Nshima & Curry

The Afghan solution: Less opium, more marijuana

Afghan farmers have been instructed not to grow poppy plants, but perhaps they should have been given a copy of The Illustrated Guide to Forbidden Crops. And perhaps also a copy of 101 Bad Things That Could Happen to You in Prison.

As Afghanistan struggles to cut its raging opium production, aid workers try to find alternative crops, but for some former poppy farmers the choice was easy -- they planted marijuana instead.

Afghanistan's opium crop topped all records this year, producing some 93 percent of the world's supply of the drug. [Link]

Wow, 93 percent! No wonder so many teen-agers can find Afghanistan on the world map. It's the No.1 destination for summer volunteers.

Balkh province in the north was trumpeted as a success story -- from 7,000 hectares of poppies cultivated in 2006, it was declared opium-free in 2007 after strong local government action.

But around the ancient citadel of Balkh, in fields where pink poppy flowers stood last year, jagged green marijuana stalks poke above other crops and in places whole cannabis fields produce a pungent aroma strong enough to be picked by passing motorists.

The farmers are still cautious. "They are not my fields," said Shamseddin, surrounded by head-high cannabis plants in full flower. "I don't know who they belong to," he said, dropping a sickle to the ground and nudging it away with his foot. [Link]

That Shamseddin, he's so sneaky. Almost managed to fool the Reuters reporter. If only he wasn't wearing a T-shirt promoting his website: "BestMarijuana.com."

Seniors picket for doughnuts

I'm a couple of decades away from retirement, but I'm already looking forward to it. I can sleep till noon, play bridge and shuffleboard all day, and stuff myself with cake and doughnuts. Well, perhaps not the latter. I'll probably have health concerns that prevent me from eating the good stuff. And even if I don't, I may have to fight for the right to indulge in sugary snacks and desserts, as some seniors in Putnam County, New York, are doing.

It was just another morning at the senior center: Women were sewing, men were playing pool -- and seven demonstrators, average age 76, were picketing outside, demanding doughnuts.

They wore sandwich boards proclaiming, "Give Us Our Just Desserts" and "They're Carbs, Not Contraband."

At issue is a decision to refuse free doughnuts, pies and breads that were being donated to senior centers around Putnam County, north of New York City. Officials were concerned that the county was setting a bad nutritional precedent by providing mounds of doughnuts and other sweets to seniors.

"Lack of respect is what it's all about," said Joe Hajkowski, 75, a former labor union official who organized the demonstration. He said officials had implied that seniors were gorging themselves on jelly doughnuts and were too senile to make the choice for themselves.

C. Michael Sibilia said, "I'm 86, not 8." [Link}

I tend to agree. When it comes to senior citizens and their bodies, I'm pro-choice, not pro-life. They're not trying to kill themselves with cigarettes and booze. They're trying to kill themselves with doughnuts and pies. What's wrong with that?

Mandela's alive and so is Bush's reputation

Poor George Bush. Eloquence isn't one of his strong suits, but even when he tries hard and manages to string a few coherent words together, he still gets ridiculed, as a Reuters article shows.

Nelson Mandela is still very much alive despite an embarrassing gaffe by U.S. President George W. Bush, who alluded to the former South African leader's death in an attempt to explain sectarian violence in Iraq.

"It's out there. All we can do is reassure people, especially South Africans, that President Mandela is alive," Achmat Dangor, chief executive officer of the Nelson Mandela Foundation, said as Bush's comments received worldwide coverage.

In a speech defending his administration's Iraq policy, Bush said former Iraqi President Saddam Hussein's brutality had made it impossible for a unifying leader to emerge and stop the sectarian violence that has engulfed the Middle Eastern nation.

"I heard somebody say, Where's Mandela?' Well, Mandela's dead because Saddam Hussein killed all the Mandelas," Bush, who has a reputation for verbal faux pas, said in a press conference in Washington on Thursday. . . .

References to his death--Mandela is now 89 and increasingly frail--are seen as insensitive in South Africa. [Link]

Well, it should be fairly obvious that Bush was using a metaphor -- and a good one at that. But of course most people would find it hard to believe that Bush even knows what a metaphor is.

