going to actually buy anything that would ruin my diet, I was simply looking. Truly.), I saw this product that was called “Fruit Leather.”

I understand that Fruit Leather is a fruit snack.  But I can’t believe that “Fruit Leather” was the name chosen by the company name-choosers. 

I mean, really? 

Fruit Leather was the best you could come up with? 

I can tell you with all sincerity that I have never, not once, looked down at my own shoes and thought, “I wish they were made out of fruit so I could eat them.”   

Maybe I should get out more. Maybe this is a personal expression that is quite common and I am so out of it, I cannot even consider this option. 

I don’t know. 

What I do know is that if something is presented to me to eat and part of the name of that food is leather; I will go hungry.

I’m not a radical vegan, protein disciple or a member of the Carb Police.  I’m just on a lifelong leather-free diet.

Draw the curtain, I gotta go

Ever been stuck in traffic with a full bladder and no restroom in sight? It's no fun, really, especially when there are too many cars around you, you can't go discreetly behind a tree -- and too many passengers in your car, you can't grab that empty bottle on the floor.

Thankfully, a Japanese company, Kaneko Sangyo Co., has given a lot of thought to the problem.

The manufacturer of plastic car accessories drew back the curtain on Tuesday on its new portable toilet for cars.

The toilet comes with a curtain large enough to conceal users and a plastic bag to collect waste.

"The commode will come in handy during major disasters such as earthquakes or when you are caught in a traffic jam," a company official told reporters, according to Kyodo News.

Japan is situated on the Pacific "Ring of Fire" and accounts for about 20 percent of the world's earthquakes of magnitude 6 or greater.

Drivers stranded by tectonic movements or stuck in tailbacks simply assemble the cardboard toilet bowl, fit a water-absorbent sheet inside and draw round the curtain. [Link]

I don't understand how it would help during earthquakes. I mean, if I have a full bladder and there's a major earthquake, I'm not going to wait to draw a curtain.

Health scare at Calgary McDonald's

If you live in Calgary, you might want to recall which fast-food restaurants you visited in the last month.

Thousands of Calgarians are at risk of contracting hepatitis A after a food-handler at a southeast McDonald's tested positive for the disease.

The Calgary Health Region yesterday confirmed the case of an employee who prepares meals at the fast-food restaurant located in the Foothills Industrial Park, 5326 72 Ave. S.E., across from the Calgary Soccer Centre.

Anyone who ate at this location from Oct. 1 to 23 may be infected, said Dr. Judy MacDonald, the health region's deputy medical officer of health. [Link]

In other words, MacDonald says if you ate at that McDonald's, you might be McScrewed.

Hepatitis A is not a chronic disease and victims usually recover within a month.

Infected people can spread the disease if they don't wash their hands properly after using the washroom, said MacDonald. [Link]

They can also spread the disease by flipping burgers at McDonald's.

Chris Stannell, spokesman for McDonald's in Western Canada, said the restaurant is working closely with the health region to resolve the issue.

"At McDonald's, we take the health and well-being of our customers and staff very seriously," he said. [Link]

Yes, that's why McDonald's works so hard to make sure your burgers and fries are as nutritious and healthful as can be.

According to WebMD, the symptoms of hepatitis A include: Extreme tiredness (fatigue), fever, sore muscles, headache, pain on the right side of the abdomen, nausea, loss of appetite and weight loss, yellowing of the skin and the white part of the eyes, and an obsessive desire to watch ice hockey.

Actually, I made up the last one. It's not a symptom of hepatitis A -- it's a symptom of being Canadian.

Photo by Naystin

Sewing their mouths shut

You know what's wrong with the world? The wrong people are sewing their lips together.

LA PAZ (Reuters) - Prostitutes in the Bolivian city of El Alto sewed their lips together on Wednesday as part of a hunger strike to demand that the mayor reopen brothels and bars ordered closed after violent protests by residents last week. [Link]

Here are just five people whose lips I'd like to sew together:

1. V.S. Naipaul. The Nobel laureate is a great writer (the greatest writer in the history of the world, if you ask him), but also attracts controversy as easily as mud attracts children. Invite him to speak at a conference and he'll do his best to offend everyone, to speak ill of other writers, to bash Islam and his motherland, to make sure that everyone knows he's the greatest living writer, even if half the audience wishes the middle part weren't true.

2. Rosie O'Donnell. Oprah Winfrey may have the highest rated talk show in the history of television, but O'Donnell still reigns as the Queen of Talk. And while I generally agree with her political views, I'd still like to sew her mouth shut and give some much-needed help to her brain, which has been struggling for years to keep up with her lips.

3. Terrell Owens. He's the star wide receiver for the Dallas Cowboys, a man with such a big mouth, he's been known to catch balls with it. He's a great football player, but he'd be even greater if he didn't suffer from foot-in-mouth disease.

4. Bill O'Reilly. I don't watch him anymore -- mercifully, my cable company has spared me the "fair and balanced" channel -- but the right-wing talk show host's words still echo in my head. I'd love to sew his lips together, but considering how vigorously he moves them, I'm not sure that would do the trick. I might need to use Super Glue. A whole tube of it, I'm sure.

5. George Bush. Did you really think I'd spare him? If I sewed his lips together, we wouldn't have to hear words such as "nucular" and "misunderestimate" -- or even "axis of evil" and "mission accomplished." But I have a feeling the Secret Service won't let me within 100 feet of him with my needle and thread, so I'm just going to have to enlist Laura. It's a wife's job, after all, to needle her husband.

Farmer harvests kindness and love

I love stories like this, stories about people helping others in need, without expecting anything in return. It's always good to have friends and neighbors you can rely on and Ron Edwards obviously has some great ones.

The 47-year-old Manitoba farmer had planted more than 300 hectares of wheat, oats and canola in the spring. Then he was diagnosed with cancer and underwent chemotherapy and open lung surgery. He was in no shape to harvest his crops.

Fortunately, more than 20 people — some he barely knew — pitched in to help get the crop off, saving him thousands of dollars in hired help.

"A combine is worth a lot of money. Some of them run $100, $150 an hour. I know some guys worked a day, two days, three days even, and they didn't charge anything at all for their machines," he said.

At one point, he said, he looked out his window and saw six combines working in his fields. [Link]

That's what you get when you combine kindness and selflessness. The farming community is like that -- they're always helping each other, perhaps because they're not caught up in the rat race, not trying so hard to get ahead that they have no time for their friends and neighbors. When was the last time you heard one of them say, "I'm just a farmer, but someday I'd like to be the CFO -- Chief Farming Officer." 

