Nshima & Curry

Column: In search of America on a world map

In the final round of the recent Miss Teen USA 2007 pageant, Lauren Upton –- better known as Miss Teen South Carolina –- was asked this question: "Recent polls have shown a fifth of Americans can't locate the U.S. on a world map. Why do you think this is?"

Upton paused briefly, then proceeded to give a most revealing answer, part of which sounded like this: “I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some ... people out there in our nation don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and, uh, the Iraq everywhere like, such as and ...”

When I heard that “a fifth of Americans can’t locate the U.S. on a world map,” I was really surprised, because I didn’t realize that four-fifths CAN. I decided to conduct my own survey to see if this was true, using a map with all the names deleted. To make sure my survey was scientific, I questioned only randomly selected people, both men and women, from all over Lauren Upton’s hometown.

Me: “Excuse me, mister, can you show me where America is on this world map.”

Young man (pointing): “Yeah, of course I can. There it is.”

Me: “Uh … actually, that’s Iraq.”

Mrs. Iowa, saved by Mrs. Tennessee, doing fine, writes Mrs. Idaho

I recently made fun of one beauty pageant contestant, so it's only fair that I give props to another, the fast-acting Mrs. Iowa, who, I'm sure, knows how to find America on a world map.

Mrs. Tennessee was bitten by a rattlesnake on the way to rehearsals for the Mrs. America pageant — and was treated on the scene by one of her competitors for the crown, Mrs. Iowa.

Christina Ryan, 28, was leaving a breakfast Sunday at the Loews Ventana Canyon Hotel in Tucson, Ariz., when the wily serpent — coiled at the bottom of some concrete steps — struck, biting her on the foot, according to The Tennessean newspaper. [LInk]

Wily serpent indeed. We can only imagine how long he had been planning this attack. I'm sure investigators are doing a background check on him, making sure he and Mrs. Tennessee didn't have any sort of prior relationship.

Luckily, Mrs. Iowa — nurse Taryn Schuyler, 30 — was with her and was able to extract the snake’s fang from Ryan’s skin.

“I guess he bit me and let go,” Ryan told The Tennessean. “I ran up the stairs and became totally hysterical … It hurt worse than childbirth.” [LInk]

Worse than childbirth? I didn't know that anything was worse than childbirth, other than perhaps listening to Roseanne sing.

Don't push the buttons on the elevator

Today's lesson in religion comes from Broward County, Florida, where the board of a four-story condominium building is about to spend $11,000 to make the elevator automatically stop at all floors on the Jewish Sabbath -- Friday evening to Saturday evening -- so that the condo owners, most of whom are Orthodox Jews, don't have to push any buttons.

But two of the owners, who are also Jewish, are angry their money will be used for a religious accommodation.

"I respect their desires, but why does the building have to pay for this?" asked snowbird Nicki Goldstein, 69, from her New York City home.

By law, however, everyone who buys in a condo community agrees to submit to the will of the majority. About 85 percent of the owners are Orthodox. On the Sabbath, they are not allowed to do anything that would create energy, such as drive a car, turn on a light or push an elevator button. [Link]

They're not allowed to push an elevator button on the Sabbath (or Shabbat), but apparently it's okay to ride the elevator. What they need is one of those voice-operated, talking elevators.

Resident: "Fourth floor, please."

Elevator: "Shabbat Shalom!"

Resident: "Shabbat Shalom to you too. Now get moving. I don't have all day."

Elevator (muttering to itself): "Oy vey! I can't stand some of these residents. They really know how to push my buttons."

Wikipedia has an entry on the "39 categories of activity prohibited on Shabbat," a list from the ancient Talmud that includes planting, plowing and reaping. I don't see anything related to using elevators, but "transferring between domains" is definitely prohibited, which means, of course, that Orthodox Jews have to stay off the Internet.

A statue for a statesman

It warmed my heart to hear that a statue of Nelson Mandela was just unveiled in London's Parliament Square. I consider him the greatest leader of this era. I don't know if anyone even comes close (put your hand down, Fidel). He is the Gandhi of our time and we should be throwing away our Beyoncé  tickets and lining up to see him.

Talking to crowds who gathered for the unveiling, Mr Mandela said: "Though this statue is of one man, it should in actual fact symbolise all of those who have resisted oppression, especially in my country." [Link]

Few people resisted like he did. He spent 27 years in prison. And even more inspiring was his policy of reconciliation when he came out. Elected South Africa's first black president in 1994, he stepped down after only one term, resisting the temptation to cling to power like so many leaders (put your hand up, Fidel).

"Long after we are forgotten, you will be remembered for having taught the world one amazing truth," said Mr Livingstone.(London's mayor)

"That you can achieve justice without vengeance.  I honour you and London honours you." [Link]

Every city in the world should honor him. Streets, schools and babies should be named after him. Boys should be named Nelson and girls should be named Nelsona. But that isn't enough. The whole galaxy should honor him. The moon should be renamed "Moondela" and the sun should be renamed "NelSun."

Please treat me like a dog

If you have a good life, be thankful. You could have been born in a part of the world where life is a struggle. You could have been born to a destitute family -- and scavenged for food as a child. You could have had a dog's life. But even some dogs are saying something similar. They're saying to each other, "Aren't we lucky? We could have had a human's life."

If behaviour therapists, designer outfits and gourmet food aren't enough to keep pampered pooches happy, owners can now try swimming lessons.

The class for puppies is one of the latest ways New Yorkers are pleasing their pets in a city famed for owners indulging their dogs.

"We teach them how to swim, how to get in the pool," said Stacy Alldredge, whose Manhattan dog spa houses the swim classes and pool, complete with built-in dog steps. [Link]

If those dogs feel lucky, they haven't seen Trouble. Trouble is one lucky pooch.

Leona Helmsley's dog will continue to live an opulent life, and then be buried alongside her in a mausoleum. But two of Helmsley's grandchildren got nothing from the late luxury hotelier and real estate billionaire's estate.

Helmsley left her beloved white Maltese, named Trouble, a $12 million trust fund, according to her will, which was made public Tuesday in surrogate court.[Link]

I wonder how those grandchildren feel. Perhaps they need to befriend Trouble. If they're lucky, she will remember them in her will.