Reporter: "President Bush, why did you allude to Nelson Mandela's death."

Bush: "Uh ... I was speaking ... uh ... meta ... uh ... metaformically. I was using a metaform."

Homosexuality inside the Republican family

It takes guts to change your position, to admit that you made a mistake, especially when you're a Republican politician and will be called "a flip-flopper," "a waffler" or, worst of all, "a liberal." So I have to give Jerry Sanders, the mayor of San Diego, a lot of credit for switching his position on same-sex marriage and doing what the second most powerful man in America just can't get himself to do.

Mayor Jerry Sanders abruptly reversed his public opposition to marriage for same-sex partners and revealed that his adult daughter is a lesbian.

Sanders on Wednesday signed a City Council resolution supporting a challenge to California's gay marriage ban. He previously promised to veto it.

The Republican mayor said he could no longer back the position he took during his election campaign two years ago, when he said he favored civil unions but not full marriage rights for homosexual couples.

He fought back tears as he said he wanted his adult daughter, Lisa, and other gay people he knows to have their relationships protected equally under state laws.

"In the end, I could not look any of them in the face and tell them that their relationships their very lives were any less meaningful than the marriage that I share with my wife Rana," Sanders said. [Link]

Yep, it's a lot easier to oppose same-sex marriage when no member of your family is gay or lesbian, when it doesn't affect one of your own.Sanders obviously has a conscience. Dick Cheney is still searching for his, probably in the same place that he's searching for WMDs.

The heroic deeds of Sir Ben Kingsley

Congratulations to Sir Ben Kingsley, who recently married his fourth wife and is so happy, he plans to wait a few months before searching for his fifth.

The actor Ben Kingsley has secretly married a Brazilian former waitress half his age. The 63-year-old Oscar winner is said to have made bit part-actress Daniela Barbosa de Carneiro, 34, his fourth wife.[Link]

She's young enough to be his daughter, but that's not really a big deal to him, even if he would have preferred someone who was young enough to be his granddaughter.

Sir Ben's marriage to the former Miss Barbosa is just the latest episode in the colourful soap opera that is his private life.

To date, the script includes: three failed marriages, four children by two different wives, a long-term live-in lover who was replaced by wife No 3 (also nearly half his age), whom he then jettisoned after discovering her embracing her lover in a photograph on the internet in 2005.[Link]

But before you get too judgmental, just remember this: he's doing it for the good of the human race.

Monkeying around at Delhi airport

"Be careful when you arrive in New Delhi," the travel agent advised the tourist. "The airport is like a zoo." The tourist was a little disappointed when he entered the airport. He spotted only one monkey.

Wildlife officials were struggling to catch a monkey which sneaked inside the security area of New Delhi's international airport and forced the brief closure of the VIP lounge, a security official said.

The lounge at the airport was partially closed for more than an hour on Sunday after the monkey scampered through the international departures terminal. [Link]

It was later learned that the monkey had been hired by Air India, as part of an ambitious new program to improve service on its flights. "We are sorry our newest employee caused such a commotion," an Air India official said. "We have advised him of the importance of wearing his uniform."

The excitement of a new author

I've often wondered what it must be like for an author to spot someone reading his or her book. Imagine sitting on a plane next to a person who's perusing your book. Would you reveal that you're the author or just wait until the person sees the photo on the book jacket, glances at you, and says, "Wow, you look a little like this author. But I'm sure you don't write crap like this."

Earlier this year, first-time author Imran Ahmad wrote a comment on Scott Pack's blog about the excitement of seeing his newly published (and previously self-published) memoir Unimagined in a bookstore:

I slip out of the office at lunchtime to go to Borders. A bus is coming, so I run to the bus stop and just make it. I flash my travel card and he doesn’t even blink, as if I’m not really here, as if I’m a figment of my own imagination.

My heart is thumping as Borders approaches. I jump off the bus, run across the road and regain my composure, before I stride casually inside the store. I don’t want to draw attention to myself, get recognised and be accosted by a crowd of hysterical young women. (Actually, I do).