"That was something to see. It was hard not to get emotional when you think of all the people that came out to help," said Edwards, who took out two advertisements in local papers to thank everyone who helped.

"Words can't express how I feel about everybody that helped. It's so amazing. I don't know what to say." [Link]

We're often amazed when we hear of people helping other people, not so amazed when we hear of people robbing other people. Perhaps that's because the newspapers are full of crime stories. Try doing a good deed and see how many reporters come to your door. One or two perhaps -- if your aunt works at the local paper. But commit a terrible crime and the media will swarm to your door like you're dating Jennifer Aniston.

Photo by hedgerowmobile

Watching the birds and the guys

When it comes to gay pickup spots, I'm pretty ignorant. Until Sen. Larry Craig was arrested, I didn't realize airport bathrooms were a prime spot. And now I'm learning that birdwatching areas are also quite popular.

Birders and cruisers have found value in the same patches of land because not only do they attract scores of birds, but they also allow for partial privacy and chance encounters in a public setting.

In cruiser communities,  birding areas are known to be prime hook-up spots.

"It's bad, dude, real bad," said Munoz, 47, a Chicago police homicide detective who began birdwatching during a trip to Yellowstone National Park. "I've been confronted a couple times, and I've seen a few things happening. Like guys in the middle of some things." [Link]

Surely there are better places to hook up, places where you don't have to worry about birdwatchers dropping in on you -- or birds dropping on you.

At best, birders said, the cruisers are tasteless; at worst, birders said they feel uneasy amid occasional leers and advances.

Birders said the cruisers are generally easy to spot: men without birding gear, such as binoculars, sketch books or birding books, who wander the less populated trails with deliberate gaits and searching eyes.[Link]

Cop: "Look at that guy. He has no binoculars and he's looking around intently."

Second cop: "Yeah, he's either a gay man seeking sex or a poor birdwatcher."

Wrongfully convicted better off in Canada

If you're going to be wrongfully convicted, you're better off in Canada than in America. Not only is the Canadian justice system more lenient, when (if) you're finally released from prison, you'll virtually win the lottery. In America, on the other hand, you'll be compensated like you mop floors at Wal-Mart. Take the case of a North Carolina man.

Dwayne Allen Dail, 39, was cleared in August of the 1987 rape of a 12-year-old Goldsboro girl. The girl identified him as her attacker and hair found at the scene was similar to his. But DNA evidence found on a fragment of the girl's nightgown years after the trial proved Dail wasn't involved in the attack.

Gov. Mike Easley pardoned Dail two weeks ago, making him eligible to receive $360,000 from the state – $20,000 for each year he spent in prison. [Link]

In case you were sleeping in math class, that means he served 18 years in prison. It may seem like a full sentence for a rape conviction, but Dail still had two life sentences to serve. Yes, the jury had sentenced him to two life sentences, plus 18 years. (But at least he wasn't in Saudi Arabia. He got to keep his you-know-what.)

The poor man was wrongfully convicted, served 18 years, was compensated, and what do you think happened next?

Dail, who now lives in Florida, was served Tuesday with a lawsuit by Lorraine Michaels, the mother of his son, who is seeking back child support. The suit does not specify how much money she wants, as is normal in North Carolina, but asks a "reasonable sum for the care and maintenance of the minor child." Dail did not provide while he was in prison.

Dail said he was devastated by the suit. He said his son recently moved to Florida to live with him.

"I was thrown in prison. What could I do? I missed my whole life. I missed my son's whole life. I'm not the person to be compensating anyone for anything – not me," Dail said. [Link]

Not only is the state paying him a pittance, he's being sued for part of it. When everything is said and done, he'll be lucky if he can afford to get gas. Burritos can be expensive.

Doris Lessing hates to say it, but ...

Reporter: "Doris Lessing, you just won the Nobel Prize in Literature. What are you going to do next?"

Lessing: "I'm going to do my best impression of V.S. Naipaul, of course. We Nobel winners need to be a little cantankerous."

MADRID, Spain — Nobel laureate Doris Lessing said the Sept. 11 attacks in the United States were "not that terrible" when compared to attacks by the IRA in Britain.

"September 11 was terrible, but if one goes back over the history of the IRA, what happened to the Americans wasn't that terrible," the Nobel Literature Prize winner told the leading Spanish daily El Pais.[Link]

Let me get this straight, Doris: It was terrible, but it wasn't that terrible. On a scale of 1 to 10, you'd give it a 6 for terribleness -- on par with eating liver 'n onions.

"Some Americans will think I'm crazy. Many people died, two prominent buildings fell, but it was neither as terrible nor as extraordinary as they think. They're a very naive people, or they pretend to be," she said in an interview published Sunday. [Link]

Yeah, there's nothing extraordinary about planes being flown into buildings, Doris. Now Britney Spears appearing in public with all her clothes on -- that's extraordinary!

No mosques in our neighborhood please

A Muslim group wants to build a mosque in rural Maryland and local residents are giving them lots of assistance. I mean, resistance.

WALKERSVILLE, Md. -- A Muslim group's plan to build a mosque and convention site on a 224-acre farm has met with resistance from many residents of this rural, overwhelmingly Christian town who fear its tranquility and security may be jeopardized.

The Ahmadiyya Muslim Community USA insists it will be a friendly neighbor, but its proposal -- including an annual national gathering of thousands of Ahmadis -- could be blocked by a measure under consideration by the town commissioners.

''Muslims are a whole different culture from us,'' said the mayor, Ralph Whitmore, taking a break at his livestock feed store. ''The situation with the Muslims is a touchy worldwide situation, so people are antsy over that.'' [Link]

Oh no, they're a whole different culture. We'd rather be surrounded by people of the same culture, people who worship the same God, wear the same clothes and drive the same pickup trucks.

Muqtedar Khan, a political science professor at the University of Delaware, said the blunt opposition voiced by some Walkersville citizens is reminiscent of the persecution Ahmadis have endured in Pakistan. There, they are forbidden to practice their religion because they believe there was a prophet after Muhammad -- Hadrat Mirza Ghulam Ahmad, who died in 1908.

''It is quite ironic,'' Khan said, that the Ahmadis -- allowed to worship freely in the United States -- ''are suffering a backlash because of their association with Islam.''

But Syed Ahmad, a federal economist who is managing the Walkersville project for the group, said the persecution in Pakistan is far worse.

''Here, people are civilized and they get up and they talk and they oppose you,'' Ahmad said, ''but they're not going to kill you.'' [Link]

They're good people, here. Even when they attack our mosques, they do it nicely. They don't kill anyone.