When one wedding dress isn't enough

I'm always amazed how much couples (or their parents) spend on their wedding. Not only do they shell out thousands for food and drink, they also pay for dresses, flowers, favors, photographers, musicians, comedians, and, in some cases, Bill Clinton. Getting married these days is almost as costly as getting divorced. And the costs keep rising, not just because of inflation, but also because of people like Katie Holmes, who wore TWO dresses when she wed Tom Cruise. No, not at the same time.

Christi Vagnozzi, senior editor at The Knot, a wedding magazine and Web site, says celebrities influence bridal trends. She points to Toledo-born actress Katie Holmes, punk-pop singer Avril Lavigne, and crooner Christina Aguilera, all of whom wore two dresses at their weddings. Ms. Holmes, wed to actor Tom Cruise, went with two Armani designs. [Link]

So what's happening now? Ordinary women are feeling compelled to follow suit, apparently saying to themselves, "What a great idea! Five years from now, I'll have TWO dresses I can't fit into."

Tiffany Brazeau would like two dresses for her September, 2008, wedding. She wants one to be strapless, fitted, and a blush-pink shade.

“I go on The Knot [message board] all the time and a lot of girls talk about it,” says Ms. Brazeau, a manager at Atlas Bridal Shop. “I think I’m going to do something more fitted, along the lines of the mermaid style. I’m waiting to go to Las Vegas [to a bridal show] to see what’s coming up.” [Link]

But why stop at two dresses? Why not have three or four? One for the wedding, one for the reception, one for the limo ride, and one for the groom in the hotel room. (If he's the cross-dressing type.)

Heroine of the Week: Anonymous real-estate agent

She's an anonymous real-estate agent in Alameda County, California, and she did something that I find incredible: she set up a job interview for the man who had just raped her. No, this isn't a story of instant forgiveness -- it's a story of courage and ingenuity.

When the 47-year-old woman's alleged assailant showed up at a coffee shop the day after the attack for his job interview, sheriff's deputies took him into custody.

Howard Moore, 24, of San Leandro, was arrested on suspicion of rape, sheriff's Sgt. J.D. Nelson said.

The woman, who works as a real-estate agent, was showing a home in Alameda County to a prospective buyer Aug. 16 when the prospective buyer attacked her, Nelson said. He declined to say where the incident happened because that could identify the victim.[Link]

The alleged rapist probably thought he was quite smart, getting a real-estate agent to show him a house and then raping her. But she turned out to be far smarter than him.

During the attack, the woman started to befriend him "in attempt to gain his trust," Nelson said.

She told him she wasn't going to call the police and would try to help him, Nelson said. She even went as far as to promise to arrange a job interview for a security or bodyguard position for the man the following day, Nelson said.[Link]

I don't know what's more amazing: her courage or his stupidity. Did he really think she was going to set him up for a security or bodyguard position -- after he had choked, raped and robbed her? That's like Michael Vick interviewing for a position with PETA.

Americans fight for 'right to dry'

When I visited India a couple of years ago, I noticed that many middle-class families owned washing machines, but no dryers. Instead they used something called "The Sun." Apparently, "The Sun" is hot enough to dry clothes. All you have to do is hang them outside and "The Sun" does the rest. Wow, I thought, I wonder if  "The Sun" would dry clothes in America too.

Many Americans are wondering the same thing, realizing how much energy they can save by using "The Sun." Some are joining the 'right to dry' movement, fighting bans against clotheslines in many communities.

Vermont is the latest state to introduce a bill that would override clothesline bans, which are often instituted by community associations loath to air laundry even when it's clean. Now, clothesline restrictions may be headed the way of bans on parking pickup trucks in front of homes, or growing grass too long -- all vestiges of trim and tidy hopes that may not fit with the renewed emphasis on going green. [Link]

That pickup truck can really help you save energy, especially if you dry your underwear on the antenna.

Neem Active toothpaste, fortified with active bacteria

If you've never tried Neem Active Toothpaste with Calcium from India, well ... don't. At least not until its manufacturer proves to health authorities that it's safe to use. Health Canada has issued two warnings about the toothpaste, the latest one on Aug. 24.

OTTAWA - Further to the Health Canada warning issued July 26, 2007, further testing on Neem Active Toothpaste with Calcium, manufactured by Calcutta Chemical Co. Ltd in India, has revealed that in addition to unacceptable levels of diethylene glycol (DEG), the product also contains high levels of harmful bacteria. This poses additional significant health risks, especially to children and individuals with compromised immune systems. [SAJAForum]

In case you're wondering, "DEG is a poisonous chemical used in antifreeze and as a solvent. It may cause nausea, abdominal pain, dizziness, urinary problems, kidney failure, breathing problems, lethargy, convulsions, coma and even death when ingested." But on the bright side, you won't be worried about cavities.

Humanfighting just as bad as dogfighting

Michael Vick, quarterback of the Atlanta Falcons, has finally pled guilty to federal dogfighting charges and now awaits what should be a well-deserved prison sentence. It still amazes me how he thought he could get away with his cruel deeds -- even after the case came to light. Did he think he could evade the law as easily as he evades defensive ends and linebackers? Then again, the promoters of humanfighting are just as callous and just as arrogant -- and I'm not talking about Don King and his ilk. Professional boxers get paid handsomely, even if the sport leaves many of them quite unhandsome. The typical soldier, on the other hand, comes from a poor family and is lured into the military by wages and incentives that wouldn't even pay for a night out for televangelist Benny Hinn.

At least 70,749 civilians are believed to have lost their lives as a result of the Iraq War -- and so have thousands of combatants on both sides. And let's not forget about the tens of thousands who have been severely injured -- some will never be able to walk again. The pain and anguish inflicted by the war is immeasurable. It just wasn't worth it, except of course to all the people who benefited financially from the humanfighting.

Some folks are calling for President Bush to be impeached, but I'm not in favor of that. I think Bush just needs to end the war as soon as possible and apologize to everyone. And serve a sentence at least as long as Michael Vick's.