There it is, facing me on the shelf – eight copies, ‘front of store’ as promised. This is the moment I have waited all my life for. Wow! I can hardly believe it. I thought this was going to happen in 2005, with my magnificent self-published book (with its mysterious, enigmatic cover), but somehow I wasn’t able to persuade Borders to stock it, let alone put it ‘front of store’.

Column: Remembering the victims of Sept. 11

So many names, so many faces. Names that could fill a small town's phone directory, faces that could pack a small college's yearbook.

Do you remember the names? Can you picture the faces? Or has the passage of time turned your mind into a Cuban dock, with more going out than coming in?

Here are five names: Ronald Orsini, Valsa Raju, Michael Parkes, Brooke Jackman, Bill Dean.

Five people who perished on Sept. 11. Let's meet them. With help from the New York Times, let's take a quick peek into their lives.

Ronald Orsini, 59, a bond broker at the World Trade Center, had studied ballet as a boy and loved to dance. But when he wasn't dancing, his wife, Arlene, considered him a klutz. She asked him, "What would you be like if you hadn't danced ballet?"

Klutz or not, he had a positive outlook on life, the type of eternal optimist who, on Sept. 11, might have said, "Stop worrying about it. It's only a plane. I barely heard the crash. My office is only half-full of smoke. How many bonds did you say you wanted?"

Riding a train in Mumbai

I've never traveled by train in Mumbai, India -- all my train trips have been in the south -- but if I ever did, my only chance of getting on the train would be to wear a sari and sneak into the ladies' compartment. Of course, Mumbaikars (or is it Mumbaites?) are used to this, just as New York City drivers are used to people showing them the finger -- and not just Jets fans claiming their team is No. 1. Mumbaikars take it in stride and focus on the positives.

Can't get a seat in the compartment? No problem, I'll just stand in the aisle. I feel like stretching my legs anyway.

Can't get into the aisle? No problem, I'll just stand in the doorway. I'll get more fresh air this way.

Can't get two feet in the doorway? No problem, I'll just put one foot there and hold on tightly. It'll be easier for me to get off.

Can't get one foot in the doorway? No problem, I'll just hold on tightly, suspended in the air. This is going to make my arms stronger and impress the babes at work.

South Africans united in pigging out

National Barbecue Day -- it sounds like something that would be quite popular in North America. Every holiday, of course, is an excuse to pig out, not just Thanksgiving, but also Christmas, Easter and Fourth of July. The latter could easily be called National Barbecue Day. After all, Fourth of July is all about celebrating freedom, particularly the freedom to stuff yourself. So perhaps South Africa is just trying to accept reality.

Archbishop Desmond Tutu has become the patron of South Africa's Barbecue (Braai) Day, saying the pastime is a unifying force in a divided country.

The Nobel Peace Prize laureate celebrated his appointment by donning an apron and tucking into a sausage outside his office.

"This is something that can unite us. It is so proudly South African, so uniquely South African," he said. [Link]

Food can indeed unite people. If you're serving me a delicious sausage sandwich, I really don't care whether you're black, white, brown, short, tall, fat, thin, gay or heterosexual. Heck, I'd even accept a sandwich from George W. Bush.

Keep your feet together, says the Ayatollah

Larry Craig is resigning from the U.S. Senate after pleading guilty to disorderly conduct in a Minneapolis bathroom. The Idaho Republican was accused of soliciting sex from a man in the adjoining stall, a man who turned out to be an undercover police officer. The transcript of the interview between the officer, Sgt. Dave Karsnia, and Craig is rather revealing, especially when comments from Grand Ayatollah Khamenei-Brown of Minnesota are included.

Karsnia: How long do you think you stood outside the stalls?

Craig: Oh a minute or two at the most.

Ayatollah: Two minutes? Off with your head!

Karsnia: Okay. And when you went in the stalls, then what?

Craig: Sat down.

Ayatollah: You sat down? Off with your head!

Karsnia: Okay. Did you do anything with your feet?

Craig: Positioned them, I don't know. I don't know at the time. I'm a fairly wide guy.

Ayatollah: Do you think I was born yesterday? Off with your head!

Karsnia: I understand.

Craig: I had to spread my legs.

Ayatollah: You spread your legs? Oh, the immorality! Off with your legs!