Rugby World Cup unites South Africans

One thing I love about sports is the role it often plays in bringing people of different races and cultures together. Sure, there has been plenty of discrimination in sports historically, but the overall impact of sports has been positive. Just look at what's happening in South Africa, where everyone's celebrating the Springboks' 15-6 victory over England in the Rugby World Cup final on Sunday.

Smiles and congratulatory handshakes were the order of the day as office workers, shop assistants and street peddlers returned to their jobs after the Springboks triumphed in Paris.

Newspapers, ranging from the predominantly white-backed Citizen to the largely black-read Sowetan, heralded the unity engulfing the nation as it prepared to welcome the team home.

A huge crowd was expected to greet the players when they arrive at Johannesburg's O.R. Tambo International Airport this afternoon, kicking off several days of festivities, including a nationwide ticker tape parade. [Link]

White, black and brown -- they're all celebrating the victory. The blacks would rather win the soccer World Cup and the browns would rather win the cricket World Cup, but as the old African saying goes, "A World Cup in the hand beats two in the bush."

Although rugby is traditionally dominated by the country's white minority, particularly its Afrikaner community – descendants of the original Dutch and French settlers – the black majority has also been swept up in the fever.

Bars in Soweto, the sprawling black township south of Johannesburg, were packed with fans cheering the 'Boks' with the fervour of true believers. Eateries and bars in the giant Indian community in Durban also swayed with supporters. [Link]

White, black and brown -- united in showing their support, united in shouting, "Another beer please!"

A Nigerian with big ideas

Mubarak Muhammad Abdullahi, a 24-year-old Nigerian man, has big ideas -- and it doesn't involve transferring millions of dollars to your bank account. The physics student is building helicopters from old car and motorbike parts, taking recycling to new heights.

"It took me eight months to build this one," he said, sweat pouring from his forehead as he filled the radiator of the banana yellow four-seater which he now parks in the grounds of his university. [Link]

He parks it at the university? Wow!

Professor: "Mubarak, you're always here early. Don't you ever get stuck in traffic?"

Mubarak: "Oh, I come by air."

Professor: "Yeah, right. And I come by sea."

The chopper, which has flown briefly on six occasions, is made from scrap aluminium that Abdullahi bought with the money he makes from computer and mobile phone repairs, and a donation from his father, who teaches at Kano's Bayero university.

It is powered by a second-hand 133 horsepower Honda Civic car engine and kitted out with seats from an old Toyota saloon car. Its other parts come from the carcass of a Boeing 747 which crashed near Kano some years ago. [Link]

Mubarak: "Trust me, sir, I have a helicopter."

Professor: "Really? What kind of helicopter is it?"

Mubarak: "Uh ... it's a Honyota 747."

For a four-seater it is a big aircraft, measuring twelve metres (39 feet) long, seven metres high by five wide. It has never attained an altitude of more than seven feet. [Link]

Professor: "How high does it go? Can it take you as high as the Shebshi Mountains?"

Mubarak: "No, not yet. I'm still trying to get it to go as high as Yao Ming."

Hurrah for Jindal -- I mean, Boo!

Bobby Jindal has just been elected governor of Louisiana, trouncing the opposition like Marion Jones on steroids. When he takes office in January, he will become the first Indian-American to lead a state. So Indian-Americans should be excited, right? Well, the vast majority of them are liberals, whereas Jindal is as conservative as they come. That's why, all over the country, Indian-Americans were unsure how to react to Jindal's victory. Let's look at what happened in one household.

Manoj (jumping in living room): "Manju! Manju! Where's the champagne? Jindal has won! Oh my God! I don't believe it. A desi governor! I never thought I'd see the day. Look at him! He has brown skin like mine. And he's skinny like me. Oh happy day!"

Manju (replying from kitchen): "Jindal won? Oh well. Good night! I'm going to bed."

Manoj: "Going to bed? What about the champagne? Aren't we going to celebrate?"

Manju: "I didn't buy the champagne. You told me not to, remember? You said Jindal is a Republican, that he's George Bush with a tan. You called him U2, because he's always selling out."

Manoj: "But he's Indian-American! Look at him! He has done something great, opened the doors for all of us. Our son might run for governor, thanks to him."

Manju: "Our son might run from governor, thanks to him. He voted in favor of making the Patriot Act permanent."

Manoj: "But he's Indian-American! Look at him!"

Manju: "He voted to cut $70 billion in taxes for the wealthiest Americans."

Manoj: "But he's Indian-American! Look at him!"

Manju: "He voted for Jordin Sparks, not Sanjaya."

Manoj: "Bastard! Turn the TV off. Let's go to bed."

Philadelphia, a homely, thongless city

Are people in some cities more attractive than people in others? You wouldn't think so, but that didn't stop Travel and Leisure magazine from trying to rank them.

Of the 25 major American cities ranked by citizen attractiveness, Philadelphia finished dead-last.

According to 60,000 respondents to the magazine's online survey, Philadelphians are slightly more repulsive than Washingtonians (24), Dallasites (23) and San Antonions (22) but way uglier than Miamians (1), San Diegoans (2) and Charlestonians (3). [Link]

Way uglier? Apparently, everyone in Miami resembles Halle Berry, while everyone in Philadelphia resembles a blackberry. (No, not the electronic kind.)

"This is the city of Fabian and Frankie Avalon and Grace Kelly," said City Councilman Frank DiCicco. "Are they saying we've morphed into ugly people over the last few decades? Somebody's drinking something out there."

DiCicco took issue with Travel and Leisure ranking Miami's beautiful people No. 1.

"My oldest son, the dentist, had a condo in Miami so I've been to South Beach a few times," he said.

"Most people are walking around in thongs so everybody looks good there. [Link]

Most people are walking around in thongs? I don't know if I'd like that. Some people just shouldn't put their thang in a thong.

Perhaps Philadelphia should have a "Thong Day" and ask all residents to slip into one. Then we'd know for sure how they compare to Miamians. Just don't get your hopes up, Philadelphians. It's quite possible that your best-looking resident in a thong is Andy Reid.

Photo credit: Anthony Grimley

It's mothers against mothers

I didn't know this, but there's an organization called Mothers Against Illegal Aliens (MAIA). And they've apparently received a letter from the more famous Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) telling them to drop the "Mothers Against" part of their name or face legal action.

Blogger Stephen Lemons calls it the "Mother" of all catfights and points out that there are a number of other "Mothers Against" groups that have apparently not received cease-and-desist letters from MADD.