Miss Teen South Carolina robbed of title

It was the final round of the Miss Teen USA 2007 pageant, only five contestants left. "This is the round of the competition that ultimately determines their fate," Host Mario Lopez said. "The make it or break it moment. The ladies will have to demonstrate their ability to answer a thought-provoking, final question."

Lauren Caitlin Upton, Miss Teen South Carolina, was first up and drew a question from judge Aimee Teegarden: "Recent polls have shown a fifth of Americans can't locate the U.S. on a world map. Why do you think this is?"

Upton licked her lips briefly, then proceeded to give the most brilliant answer in the history of beauty pageants: "I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some ... people out there in our nation don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and, uh, the Iraq everywhere like, such as and ... I believe that they should, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future for ..." [YouTube video]

What a great answer! I can't believe she didn't win. Her answer was superb for five reasons: (1) She used the term "U.S. Americans," acknowledging the existence of other North, Central and South Americans; (2) she explained why so many Americans can't locate the U.S. on a world map (they don't have maps); (3) she demonstrated that she can name countries in the rest of the world (South Africa and the Iraq); (4) she showed her concern for the rest of the world, stating that U.S. education should help South Africa, the Iraq and the Asian countries; and (5) she singlehandedly destroyed the stereotype of the dumb blonde.

Never too late to achieve some dreams

When you're my age, you love to think that you can still do things that young people do. While watching football on TV, you say to yourself, "Even I could have thrown that ball," knowing full well that the only thing you've been able to throw recently is a fit. When you read about some whiz kid who applied a mathematical principle to the field of astronomy and earned a Ph.D., you say to yourself, "Even I could have applied a mathematical principle," knowing full well that the only thing you've applied recently is Bengay.

Your confidence in your ability is boosted by the achievements of older people, folks like Queen star Brian May, who has just earned a Ph.D. in astronomy. It's not an honorary degree -- he has two of those -- but a real one, putting him well-ahead of celebrities like Shilpa Shetty in the intellect department.

The rock guitarist, who abandoned his studies to pursue a career in music, was told of his success after taking a three-hour exam to discuss his work.

The 60-year-old, who handed in his 48,000-word tome earlier this month, said: "You can call me Dr May!"

The musician will be officially handed his PhD from London's Imperial College at the Royal Albert Hall next spring. [Link]

Wow, 48,000 words! Shetty also produced 48,000 words to earn her degree, but they were all on the set of Big Brother.

Time to work on that upper face

Having trouble attracting women? Here's some advice: Put your head in a vise. With a compressed upper face, you'll have to beat off the women with a stick.

A recent study of the skulls of human ancestors and modern humans finds that women, and thereby, evolution, selected for males with relatively short upper faces. The region between the brow and the upper-lip is scrunched proportionately to the overall size of their heads.

Among the men who fit the bill: Will Smith and Brad Pitt.

In a past study, researchers found a similar facial pattern in chimpanzees, with males having relatively shorter and broader faces compared with females, controlling for body size. [Link]

Ah, that explains why my wife has no picture of me on the wall, but a rather large one of a chimp.

I can just see it now: Somebody's going to be selling a facial scrunching exercise video: "Guys, do you want to be more attractive to women? Let me show you how. It takes only five minutes a day. Just stand in front of a mirror and try to touch your eyebrows with your upper lip. Trust me, it has worked for Will Smith, Brad Pitt and Chippy the Chimpanzee -- and it can work for you too."

When teachers act like gangsters

During my schooldays, I endured a number of canings and pinchings at the hands of teachers and principals, both in Zambia and India. I vividly remember my entire Form 3 (Grade 10) class being caned in Ndola, Zambia, because we were making too much noise. My butt was sore for days -- and striped for even longer. I also remember being pinched so hard at a Seventh Day Adventist school in Madurai, India, that part of my arm turned green and my eyes saw red.

Corporal punishment has thankfully been eradicated in some countries, including Canada, but it's still prevalent in many others, including India, where one poor girl in Bangalore was recently attacked by five gangsters posing as teachers.

In a gruesome incident, an 11-year-old VIth standard girl student of a City school was allegedly beaten black-and-blue by her teachers resulting in grievous injuries. Reason? For not doing her homework. Worse, the teachers who beat her up are themselves women. [Link]

Females beating another female? I'm in total shock. Were they taking testosterone or something?

If your marriage fails, don't hang out

What happens if your marriage goes sour but you can't afford to move into a place of your own? It's not a question I ponder often, but two recent stories have made me think about it. Steven Graham, a 55-year-old man in Pittsburg, Kansas, has been living in his car for seven years, much to his neighbors dismay.

“Every day he’s out there, he never goes into the house,” Kenny Waring said. “He sleeps out there, he eats out there, he watches TV, he plays guitar... . Everything that you do in your house, he does out there.”

Graham acknowledged that he does watch TV, listens to music and at times sleeps in the vehicle year-round, but stopped short of saying he lived in it.

“I’m living anywhere I’m at,” he said, pointing to the chair he was sitting in outside the home. “I’m living right here, right now.”

The car, a blue 1989 Buick Century, is parked on a concrete slab in the back yard of Graham’s property. A large, blue tarp covers about three-quarters of the vehicle, including the entire back window and license plate. The tarp is secured with bricks and cinder blocks.

An extension cord runs from the house to the car, providing power for a 13-inch TV that rests in the passenger seat, an oscillating fan and a radio. [Link]

A car, a TV and a radio. What more does a man need to be happy?

Illegal to be gay in Uganda

Homosexuality is against the law in many parts of the world, including India and most African countries. In Uganda, it carries a maximum punishment of life imprisonment and 95 percent of Ugandans seem to like it that way. Katherine Roubos, a 22-year-old from Minnesota, has been writing about gay issues in the East African country while interning at the Daily Monitor. In a recent piece, several gays and lesbians described their struggles to her. One 30-year-old man said he once thought he would "grow out of it," but has come to accept his homosexuality.

I am hiding, constantly wondering who is watching, afraid of accusations, but on the other side, I am happy because I have a community and I am following my heart. I have been with my partner seven years and we are very much in love.
When the people talk about gays and lesbians they run directly to talk about sex. But it is love between us, not just sex. When we are together, we are happy, just like a newly married couple would be. We trust and love each other.