Four More Supporters For Fred

Fred Thompson, the former U.S. senator who played a district attorney on Law & Order, is running for president, and his campaign has kicked off in a big way in Utah.

A handful of Utah "Fredheads" - political activists supporting the late entry of Republican Fred Thompson into the presidential sweepstakes - gathered Thursday in Salt Lake City to kick off their campaign for the oldest fresh face in the race.

Just four Thompson supporters showed up at Utah Republican Party headquarters for the event, leaving dozens of untouched cookies and vegetable snacks provided in hopes a much bigger crowd would materialize. [Link]

But on a positive note, there were enough supporters at the event to hold up the letters "F-R-E-D."

I'm really surprised more people didn't show up. Perhaps all the promotional posters and fliers said, "Please come and support the Fred Thompson for President campaign." It would have been more effective, of course, to say, "Free cookies!!! Free cookies!!! Come and eat them in support of Fred."

It shouldn't be difficult to attract more than four people in Utah, especially if refreshments are served and men are allowed to bring ALL their wives.

Five tips for Chinese restaurants

My wife and I have eaten at dozens of Chinese restaurants. A few were just superb -- great food, great atmosphere, great service -- but most were lacking in one or more areas. We usually leave a decent tip for the waiter or waitress, but what I'd really like to do is leave several tips for the entire staff:

1. If you're waiting on us, we'd really prefer it if you aren't eating at the same time at a nearby table. We know you're hungry too, but could you get someone else to wait on us, someone who doesn't have to finish chewing quickly whenever we need something?

2. We know English isn't your first language, but we'd really appreciate it if you could get someone to proofread the menus, perhaps a student from the local school who made it past the first round of the spelling bee. That way, we won't be confused by items like "brockoli and aspire gas" and "sweet and shower pork." (Please ignore this tip if all you're trying to do is give us a little entertainment.)

3. We're glad you get along well with your co-workers, but our idea of a good time isn't listening to loud conversations between you and the dishwasher. If you must do it, please do it in English, so we don't have to wonder what you're saying about us. "Look at him! He stir coffee with chop stick!"

4. We know you have to keep busy -- you can't just stand beside our table and watch us trying to decipher the menu. It's perfectly okay with us if you sort silverware or refill the salt shakers, but we'd be extremely grateful if you didn't sit at the next table and chop beef. It just isn't very appetizing, even if you're careful to wipe your hands on your apron before bringing us the "sweet and shower pork."

5. We're from India. When we say we like our food spicy, we mean that we'd like our tongues to be on fire. "Mild" and "medium" just don't cut it. There's got to be a fire somewhere. If you can't set our tongues on fire, then at least fire the cook.

My boy is 14 inches long

That's my boy Zuke in the picture. He's 14 inches long. I'm so proud of him. I call him my boy, because I played a critical role in his "birth." Yes, I helped "inseminate" his mother. But don't call me a deviant. Other people are doing it too. Food enthusiast Jason Perlow describes why in his post "How to Molest Your Zucchini."

Summer squashes such as Zucchini are some of my favorite vegetables to grow in a home garden. You may notice that no matter how well you take care of them, the damn plants won’t produce any fruit. Well, part of this problem is that there are a lot less bees out there to perform the pollination of these plants, and so the plants just grow large with no fruit growing on them. So you have to give Mother Nature a helping hand. Cue the porno music. [Link]

Perlow has some pictures that show you exactly "how to molest your zucchini." He's even got closeups of the female parts, which means his blog is probably banned in China.

The scarcity of bees is a major problem, as Ben Macintyre writes in the London Times.

Bees are dying across the world at a terrifying rate. The apian epidemic started in the United States, where entire populations of honey bees have simply vanished in the phenomenon known as colony collapse disorder (CCD). At least a quarter of America’s 2.5 million honeybee colonies have been wiped out already, and CCD has spread to Brazil, Canada and parts of Europe. [Link]

Bees, he goes on to say, "pollinate about 80 percent of flowering crops, which in turn furnish one third of the human diet." Wow, I didn't realize we were that dependent on bees. They're nature's gynecologists. A little intrusive, but good for reproduction.