Have you ever Googled "Mothers Against"? There's a Mothers Against Methamphetamine, a Mothers Against Sexual Abuse, Mothers Against Circumcision (no sharp kitchen implements allowed), Mothers Against Guns, Mothers Against School Hazing (for all you wimps out there), Mothers Against Munchausen's Syndrome by Proxy, Mothers Against Gang Wars, Mothers Against Violence, Mothers Against Teen Violence, Mothers Against the Draft, Mothers Against Arpaio (our fave, BTW), Mothers Against Blogging, Mothers Against Dog Chaining, Mothers Against Senseless Killings, Mothers Against Brain Injury (is anyone out there for brain injury?), Mothers Against Genetic Engineering, Mothers Against Pornography Addiction (keep 'em away from me!), and on and on. There's even a Mothers Against Peeing Standing Up, made up of "moms... and other concerned individuals who want to stop peeing standing up, support the victims (those who have to clean up), and prevent unnecessary urine stream fragmentation." [Link]

With so many "Mothers Against" groups, you have to wonder: What are all the fathers against? Here are just a few groups I'd like to form: Fathers Against Shopping,  Fathers Against Heavy Luggage, Fathers Against Football Interruptions, Fathers Against Cuddling for Cuddling's Sake, and, of course, Fathers Against 'Mothers Against Illegal Aliens.'

Photo credit: Daniel Greene

The mystery of the missing cats

One of my friends recently complained to me about her neighbor's cat. It jumps over the fence and uses her 4-year-old son's sandbox as a toilet. My friend spoke to her neighbor and he appears to be a very understanding man. He has invited my friend's son to play in the cat's litter box.  Actually, he has offered to replace the sand and try to control his cat -- if it's actually possible to control a cat. People tend to keep dogs on leashes or behind fences, but cats, they go wherever they please, and I do mean 'go.'

A British homeowner grew so tired of his neighbors' cats 'going' in his yard that he apparently catnapped six of them and let them loose 25 miles away, much to the distress of their owners.

Each family received an anonymous letter from the 'person responsible for the disappearance of your cats'.

The printed note, littered with grammatical errors, explained that the cats had been caught and driven at least 25 miles away and let loose.

This malicious act was a form of revenge for the animals apparently vandalising the catnapper's garden - on the very same street.

The pets had pounced on birds, leaving feathers scattered all over the lawn, and destroyed plants and shrubs by using flowerbeds to relieve themselves. [Link]

It's a good thing it was the neighbors' cats doing the damage and not their children. This person seems pretty mean, but at least he -- or is it 'she'? -- didn't ship the cats to China.

Bush honors the Dalai Lama

President Bush is an easy target, what with all his goof-ups and inarticulateness, but every now and then he gets something right and deserves some praise. Such was the case when he presented the Congressional Gold Medal, America's highest civilian honor, to the Dalai Lama, causing much hand-wringing in China.

The event marked the first time a U.S. president has appeared in public with the 14th Dalai Lama of Tibet, who from his first White House visit two decades ago has agreed to private presidential meetings, in deference to China.

"An era that has seen an unprecedented number of nations embrace individual freedom has also witnessed the stubborn endurance of religious repression. Americans cannot look to the plight of the religiously oppressed and close our eyes or turn away," Bush said before a shoulder-to-shoulder sea of dark-clad politicians punctuated by the bright saffron and maroon robes of Tibetan Buddhist monks. Seated behind him on the dais, the Dalai Lama smiled, nodding. [Link]

It's nice to see Bush standing up for the Buddhists, even if it's sort of like Microsoft standing up for Netscape.

The situation is particularly personal for Chinese President Hu Jintao, an avowed friend of the United States who earlier in his career was involved in the Tibet crackdown. Bush told Hu, who will be acclaimed for a second five-year term at the Communist Party congress, of his plan to attend the medal ceremony last month, while the two leaders attended an Asian economic summit in Australia.

"They didn't like it, of course, but I don't think it's going to damage -- severely damage -- relations. . . . I don't think it ever damages relations when the American president talks about religious tolerance and religious freedom," Bush told reporters before yesterday's ceremony.

Asked if he understood the Chinese president's views on Tibet, Bush gave a diplomatic answer: "All I know is this: Hu cares. Hu gives a damn."

Photo credit: Ferne Millen

It's not greed -- it's the voice of God

Richard Roberts, the president of Oral Roberts University, whose father founded the Christian institution in Tulsa, Oklahoma, has temporarily stepped down in the wake of a major scandal.

An Oct. 2 lawsuit filed by three former ORU professors says they were wrongfully dismissed and accuses Roberts of misspending at donors' expense, including numerous home remodels and a senior trip to the Bahamas for one daughter on the ministry's dime. [Link]

You have to give him a break. He has read the Ten Commandments and not one of them says: "Thou shalt not use other people's money to send your daughter to the Bahamas."

The more detailed account alleges Richard Roberts' wife, Lindsay, spent the night in the ORU guest house with an underage male "on nine separate occasions," and was photographed 29 times with an underage male in her sports car, among other allegations. [Link]

Oh, come on. She was just giving him a ride to class, as any kindhearted woman would. The nights in the guest house were also signs of her kindness: she was helping him with some cramming.

The elder Roberts founded the school, known for its 60-foot-tall bronze sculpture of praying hands, in 1963. He famously told viewers in 1987 that God told him to raise $8 million for the university or he would be "called home."

The week the lawsuit was filed, Richard Roberts said at a chapel service that God told him to deny the allegations. He said God told him: "We live in a litigious society. Anyone can get mad and file a lawsuit against another person whether they have a legitimate case or not. This lawsuit ... is about intimidation, blackmail and extortion." [Link]

If God speaks to them, who are we to judge? God knows best, after all. If he tells you to build a luxurious home with other people's money, would you say, "No, God, I can't do it." No, you would say: "Thank you so much, God. Do you mind if I also send my daughter to the Bahamas?"

Column: No family reunion for Obama and Cheney

Nothing has stunned me more this year than the news that presidential candidate Barack Obama and Vice President Dick Cheney are related. It’s almost like hearing that Paris Hilton has decided to become a missionary. Or that she knows how to spell “missionary.”

Obama is a Democrat, a die-hard liberal, while Cheney is a Republican, conservative to the core. But they do have some things in common. For example: two eyes, a nose and a mouth. The same number of limbs, too.

When it comes to buttering their bread, they’re both conservative. When it comes to buttering their staff, they’re both liberal.

Cheney has been known to hunt ducks. Obama has been known to duck hunts. Cheney has a reputation for stuffing his mouth. Obama has a reputation for mouthing stuff.