I am very religious, but it is hard for me to go to church because I don’t feel safe there. But I was created by God, created like this; God did not make me wrong.
[Link]

He feels unsafe in church! Where's he supposed to go to feel safe -- the dark alley behind the bar?

The benefits of eating a guava

Growing up in Zambia, I ate tons of guavas. Guava trees were seemingly everywhere and I'd often eat the fruit right off the tree, then spend the next hour or so picking the seeds out of my teeth. Some guavas were overripe and I had to be careful not to chomp on them too quickly, lest I get some extra protein in the form of worms. But most were tasty, nutritious and worm-free.

Unfortunately, guavas aren't popular in North America, except among immigrants. If you find them in a grocery store, it's probably an ethnic one, a Chinese or Indian store where you might find them labeled as "Gwawas."

But guavas might be gaining some respect, at least in health circles. An article from Men's Health magazine lists the "obscure tropical fruit" as one of "The 10 best foods you aren't eating."

Why it's healthy: Guava has a higher concentration of lycopene--an antioxidant that fights prostate cancer--than any other plant food, including tomatoes and watermelon. In addition, 1 cup of the stuff provides 688 milligrams (mg) of potassium, which is 63 percent more than you'll find in a medium banana. And guava may be the ultimate high-fiber food: There's almost 9 grams (g) of fiber in every cup. [Link]

I knew it! As I always said to the other kids in Zambia, "Guavas are loaded with lycopene!"

How to eat it: Down the entire fruit, from the rind to the seeds. It's all edible--and nutritious. The rind alone has more vitamin C than you'd find in the flesh of an orange. You can score guava in the produce section of higher-end supermarkets or in Latin grocery stores. [Link]

Latin grocery stores? I'm going to have to brush up on my Latin. I'll do anything to score some guava.

Virgin power in Zambia

Here are a few AIDS-prevention posters being used in Zambia. Some urge youths to abstain from sex, others promote condom use, a few try to do both.

 

I'm not sure what the first woman is saying, but the second is saying, "Stop hugging and start walking!" and the third is saying, "Leave me alone!" I like the idea of "Virgin Power, Virgin Pride." In the western world, the only people who seem to  exhibit "Virgin Power, Virgin Pride" are the ones who work for Virgin Airways.

 

 

 

 

 

You'd better use it when there isn't love too!

Flatulence and other struggles of a soldier

Being a soldier isn't easy. You have to face bombs and bullets. And even when you're not in combat, danger lurks nearby, ready to pounce on you whenever you open a package of military food.

American soldiers often have to endure Meals, Ready-to-Eat (MREs), packages of food that are made to last three years and don't require much preparation. According to The Smoking Gun, soldiers will be treated to a new line of MREs next year, developed partly from the feedback of 400 soldiers at Fort Greeley in Alaska. The comments below, from different soldiers, reveal just how tasty MREs are:

I believe it was the dinner meal (chicken and dumplings) that caused this, but it sounded like a flatulence symphony in my tent all night.

The "doughnut" is just a fudge brownie in a circle with crappy "frosting." What are you trying to pull?

This meal sucked! Do you even try this crap before you give it to us?

Oh my God, what were you thinking? Why stuffed cabbage? Wow, it was horrible. I wanted to die. ... Don't ever give stuffed cabbage to a soldier again. Even POW's deserve better.

This new menu has me using the latrine 3x day.

Dairy shake tasted like medicine, please do not punish soldiers with that anymore.

The enchilada was a gift that keeps on giving: heartburn, indigestion, large amounts of gas.

Seventy-eight isn't enough

Remember the show Eight is Enough? Well, for one father in the United Arab Emirates, 78 isn't enough. He hopes to hit 100 by 2015.

Daad Mohammed Murad Abdul Rahman, 60, has already had 15 brides although he has to divorce them as he goes along to remain within the legal limit of four wives at a time.

"In 2015 I will be 68 years old and will have 100 children," the local tabloid quoted Abdul Rahman as saying.

"After that I will stop marrying. I have to have at least three more marriages to hit the century." [Link]

Poor guy -- he's allowed to have only four wives at a time. Otherwise he could have hit the century mark years ago. He could have married 100 women and gotten them all pregnant around the same time. Half of them on Tuesday, the other half on Wednesday.

Heroes of the Week: Glen Pearson and Jane Roy

In 2001, Glen Pearson and his wife, Jane Roy, adopted an orphaned Sudanese girl named Abuk. Four years later, the London, Ontario, couple discovered that Abuk had a twin sister and a brother. It was a no-brainer for them: They had to reunite the children. After years of effort, Abuk's siblings, 10-year-old Ater and 7-year-old Achen, finally arrived in Canada for a joyful reunion with her.

The three children tore through the house, led by the old pro at this, the small seven-year-old.

"Don't let the cats out. Take your shoes off! This is our room."

Then back outside. "My brother and sister are here!" she shouted to neighbours. [Link]

Look at the smiles on their faces. As a parent, I know how hard it is to get three children to smile in a photo, I know why their mother has to reach forward and do a little tickling.

To Pearson, the Liberal MP for London-North-Centre, the effort to get the children symbolizes the good that can happen in the world.

"It is a story of hope. There are hundreds of thousands of refugees being reunited in Sudan. They are going to communities that need water and help, but they are being reunited. War separated these children. Peace got them back." [Link]

It was more than peace that got them back. It was two people with big hearts. Thanks to them, Abuk will grow up with a brother and sister. She'll have someone to hug, someone to play with, someone to blame when the cats are out.

Indians could say Tata to motorcycles

The cheapest car in the world could soon be rolling off an assembly line in India, satisfying the needs of the country's burgeoning middle class.

The car maker Tata Motors has not divulged many details about the car other than its shockingly low sticker price of 100,000 rupees, or 1 lakh in Indian currency. That's just over £1200, less than half the price of the lowest-priced cars on India's market today. [Link]

Tata spokesman: "We're pleased to announce that we're going to be introducing a one-lakh car."

Reporter: "A one-lakh car? Will it have four wheels?"

Spokesman: "Yes, four wheels and a spare."

Reporter: "What about brakes?"

Spokesman: "Yes, it will have brakes. Good brakes."

Reporter: "Headlights?"

Spokesman: "Yes, it will have headlights."

Reporter: "Air-conditioning?"

Spokesman: "It's a one-lakh car, you idiot!"

Aishwarya: Good-looking, but theatrically challenged

Is Bollywood actress Aishwarya Bachchan (formerly Rai) the most beautiful woman in the world? Not in my book. It's a humor book, of course, so you can't take it too seriously. I'd rate Halle Berry, Angelina Jolie and Preity Zinta ahead of her, to mention just a few. I've always had a thing for Berry, even before she won the Oscar for Best Actress. On a scale of one to 10, I'd rate her an 11. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, of course, and if Aishwarya's fans think she's the most beautiful woman in the world, who am I to tell them to stop drinking the Kool-Aid?

But how far can looks carry an actress? Pretty far, if you consider Aishwarya's iconic status in India, but not far enough, if you consider the reviews of her Hollywood movie The Last Legion. Not only did western critics roundly pan the movie, a couple of them took shots at her acting skills as well.

Jack Mathews of the New York Daily News wrote: "And though Rai may be the most beautiful woman in the world, as some have claimed (I'll go with Michelle Pfeiffer), she's no actress." (Upon reading this, Aishwarya was devastated. "How can he write such a thing?" she said. "How can he think I'm not more beautiful than Michelle Pfeiffer?")

Geoff Pevere of The Toronto Star wrote: "The movie (directed gamely by the Xena and Hercules TV-show veteran Doug Lefler) follows the attempt to rescue the orphaned boy-emperor Romulus Augustus (Thomas Sangster) by a puffy-lidded, sleep-deprived centurion named Aurelius (Colin Firth) and his staggeringly gorgeous but theatrically challenged Bollywood-refugee sidekick named Mira (Aishwarya Rai)." (Upon reading this, Aishwarya was thrilled: "He said I'm staggeringly gorgeous! I bet he never said that about Michelle Pfeiffer.")

Pevere wasn't the only critic gushing about her looks. None, unfortunately, gushed about her acting.

Economic news that may surprise you

Kevin G. Hall, a reporter in the Washington bureau of the McClatchy newspaper company, reports that the prices of milk, eggs and other essentials in the American diet are shooting up by double digits. But hold on to your seats, here's the real shocker in his article:

Half the nation's families earn below the median family income of about $56,000. [Link, last paragraph]

The median family income is expected to increase next year, but leading economists believe that half the nation's families will STILL be below it. Even more stunning, perhaps, is their dire prediction that one out of every four Americans will remain among the bottom 25 percent of wage earners. But on the positive side, they predict that the average American family will earn as much money in the first quarter of 2008 as they will in January, February and March combined.

The challenge of getting into a posh hotel

In his superb book Maximum City, Suketu Mehta has an insightful passage about the challenge of entering The Taj hotel in Mumbai:

[The Taj] is less a hotel than a proving ground for the ego. The Taj lobby and its adjoining toilets are where you test your self-worth; theoretically, anyone can come in out of the heat and sit in the plush lobby, on the ornate sofas, amid the billionaire Arabs and the society ladies, or relieve themselves in the gleaming toilets. But you need that inner confidence to project to the numerous gatekeepers, the toilet attendants; you need first to convince yourself that you belong there, in order to convince others that you do. And then you realize that the most forbidding gatekeeper is within you. [Link]

Very true, but you may need more than inner confidence to get into some hotels. You may also need the right attire and skin color, even if you happen to be a person of great achievement, even if you happen to have won the Nobel Peace Prize.

She was wearing a Mayan dress, the traditional attire of indigenous people in central America, and the hotel's response was also traditional: throw her out.

Staff at Cancun's five-star Hotel Coral Beach appear to have assumed this was another street vendor or beggar, so without asking questions they ordered her to leave. Except the woman was Rigoberta Menchú, the Nobel peace prizewinner, Unesco goodwill ambassador, Guatemalan presidential candidate and figurehead for indigenous rights.

The attempted eviction, an example of discrimination against indigenous people common in central and south America, backfired when other guests recognised Ms Menchú and interceded on her behalf.

The human rights activist was in the Mexican coastal resort at the request of President Felipe Calderón to participate in a conference on drinking water and sanitation and was due to give interviews at the hotel.[Link]

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Me and Payless, totally clueless!

Many years ago, when I was a teen-ager, I left Zambia and briefly attended high school in Madurai, India. During one class, I tried to study for an upcoming exam without the teacher seeing me. What did I do? I naively opened the textbook, set it on my shoes and looked down at it. But not for long. Someone stopped me. The teacher? No, the student next to me. He said I was disrespecting Saraswati and if I didn't stop, he would report me to the teacher. Saraswati is the Hindu goddess of knowledge, music and the arts, and if I were smart, I would have prayed to her to help me pass the exam.

Books are treated with great respect in India, and shoes ... well, they're just dirty, not to be worn inside homes and temples. Shoes and books should be kept apart. If you dropped an Indian man from a second-floor balcony onto a pile of books, he will try his darndest to land on his head. If you asked him whether he has injured his head, he will say, "Oh, I'm not worried about that. I just hope I didn't hurt the books."

It's no wonder then that some Indian-Americans are a little perturbed about a Payless shoe ad in which a woman steps on four books, using them as a step ladder. The ad shows a close-up of the shoe atop the books. Viewers are supposed to think, "Nice shoes! I should go to Payless and get a pair." Instead, some of them are thinking, "Dirty shoes! I should go to Payless and wring their necks."

A holiday to get busy

While large countries like India and China are trying to slow their population growth, even larger countries like Canada and Russia are trying to increase theirs. Canada is doing it in three ways: (1) offering relatively easy immigration; (2) giving child tax credits and other incentives to parents; and (3) getting couples aroused by allowing nudity on TV. Russia is doing it by rewarding couples who have more than one child and, in at least one region, giving couples extra time to get busy.

A Russian region of Ulyanovsk has found a novel way to fight the nation's birth-rate crisis: It has declared Sept. 12 the Day of Conception and for the third year running is giving couples time off from work to procreate.