But even with such similarities, no one ever suspected that the two leaders were related. It was Cheney’s wife, Lynn, who discovered that they have a common ancestor while researching her memoir. She broke the news to her husband gently, moments after he revived her.

Dick: “Lynn, what’s wrong? Why did you faint?”

Lynn: “I just found out something about your past.”

Dick (turning pale): “What is it, honey? Is it something I can have expunged?”

Lynn: “No, Dick, this can’t be erased. You have a common ancestor with someone you don’t particularly like.”

Dick (turning even paler): “Who is it, honey? Clinton? Kennedy? Bin Laden?”

Lynn: “No, Barack Obama.”

Dick: “Phew! What a relief. It’s only Broke Bama.”

Lynn: “It’s Barack Obama, Dick. He’s your relative now, so you’d better learn how to pronounce his name.”

Dying to see more dying

Many have benefited from the war in Iraq, including the defense contractors, the rebuilding companies and the prostheses makers, but you rarely hear about one group of people: the cemetery workers.

NAJAF, Iraq — At what's believed to be the world's largest cemetery, where Shiite Muslims aspire to be buried and millions already have been, business isn't good.

A drop in violence around Iraq has cut burials in the huge Wadi al Salam cemetery here by at least one-third in the past six months, and that's cut the pay of thousands of workers who make their living digging graves, washing corpses or selling burial shrouds.

Few people have a better sense of the death rate in Iraq .

"I always think of the increasing and decreasing of the dead," said Sameer Shaaban, 23, one of more than 100 workers who specialize in ceremonially washing the corpses. "People want more and more money, and I am one of them, but most of the workers in this field don't talk frankly, because they wish for more coffins, to earn more and more." [Link]

Just as you and I might check a stock market index in the Wall Street Journal, Sameer keeps his eye on the death market index (DMI) in Cemetery News. The DMI fluctuates greatly in Iraq: one day it's up by 300 bodies, the next day it's down by 50. And the death analysts are worse than weather forecasters. Expect an explosion on Tuesday, they say, but Tuesday comes and there's no explosion, not even in the fireworks factory.

The bay of pigs down under

Australia is having trouble with wild pigs -- and I'm not talking about college students who've had too much to drink.

Experts in the northern state of Queensland say that the pig population is out of control.

The pigs are causing untold damage to crops as well as threatening native wildlife, they say.

It is estimated there are 23m wild pigs in Australia. That means there are now more pigs than people. [Link]

More pigs than people? The pigs need to get together and demand majority rule. Perhaps they can form a coalition government with all those kangaroos. Their first order of business: banning hunting.

Pig hunting has been popular with rural Australians for decades. The sport even has its own magazines. Bacon Busters has a regular 'Babes and Boars' page, featuring photographs of bikini-clad young women sitting astride dead pigs.

But amateur hunters are struggling to control pig numbers and the battle against the boar is increasingly turning professional.

Two years ago ex-soldier Paul Smith set up Boar Busters, a professional pig trapping business run with military discipline.

Since then he and his trappers have caught and shot 1,200 pigs in the rainforests and farmland surrounding the coastal town of Mission Beach. [Link]

That's 1,200 down, 22,998,800 to go. Smith once fought in Iraq and was apparently inspired to get a new career when he heard a fellow soldier shout, "Kill those insurgent pigs!"

Remembering a daughter, educating a village

Their daughter, Elizabeth, died in a bicycle accident in 2002 while serving as a Peace Corps volunteer in Zambia. Linda and Gerry Bowers are keeping her memory alive by doing something that would make her very proud: educating underprivileged Zambian girls. The Oregon couple, who are receiving a commendation from the Peace Corps, created a memorial fund for Elizabeth that evolved into the Elizabeth Bowers Zambia Education Fund.

So far, 85 women in grades eight through 12, who call themselves Beth's girls, have received Zambia Education Fund scholarships, which pay for everything from school and exam fees to tutoring. When the fund started, only four girls from the village were going to school.

Then and now, the only school in the village is Lumwana West Basic School, which goes up to grade nine. Students who want to go to high school -- grades 10 through 12 -- must travel to the next town over, Mwinilunga. Scholarships help pay their boarding costs.

Since 2004, about 25 women have continued on to high school with the help of the Education Fund. Three have graduated, including Prudence Masanyinga, who has gone on to study sociology at a government institute. [Link]

Getting an education is a prudent thing to do, as Prudence would say.

"The most rewarding part of this project is how the education of the girls in this village will eventually expand to improve families and society in Zambia," said Karen Chittick, secretary of the nonprofit's board of directors. "You're not just giving a girl an education. They will return to the village as role models for other girls." [Link]

They'll be models for the boys, too -- not the kind with great figures, but the kind who can figure things out.

Gandhi and the Nobel Prize

As you know, Al Gore has been awarded the 2007 Nobel Peace Prize. The Nobel committee cited Gore for "his continued efforts to remain at peace with the fact that the American presidency was once stolen from him."

Actually, Gore was cited for his efforts to increase awareness about global warming (he shared the award with the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change). In recent years, the Nobel committee seems to have had trouble finding people who have done enough to promote peace, hence such recipients as Muhammad Yunus and Grameen Bank (2006) and Wangari Maathai (2004). Perhaps they need to rename it the Nobel Peace And Other Stuff Prize.

Speaking of the Nobel Peace Prize, Sree Sreenivasan of SAJAForum notes that Mahatma Gandhi never won the Nobel, calling it the "biggest omission in Nobel history." The Nobel site has an article titled "Mahatma Gandhi, the Missing Laureate" that tries to explain the omission.

Gandhi was nominated in 1937, 1938, 1939, 1947 and, finally, a few days before he was murdered in January 1948. The omission has been publicly regretted by later members of the Nobel Committee; when the Dalai Lama was awarded the Peace Prize in 1989, the chairman of the committee said that this was "in part a tribute to the memory of Mahatma Gandhi". ...

During the last months of his life, Gandhi worked hard to end the violence between Hindus and Muslims which followed the partition of India. We know little about the Norwegian Nobel Committee's discussions on Gandhi's candidature in 1948 ... but it seems clear that they seriously considered a posthumous award. When the committee, for formal reasons, ended up not making such an award, they decided to reserve the prize, and then, one year later, not to spend the prize money for 1948 at all. What many thought should have been Mahatma Gandhi's place on the list of Laureates was silently but respectfully left open. [Link]

They seriously considered a posthumous award, but in the end, they decided that it didn't make sense to do that, given the fact that not one of them had a backbone.

Pulling your teeth with a pair of pliers

True or false: People in developed countries sometimes have to pull their own teeth using a pair of pliers or a string tied to a door.