The hope is for a brood of babies exactly nine months later on Russia's national day. Couples who "give birth to a patriot" during the June 12 festivities win money, cars, refrigerators and other prizes.

Ulyanovsk, about 550 miles east of Moscow, has held similar contests since 2005. Since then, the number of competitors, and the number of babies born to them, has been on the rise. [Link]

As a man, I like the idea of a special day on which my wife would not, under any circumstances, have a headache. But sex is usually best when it's spontaneous, not when you and your friends are counting down the days.

Yuri: "Hey Boris, today is Sept. 11. You know what that means?"

Boris: "Of course I do. It means that Olga is going to have to put out tomorrow."

The next night ...

Yuri: "Boris, what are you doing sleeping on the lawn? Don't you know it's Sept. 12?"

Boris: "Of course I do. I asked Olga if she was going to put out -- and she put me out."

An obituary we can learn from

Nicholas Ryan Dunn of Indianapolis died a couple of weeks ago and his father, Jeffrey, decided to publish a rather candid obituary:

Yesterday my son took his own life. He did not intend to. He did something thousands of people have and are doing, using drugs. Drugs they know nothing about. Drugs recommended and provided by friends or strangers that are not chemists that know what's in them or doctors that knew how much his body could take.[Link]

Jeffrey Dunn also used the paid obituary to warn others about drugs:

Realize you have no more idea of what or how much is too much of what you're putting in your body than those selling it to you. Those drugs do not discriminate, by race, income, the status of you or of your family. These are those that care about you and those that you care about. Consider them please! The pleasure is not worth the risks! [Link]

Column: Don't wait for the boat: learn how to swim

I’ve never been a great swimmer. But I can move around the water fairly well, so well that I often hear encouraging words from people, such as “Good job, Melvin,” “Nice movement, Melvin,” and “Melvin, I think you’re almost ready to get out of the kiddie pool.”

I don’t want to brag, but I’m quite good at the breaststroke, even better than I am at stroking other body parts.

If you asked me whether I’m a beginner, intermediate or advanced swimmer, I’d have to say that I’m definitely an advanced beginner. On a scale of one to 10, I’m a solid two.

The important thing is, I know how to float. I’m an expert at floating. I can do it for several hours at a time, as long as there’s no leak in the raft.

If it happens to be leaking … well, then I can probably stay afloat by myself for an hour or two. I’m not likely to drown in a body of water, unless there’s a strong current, unless someone drops the radio in. But that’s electrocution, not drowning.

Swimming is a vital skill, as I’m constantly reminded when I read the news. Almost every day, there’s a story of drowning. People drown in all kinds of ways: some fall out of boats, some get caught in floods, some get drunk and think their cars are submarines.

Driver (entering ocean): “How do you like my new submarine, dude?”

Passenger: “Submarine? Who told you this was a submarine?”

Driver: “That’s what it’s called, dude. Submarine.”

Passenger: “Subaru, you idiot! It’s called a Subaru!”

Please help the dirty German children

UNICEF Germany has withdrawn a series of ads designed to bring attention to the millions of African children who can't attend school. The ads featured white children whose faces had been blackened. Some bloggers and others found them rather offensive. In a letter to one of them, UNICEF press officer Rudi Tarneden explains the ads:

The idea behind is that children from Germany demonstrate their solidarity with children in Africa by showing up with a coloured make up. Their message s: "Children may look different but are equal - we all want to go to school." Absolutely no connotation of black children as "dirty children" was intended.

Before publishing the ad, we had carefully discussed possible misinterpretations and the agency had also tested public reaction in a survey in Germany, without receiving negative comments. Neither did we receive any negative reaction from the German public after publication.

The ad was published in a few high-quality print media like Frankfurter Allgemeine Zeitung, Spiegel, Die Zeit, Stern, free-of-charge. These media had never volunteered to publish the ad if they would have expected a negative connotation. Obviously, the perception of the ad varies by country. [Link]

Perhaps UNICEF Africa can use the same pictures to raise money for German children. I'm sure a lot of African children would be shocked to see how dirty German children are.

Zambian boy: "I feel very sad for that German boy. He has so little water."

Zambian girl: "Yes, only enough water to wash his ear."

Drunk driver kills 300 in Germany!

A car can be a killing machine, especially when a drunk person is behind the wheel. A drunk German teenager  went on a joyride and left 300 victims in his wake.

Three hundred chickens died in panic early on Sunday when a drunken German teenager on a joyride crashed a van into their shed, police said.

"Apparently some of the chickens were so desperate to get away that they ran into the wall and died," the spokesman said. "Others suffered heart attacks." [Link]

The teen left the scene of the crime without trying to resuscitate any of his victims, without giving any of them mouth-to-beak. He was later arrested and charged with first-degree henslaughter.

Jeremy Hernandez, Hero of the Week

Say you saved a busload of children after a bridge collapse and everyone deems you a hero. Even your ex-girlfriends are saying nice things about you. The White House calls and requests a photo op -- they want you to appear in a picture with the president. He'll shake your hand, hug you and praise you. He may even share his favorite Bible verse with you. What would you say?

Jeremy Hernandez said, "Nope." He said 'nope' to the president of America, the "leader of the free world," the most powerful man in the world. He said 'nope' to all the publicity and prestige that comes with meeting the president. He said 'nope' to a photo that he could have shown to his grandchildren, a photo that would have been the envy of at least 29 percent of Americans.

Hernandez said, "Nope," and for that, he's an even bigger hero in my book. If his actions don't warm your heart, the reaction to his heroism surely will.

Within a day, news outlets across the country were repeating the story of the school bus, along with a sad footnote — that Mr. Hernandez had recently been forced to drop out of an automotive repair program because he could not afford the $15,000 tuition.

That has changed. On Saturday, Mr. Hernandez learned that Dunwoody College of Technology had offered him a full scholarship toward a degree in applied science. He has also received offers of help from dozens of strangers across the country, said Molly Schwartz, communications director for Pillsbury United Communities, which employed him as a gym coordinator for one of its summer programs. [Link]

A full scholarship in applied science. Hernandez deserves that and more. You can bet he won't say "nope" to this opportunity.

Fred Phelps, Bonehead of the Week

The Bonehead of the Week Award (a new feature of this blog) goes to the well-deserving Rev. Fred Phelps, whose church, the Westboro Baptist Church of Topeka, Kansas, announced that it planned to stage protests at the funerals of the victims of the Minneapolis bridge collapse to send the message that God caused the disaster because ... what else? ... he hates homosexuals and Minnesota's support of them.

The church and its pastor, the Rev. Fred Phelps, have become notorious over recent years for their claim that the attack of 9/11 was an act of God's vengeance and their determination to make that case at the funerals of U.S. soldiers who died in Iraq.  ...

Reached at the church, Shirley Phelps Roper, who is both the daughter of the pastor and one of the attorneys for the church, said that America, and Minnesota especially, have alienated God by its tolerance for homosexuality, and that the bridge collapse was an act of God's vengeance. She said:

"The bridge stood in place by the word of God and it fell by the word of God...Each of these little events is just a harbinger of the coming destruction of this American experiment. We are delivering the final call of the doomed nation." [Link]

Members of the church often hold signs that say, "Thank God for 9/11," "America is doomed," and "God hates (gays)." (They use an epithet for homosexual that's also part of their website's domain name.)

The surprising thing is that Phelps and his followers don't appear to be under the influence of any drugs, though you have to wonder what's in those Communion cups.

The good thing about belonging to such a group, if you ever happen to commit a crime, your lawyer will have no trouble proving insanity.

Phelps believes he's going to heaven one day. But if people who act like him are in heaven, it really can't be called "heaven" anymore, can it?

When your harvest begins to squirm

My wife, Malathi, and I have been growing broccoli this summer, as well as several other vegetables, and yesterday we had our first harvest, filling a bowl with some succulent green worms.

It was early evening and I returned from the garden with a floret of broccoli, a tomato, a green pepper and a hot pepper. It wasn't much of a havest, but I proudly took it to the living room to show Malathi and the kids. Everyone was excited about the broccoli -- the kids like broccoli and Malathi likes anything that's green. Well, almost anything. Moments after tasting a little broccoli and raving about it, she screamed, "Worms! It's got worms!"

She counted three worms at first, then recruited me to complete the census. Using a pencil and some vinegar, I counted 15 worms, six adults and nine children. All seemed to be doing well, economically speaking. My census survey revealed that they were all green, all employed, and all native-born, except for one shady character who wriggled in from the neighboring plant.

Oh, another thing: the worms said they love organic gardeners. "They treat us well," one worm said. "They don't spray anything on us. Sometimes they even give us a ride to the grocery store."

Couple names their son 'Superman!' 4Real!

Friends of mine who lived in Zambia often joke about the names some people give their children, not the traditional ones -- every culture has names that people of other cultures may find strange -- but the ones derived from English words, such as "Motorcar" and "Paraffin." Mwizenge S. Tembo, a sociology professor at Bridgewater College in Virginia, wrote about this a few years ago:

What if you heard about or actually knew someone whose real first name was Because, Clever, Shame, Financial, or Trouble? You would probably conclude that these are nicknames, imposed somehow on unwilling individuals. Or perhaps the names were chosen by people who did not know English and were therefore ignorant of the words' true meanings. You might even be tempted to think that they were imposed by callous parents who wanted their children to be easy targets for teasing on school playgrounds. All these assumptions would be wrong.
       
Such unusual, strange, or outright funny first names are willingly chosen, cherished, and celebrated among most people of the southern African country of Zambia. Why do Zambians accept these names? This is one of the many consequences of social change both in Zambia and Africa as a whole. [Link]

Finding a good name for a baby isn't always easy, as I wrote in my column Can't Stop Fighting Over Baby Names. Some couples try to be too original, which often backfires (no offense to Backfire Tembo). My parents gave me the middle name Singstone, which, my mother says, was a combination of her elder brother's name Rajasingh and Livingstone (the Scottish missionary). Singstone isn't a name I'm proud of, but I guess I shouldn't complain. They could have called me Livingraja.

Before settling on a name for your baby, you have to remind yourself that he or she is going to be an adult one day and will have to live with that name for a long time. (Yes, even after he's dead, your son's name might appear on a tombstone: "Here lies Clearance Sale Banda.") If you think about that, perhaps you'll resist the temptation to be as "creative" as Pat and Sheena Wheaton of New Zealand, who named their son Superman, but only after their original choice, 4Real, was rejected by the government registry. 4Real!

Mr Wheaton said he came up with the unlikely moniker after seeing the baby for the first time in an ultrasound scan and realising their baby was "for real".

However, the family has refused to let the law or good taste get in the way of their choice, insisting they will continue to refer to their two-month-old son as 4Real.

In the meantime they plan to officially name him Superman.

"No matter what, its going to stay 4Real," Mr Wheaton told the New Zealand Herald newspaper, "I'm certainly not a quitter". [Link]

The linked article includes a list of wacky names celebrities have given their babies, including Jermajesty (Son of Singer Jermaine Jackson), Kal-el Coppola (Son of actor Nicolas Cage), and Pilot Inspektor (Son of actress Beth Riesgraf and actor Jason Lee).

Come to think of it, Singstone isn't too bad.

Stay away from me, honey, we'll get some money

Every now and then, you hear about some new scheme in India to control the population, such as making TVs cheaper so couples have another way to entertain themselves at night and putting a hard-hitting slogan on billboards: "Don't have a son -- have a Sony."

Now comes a scheme in one Maharashtra district that rewards couples who wait a few years before having children. The district health officer, VH Mohite, calls it the "second honeymoon package":

"If the couple postpones the first pregnancy by two years, then the couple will be getting 5,000 rupees ($125, £60) as a cash incentive, or a second honeymoon.

"And if the couple postpones their first pregnancy by three years, then the couple will get 7,500 rupees ($190, £90) as a cash incentive."

It is not just the money.