Answer: True. According to Sky News, a drop in the number of National Health Service dentists in the UK has caused a rise in do-it-yourself dentistry.

Almost a fifth (19%) of those questioned said they had missed out on dental work because of the cost.

The research found 6% had even resorted to treating themselves because they could not find a dentist.

The 5,000-plus patients who were interviewed also spoke of taking out their own teeth or fixing broken crowns with glue.

One person in Lancashire said he had carried out 14 separate extractions with a pair of pliers. [Link]

Fourteen extractions! I wonder if they were all intentional.

Lancashire man (in bathroom): "Bloody pliers!"

Wife: "What's going on in there?"

Man: "Bloody pliers!"

Wife: "Stop using such language!"

Man: "All right then. My pliers are bloody!"   

The British government needs to do something about this. They need to offer citizenship to that street dentist in India. At least he has lots of experience using pliers.

Dealing with cannibals in Africa

The Daily Telegraph has an obituary of David Muffett, who spent 16 years in Nigeria during the colonial era, that doesn't put Africa in the best light.

David Muffett, who has died aged 88, applied the skills he had honed when dealing with cannibals in colonial Africa to battling education ministers and teaching unions in his role as chairman of Hereford and Worcester County Council education committee. [Link]

Cannibals? You don't say? Pray, tell me more.

In 1960 he apprehended the Tigwe of Vwuip, a northern Nigerian tribal chief who had eaten the local tax collector. The Tigwe had apparently been so impressed by the man's ability to acquire money on demand that he had — understandably — decided to try to assimilate his powers.

It was not so much this particular misdemeanour that bothered Muffett; what really worried him was the fact that a UN delegation was due to visit the area, and "I wasn't about to have one of them eaten. I considered that it would be a highly retrogressive step."[Link]

Yes, indeed. It's never a good idea to have a visiting UN official eaten.

Getting your teeth fixed on the street

During my handful of visits to India, I never once spotted a street dentist. So I was fascinated when I came across Matt Logelin's photos of a dentist at work on a Bangalore street, including the pic on the right.

this guy yelled at me from across the street...i thought he just wanted me to take his photo (like everyone else at the market that day) so i snapped his photo and ran across the street to show him the result. when i got over there, i saw a brief case with what appeared to be fake fingernails...turns out they were fake teeth and it turns out that he is a dentist (hours are 8:00 am to 6:00 pm everday, same street, same median). he insisted that i wait 20 minutes, observe, and take photos of him while he gave his patient a new tooth, so of course i did. ... when all was said and done, the patient walked away with a brand new tooth and it cost him only 50 rupees (that's $1.13 US) and i had one of the strangest experiences of my life. [Link]

Wow, you get a new tooth for 50 rupees. In America, you can't even get a new toothbrush. But I'm not sure I'd want to see a street dentist (though they do provide a good service for the poor). As Stacey Stowe of the New York Times wrote a couple of years ago, street dentists aren't too hygienic.

Between patients, Mr. Singh douses his weathered hands with a purple liquid, although he is less than consistent about using the antiseptic.

When approached by a former patient, who immediately popped out his dentures to register a complaint about an irritation, Mr. Singh plunged his fingers into the man's mouth seconds after they were in the mouth of another patient.

The occasional fly alighted on his hands, the instruments and patients. [Link]

Well, for 50 rupees, you can't expect much. At least Mr. Singh disinfects his hands now and then -- and  makes sure there are no flies on his hand when he puts it in your mouth.

The dentist who went too far

The women went to their dentist to have their teeth cleaned, but instead got a breast exam. Well, sort of.

WOODLAND, Calif. -- A Woodland dentist appeared before an administrative law judge Thursday in an effort to lift the interim suspension order on his dental license.

The judge could issue a decision on the license suspension Friday or Monday, KCRA 3 reported.Twenty-six women have come forward to say Dr. Mark Anderson touched them inappropriately during office visits.

His attorney argued that Anderson should continue practicing dentistry to support his family, which includes four small children, and to be able to financially mount his own defense. ...

Jeff Phillips, the attorney general's lawyer representing the dental board, argued that Anderson's behavior has escalated, and he has used his authority to gain access to female patients in order to fondle their breasts. [Link]

I wonder what excuse he's giving the judge:

1. I didn't mean to touch them. They just got in the way.

2. I was just getting my hands warmed up to use the drill.

3. I thought she asked me to look at her teat.

BlackBerry Syndrome, the new health concern

I don't own a BlackBerry, but if I did, I'd be concerned about getting BlackBerry Syndrome.

Many mobile phone addicts and BlackBerry junkies report feeling vibrations when there are none, or feeling as if they're wearing a cell phone when they're not.

The first time it happened to Jonathan Zaback, a manager at the public relations company Burson-Marsteller, he was out with friends and showing off his new BlackBerry Curve.

"While they were looking at it, I felt this vibration on my side. I reached down to grab it and realized there was no BlackBerry there." [Link]

Ah, the first stages of BlackBerry Syndrome. It's going to get progressively worse. The phantom vibrations will become more frequent, more jolting, until Zaback and other BlackBerry junkies have no choice but to seek treatment at the BARC (BlackBerry Addiction Recovery Center).

Patient: "Hello! Is anyone there? I feel vibrations! Every second of every minute, there are vibrations!"

Nurse: "Doctor, come quick! We have a serious case of BlackBerry overdose."

Doctor (running): "Have you given him the antidote?"

Nurse: "Yes, but he's not responding."

Patient: "Hello! Is anyone there? I feel vibrations! Every second of every minute, there are vibrations!"

Nurse: "He keeps saying the same thing, over and over."

Doctor: "Looks like delirium has set in. He's in the final stages. You'd better tell his family."

Nurse: "I just spoke to his wife. She went home to get his BlackBerry. She says he might want to hold it one last time."

Too drunk to know what hit her

Sometimes when you've had too much to drink, you've also had too much too think.

It’s a bad idea to become heavily intoxicated and try to beat an oncoming train across the tracks.

A man and a woman did just that in Delray Beach Tuesday night, police said. Both were hit by a train along the Florida East Coast Railway tracks on Southeast Fourth Street.

But a broken leg didn’t stop the woman from trying to score one last beer, according to a police report.

“What happened?” she asked the paramedics as they placed her on a backboard.

“You were hit by a train,” a paramedic said.

“Oh,” said the woman. “Can I get a beer?” [Link]

That reminds me of the time I witnessed a pedestrian being struck by a car in Ocean City, Maryland. The man's head hit the windshield, leaving a big dent, and he was thrown several yards away. He lay in the middle of the road for a minute or two, then was helped to the side by a couple of people. As he awaited the ambulance that had been summoned, he pulled a cigarette out of his pocket and smoked it. What was he thinking? I'd better smoke now. They probably won't let me light up in the hospital.