Couples who enlist in the scheme will also be provided with marriage counselling, free contraceptives and, when the time comes, advice on childcare. [Link]

That's a pretty good incentive. Our daughter Lekha was born 20 months after our wedding. For $125, I could have made it happen four months later. Wait, who am I kidding? I wasn't in control of anything. Things just happened: one moment I was in the living room watching TV while my wife went to the bedroom to slip into something more comfortable, the next moment I was changing a diaper.

Would you want the necklace back?

A thief in Kolkata, India, named Sheikh Mohsin snatched a Rs. 45,000 ($1,115) gold necklace from a woman and, as police were about to apprehend him, swallowed it. So what did the cops do?

Officers then fed him 40 bananas over a few hours believing they would act as a purgative, and sat back and waited for results.

Mohsin passed an uncomfortable night in jail, but not the piece of jewelry. [Link]

Not even some golden bananas. The determined police decided to feed him something more substantial: chicken, rice and bread. That did the trick, undoubtedly earning Mohsin a reputation in jail: "The man whose poop is gold."

Was the necklace returned to its owner? Presumably so. I'm sure she was excited to have it back.

Woman: "My necklace!Thank you! How did you get it?"

Cop: "We caught the thief and he ... uh ... passed it back to us."

Adopting more knowledge about Africa

Two American teens, Carly and Jenny, were quizzing each other about Africa.

Carly: "Which country did Angelina Jolie adopt her daughter Sahara from?

Jenny: "Ethiopia. Everyone knows that."

Carly: "Yeah, that was too easy. Okay, your turn."

Jenny: "In which country did Angelina give birth to her daughter Shiloh?"

Carly: "Namibia of course!"

Jenny: "Yeah, that was easy too. Okay, your turn."

Carly: "From which country is Madonna trying to adopt David Banda?"

Jenny: "Malawi. I could have answered that in my sleep."

Carly: "Okay, let me think of something else. Which country is Nelson Mandela from?"

Jenny: "Nelson who?"

Carly: "Mandela."

Jenny: "Who's that?"

Carly: "I'm not sure. Some old guy who was on Oprah when she visited South Africa."

The hottest chili pepper in the world

It shouldn't surprise you that the hottest chili pepper in the world, as verified by scientists and recognized by the Guinness World Records, is from India. It's grown in the northeast state of Assam. Tim Sullivan of the Associated Press recently traveled there to write about the pepper, known as the "bhut jolokia" or "ghost chili."

If you think you've had a hotter chili pepper, you're wrong. The smallest morsels can flavor a sauce so intensely it's barely edible. Eating a raw sliver causes watering eyes and a runny nose. An entire chile is an all-out assault on the senses, akin to swigging a cocktail of battery acid and glass shards.

For generations, though, it's been loved in India's northeast, eaten as a spice, a cure for stomach troubles and, seemingly paradoxically, a way to fight the crippling summer heat. [Link]

It could also be used to fight enemies. Forget about nuclear weapons. India should be loading its missiles with bhut jolokia.

A chili's spiciness can be scientifically measured by calculating its content of capsaicin, the chemical that gives a pepper its bite, and counting its Scoville units.

And how hot is the bhut jolokia?

As a way of comparison: Classic Tabasco sauce ranges from 2,500 to 5,000 Scoville units. Your basic jalapeño pepper measures anywhere from 2,500 to 8,000. The previous record holder, the Red Savina habanero, was tested at up to 580,000 Scovilles.

The bhut jolokia crushed those contenders, testing at 1,001,304 Scoville units. [Link]

India should market itself as a country of hotness: hot peppers, hot weather, hot women ...

Journalists often risk their lives to report the news, going to war-ravaged countries like Iraq and Afghanistan, confronting tyrants and terrorists. But few are as committed to their profession as Tim Sullivan, who did something no other journalist has done: he ate an entire bhut jolokia.

My eyes watered uncontrollably and my nose ran. I felt like I was gargling with acid. My hands quivered. As the minutes passed, the pain grew worse.

I shoveled in yogurt: No relief. I chewed bread: Nothing. My head felt like it was expanding. My ears felt as if hot liquid was draining from them. Picture one of those old Tom and Jerry cartoons, with steam blasting from Tom's ears as a train whistle blows. That was me.The experts say beer and water do no good at such times. Maybe that's true, but gulps of very cold beer were the only things that helped me, washing away the pain for a few blessed seconds.[Link]

Give the man a medal of honor. Better yet, give him another beer.

Simpsons movie helps Kenyans carve out a living

I'm always seeing products from Asia in North American stores, but none from Africa, aside from the occasional food item from South Africa. So I was happy to read that a group of carvers in Kenya are producing soapstone carvings of The Simpsons and that Twentieth Century Fox designated the carvings as official merchandise.

The Tabaka Classic Carvers are licensed to produce 12 models of the show's characters, and they are keen to expand their portfolio. Pauline Kemunto and her husband work with the Simpsons team in Tabaka; he carves the figures and she smoothes the soapstone afterwards "I don't know who they are," she says about the dysfunctional cartoon family. "But I like them because I earn from them." [Link]

She could probably say the same thing about the people buying the carvings. They live in countries like the U.S., Britain and Italy, and probably have no idea how much effort goes into each carving and how much more money they're able to make, even just flipping burgers at McDonald's.

The famous figurines are about to go on sale in the UK at the Craft Village UK, priced at about $40. Mr Young says 30% of this goes to Kenya, not just to the carvers but to pay for the print work, quality control and packaging. [Link]

That means that for each carving, which takes about two days to complete, less than $12 goes into the pocket of the carver. On western standards, that doesn't seem like a lot of money, but it puts food on the table for carvers like Enosh Onsombi and his eight children. And it also gives them pride, for they're supporting themselves and practicing their craft, even if it means spending an entire afternoon on Marge's hair.

Enosh: "This woman, look at her hair. It's taller than Mount Kilimanjaro."

Mayaka: "It looks like her hair is braided. Is she African?"

Enosh: "No, I don't think so. African women don't have such big eyes!"

Mayaka: "Oh, you should have seen my wife's eyes when I gave her a gold necklace. She asked me where I got the money. I said I've been carving The Simpsons. She said, 'Who are they?' I said, 'I don't know, but the boss told me they're a good family, no relation to that scoundrel O.J."