Doris Lessing wins the the Nobel Prize. Big deal!

It must be nice to win the most prestigious literary award in the world and not really care about it.

LONDON - Doris Lessing pulled up in a black cab where a media horde was waiting Thursday in front of her leafy north London home. Reporters opened the door and told her she had won the Nobel Prize for literature, to which she responded: "Oh Christ! ... I couldn't care less."

Lessing later said she thought the cameras were there to film a television program. Vegetables peeked out from blue plastic bags she carried out of the cab.

"This has been going on for 30 years," she said, as reporters helped her with the bags.

"I've won all the prizes in Europe, every bloody one, so I'm delighted to win them all, the whole lot, OK?" Lessing said, making her way through the crowd. "It's a royal flush."

"I'm sure you'd like some uplifting remarks," she added with a smile. [Link]

Yes, Doris, here's what we'd like you to say: "Oh Christ! ... I just can't believe it. Never in my 88 years on this earth did I ever think I'd win the Nobel Prize. There are so many other great writers out there. I'm so excited, I'm going to celebrate by putting some sugar in my tea. Who knows, I may even stay up tonight until 8."

Matrimonial ads are for married people too

Even if you're married, you ought to read matrimonial ads. Not only are they entertaining, they may also make you feel good about the person you married. Here are some actual excerpts from Indian matrimonial ads on the Internet:

His body is single too: “I live with my parents in parents owned house. My family status is upper middle class. … My face colour is light dark. I have muscular/single body.”

Don’t tell your husband: “I believe in simple living and high thinking. I am looking for a girl married unmarried no matters but should be simple and co-operative. If any body interested contact me.”

She’ll be your Shakespeare: “The world isn't really that big after all. Why then oh why are thee hiding from me? Are you not in ardent search of me as I am of you? Don't you think it's high time we lit up each other's lives with love? – after all, you – gazing at your P.C. this very moment underneath this same big starry blue sky & I – have been Heavenly made for each other.”

Don’t worry, she’s no career woman: “We parents are placing this profile for our daughter. … She has excelled in her academic and professional career as an engineer, yet she is not career oriented. She likes to focus on helping others towards better health and spiritual growth through yoga teachings.”

He’ll look after you well: “Very good in looking. Very enthusiastic. Music lover. Helping tendency. Good earning. ... I am looking for a fair homely educated girl. Employment – no bar. Should be a Hindu religion girl with ample belief in God.”

An English Expert: “I'm medium in built, fair and good looking. I'm very kind, helpfull, tolarative, understandable and foreseeking. I've passed my A/L in Science. … I've an excellent English knowledge.”

Dear Abby, why do you support gay marriage?

DEAR ABBY: I hate you. How dare you support gay marriage? How dare you ruin the sanctity of marriage? -- TWICE-DIVORCED REPUBLICAN

DEAR TWICE-DIVORCED REPUBLICAN:

I believe if two people want to commit to each other, God bless 'em. That is the highest form of commitment, for heaven's sake. ... Women were once considered chattel, and slavery was regarded as sanctioned in the Bible. However, western society grew to recognize that neither was just. Canada, Belgium, the Netherlands and Spain have recognized gay marriage, and one day, perhaps, our country will, too." [Link]

DEAR ABBY: I still hate you. Why don't you move to Canada? -- TWICE-DIVORCED REPUBLICAN

DEAR TWICE-DIVORCED REPUBLICAN: I'm willing to move to Canada -- as soon as you move to Iran. We'll both be happier.

Don't look down on this proposal

There are many ways to propose to a woman, some more creative than others. I hid the engagement ring in a shell that Malathi found at the beach. Yeah, I know: Not very original. Joel Doerksen of Manitoba, Canada, did much better. He spent several hours using a cultivator to carve the words "Christine, will you marry me?" into a field on his family farm, making each letter 210 feet long. Then he took his girlfriend, Christine Ginter, for a plane ride over the field. How did she respond? She took him to a field on her family farm where she had carved the words "Not if you're the last man alive."

Actually, she said, "Yes!" And so did about 100 other Christines who happened to fly past the field that day. Every man in Manitoba who had a girlfriend named Christine grabbed the opportunity to be considered romantic. At least that's what I'm guessing. Wouldn't it be a pity, after all, if Joel's hard work and creativity were enjoyed by just one woman?

Report: Indians prepare for Jindal victory

Residents of Malerkotla, Punjab, are buying fireworks and preparing sweets, getting ready to celebrate Rep. Bobby Jindal’s likely victory in the Louisiana gubernatorial primary on Oct. 20.

“We will dance and party all night long,” said Kumar Jindal, first cousin of the Indian-American Congressman, whose parents hail from Malerkotla. “We have not been this excited since we got cable TV.”

The sole Republican candidate in Louisiana’s unique all-candidate primary, Jindal needs more than 50 percent to win the governorship and become the first Indian-American to head a state. He has such a large lead in the polls that analysts believe he will win the election even if President Bush comes to Louisiana to campaign for him.

“Louisiana doesn’t need any more disasters,” said one Democratic analyst, “but I have a feeling this is going to be a landslide.”

Added another analyst: “Thirteen people are challenging him in the election, but their chances of beating him are equal to Lou Dobbs’ chances of being appointed the ambassador to Mexico."

Column: The world records that make me proud

Please excuse me while I show a little national pride. It’s not every day that I get to revel in the accomplishments of my countrymen. After all, India has won just three medals in the last six Olympic Games, two bronze and one silver, despite the Indian Olympic Association’s best efforts to find good athletes and lure them to India.

So you can imagine my excitement when Mahdi Habib, a loyal reader from Saudi Arabia, sent me an article about all the Indians who’ve managed to get into the Guinness World Records book. According to the Associated Press article, India holds 219 Guinness records –- and some of them are quite impressive. Radhakant Bajpai, for example, set a record by growing his ear hair 5.19 inches long. When I read about that, I pumped my fist in the air and shouted, “Go India!”

As far as I know, no American or Russian has ever come close to that feat, perhaps because they have other priorities, such as attracting the opposite sex. But I choose to believe that many of them are trying their best to grow their ear hair, applying Rogaine to their lobes morning and night, dreaming of beating the great Radhakant Bajpai and becoming “Ear Hair King of the World.”

Bajpai is quite proud of his hair. If you ask him about it, he’ll give you an earful. "Making it to Guinness World Records is indeed a special occasion for me and my family," he said, according to GuinnessWorldRecords.com. "God has been very kind to me." Unfortunately, God has not been so kind to his two sons, Satyam and Anchal, leaving their disappointed father with no hair apparent.

GPS: Global Parenting Surveillance

When I'm heading down the highway, I get a little nervous every time I pass a cop, wondering if he's going to stop me for DWB (driving while brown). It has happened a couple of times, once in Ohio and the other time in Georgia. Both cops asked me to get out of my car and one made me sit in his car while he checked if there were any arrest warrants on me. (There weren't! Thank goodness I had paid all my library fines.) Neither cop ended up giving me a ticket, but I wouldn't put it past an officer to claim I was speeding. So perhaps I need to get a global positioning system (GPS), just in case I need to beat a speeding ticket, as a teen-ager in Sonoma County, California, is trying to do. Shaun Malone's parents installed the GPS in his car to keep track of him and his speed.

The case represents the first time anyone has contested a speeding ticket in Sonoma County courts using a global positioning system, which pinpoints speed and location using lightning-fast calculations and satellites. ...

All GPS systems installed in vehicles calculate speed and location, but the tracking device in Malone's 2000 Toyota Celica GTS downloads the information to his parent's computer.[Link]

Wow! In the future, all parents will sit in front of their computers at night, monitoring  their children's activities.

Mother: "Call the police, dear. Someone must have stolen Johnny's car."

Father: "How do you know?"

Mother: "Well, he told me he's meeting with the church youth group, but his car is parked in front of the strip club."

Father: "Don't jump to conclusions, dear. Perhaps they're spreading the word over there. That's what they did last week at the tavern."

Mother: "Such a good boy, our Johnny. I don't know why we're checking on him."

A job you wouldn't want to do

Do you hate your job? Is it boring or unchallenging? Do you feel like crying every time you see your paycheck? Before you complain too loudly, think about all those people, millions of them, who do jobs that are far worse than yours -- and I'm not talking about the ones who flip burgers for a living. Flipping burgers is a great job, especially compared to picking up poop. No, I'm not referring to dog owners. I'm referring to the 800,000 low-caste toilet cleaners in India.

In the rainy season,' the woman began, 'it is really bad. Water mixes with the shit and when we carry it (on our heads) it drips from the baskets, on to our clothes, our bodies, our faces. When I return home I find it difficult to eat food sometimes. The smell never gets out of my clothes, my hair. But this is our fate. To feed my children I have no option but to do this work.'

Naravanamma began cleaning human excrement at 13. She is now 35. The stench is nauseating, overpowering. First, she sweeps the shit into piles. Then, using two flat pieces of tin, she scoops it up and drops it into a bamboo basket which she carries to a spot where a tractor will arrive to pick it up. No gloves. No water to wash with. She hitches up her sari tightly so that it does not trail on the ground or touch the shit. Still, it is almost impossible to go through a whole day's work without some of it inadvertently getting onto her clothes and person.

After 20-odd years of cleaning toilets, Naravanamma clings to a dignity which is markedly at variance with the work she does. She is dressed neatly, immaculately clean. Jasmine adorns her oiled and well-groomed hair.[Link}

I've put Naravanamma's quote on my desktop to remind myself that I should never complain about my job. And I should save my admiration, not for Jennifer Aniston and 50 Cent, but for people like her.

Nshima, the underappreciated food

My good friend Heli, a Zambian-American, was kind enough to cook some nshima for lunch during my recent visit to his home in Elizabethtown, Pennsylvania. I had two helpings of nshima, along with some cabbage and chicken curry (pictured), and would have eaten more, had my stomach not started to resemble a beach ball. Nshima is very filling -- it's one of the heaviest foods I know, and if you don't believe me, just try bench-pressing a plateful of nshima.

Nshima is the staple food of Zambia, the country I grew up in. (It's also eaten in surrounding countries, though known by other terms, such as sadza in Zimbabwe and ugali in East Africa.) Zambians are crazy about two things: nshima and soccer (which may explain why they shape nshima into round balls before eating it). As British freelance journalist Jamie Baldwin wrote during a visit to Zambia, "Every Zambian inhabitant eats the stuff, morning, lunch and dinner -- without exception. And they love it, absolutely love it. Starve a Zambian of nshima for more than 12 hours and they break out into cold sweats and delusions."

Nshima is made from corn (or maize) meal, known to Zambians as mealie meal. According to Wikipedia, "The maize flour is first boiled with water into porridge and then skillfully 'paddled', not stirred, to create a thick paste with the addition of more flour. Zambians consider cooking nshima an art form with the aim of achieving the correct texture and taste." I never realized this before, but my friend Heli is a very good nshima artist.

Samit Basu's Ten Commandments

Author Samit Basu wrote a brilliant (and funny) poem in memory of Shakti Bhatt, the late book editor, who died far too young. An excerpt is below, but you should read the whole poem

The Ten Commandments

The ground was cracked and dry and bleak, and dark clouds streaked the angry sky

As Moses crawled his weary wander down the slopes of Mount  Sinai.

His head was bowed, his back was bent, he carried stone tablets of truth

He wished he’d known this day would come; he’d have done push-ups as a youth.

He halted by a rugged rock and laid down the twin slabs of stone.

He looked around and started as he saw that he was not alone.

A vision of delight now stood before him, fashionably clad.

Her eyes were bright and sparkling, her presence made him strangely glad.

‘I’ve heard you have a manuscript,’ she said, ‘so can I take a look?

‘I’ve heard you’re wise and mesmerizing, Mo; It’s time you wrote a book!’

‘This isn’t mine,’ said Moses, ‘It’s the word of God Omniscient.’

‘So you would be his agent, right? You’d get a fair fifteen percent.’

With slender hands she reached out and picked up the stones and Moses stared

She read them calmly. ‘Ten Commandments. Good title. There’s something there.

Ten simple rules to help you lead your life, to guide and show you how,

Great concept. There’s a market, too – self-help’s very big right now.

Read the rest

Rudy Giuliani loves his wife

I just returned home from a three-week vacation and while I was gone, something amazing happened: Rudy Giuliani spoke to his wife. He told her he loves her. Twice. In the middle of a speech. Here's the video of the earth-shattering moment:

Wow, what a great family man! He loves his wife, Judy, so much, he's willing to take a phone call from her in the middle of a speech. Everyone should vote for him!

Isn't it wonderful that Judy just happened to call him in the middle of speech? Otherwise Americans wouldn't know what a great family man he is and some of them would end up voting for Hillary Clinton or some other presidential candidate who doesn't know the first thing about family values.