FunnyColumns

Column: In search of America on a world map

In the final round of the recent Miss Teen USA 2007 pageant, Lauren Upton –- better known as Miss Teen South Carolina –- was asked this question: "Recent polls have shown a fifth of Americans can't locate the U.S. on a world map. Why do you think this is?"

Upton paused briefly, then proceeded to give a most revealing answer, part of which sounded like this: “I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some ... people out there in our nation don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and, uh, the Iraq everywhere like, such as and ...”

When I heard that “a fifth of Americans can’t locate the U.S. on a world map,” I was really surprised, because I didn’t realize that four-fifths CAN. I decided to conduct my own survey to see if this was true, using a map with all the names deleted. To make sure my survey was scientific, I questioned only randomly selected people, both men and women, from all over Lauren Upton’s hometown.

Me: “Excuse me, mister, can you show me where America is on this world map.”

Young man (pointing): “Yeah, of course I can. There it is.”

Me: “Uh … actually, that’s Iraq.”

Mrs. Iowa, saved by Mrs. Tennessee, doing fine, writes Mrs. Idaho

I recently made fun of one beauty pageant contestant, so it's only fair that I give props to another, the fast-acting Mrs. Iowa, who, I'm sure, knows how to find America on a world map.

Mrs. Tennessee was bitten by a rattlesnake on the way to rehearsals for the Mrs. America pageant — and was treated on the scene by one of her competitors for the crown, Mrs. Iowa.

Christina Ryan, 28, was leaving a breakfast Sunday at the Loews Ventana Canyon Hotel in Tucson, Ariz., when the wily serpent — coiled at the bottom of some concrete steps — struck, biting her on the foot, according to The Tennessean newspaper. [LInk]

Wily serpent indeed. We can only imagine how long he had been planning this attack. I'm sure investigators are doing a background check on him, making sure he and Mrs. Tennessee didn't have any sort of prior relationship.

Luckily, Mrs. Iowa — nurse Taryn Schuyler, 30 — was with her and was able to extract the snake’s fang from Ryan’s skin.

“I guess he bit me and let go,” Ryan told The Tennessean. “I ran up the stairs and became totally hysterical … It hurt worse than childbirth.” [LInk]

Worse than childbirth? I didn't know that anything was worse than childbirth, other than perhaps listening to Roseanne sing.

Don't push the buttons on the elevator

Today's lesson in religion comes from Broward County, Florida, where the board of a four-story condominium building is about to spend $11,000 to make the elevator automatically stop at all floors on the Jewish Sabbath -- Friday evening to Saturday evening -- so that the condo owners, most of whom are Orthodox Jews, don't have to push any buttons.

But two of the owners, who are also Jewish, are angry their money will be used for a religious accommodation.

"I respect their desires, but why does the building have to pay for this?" asked snowbird Nicki Goldstein, 69, from her New York City home.

By law, however, everyone who buys in a condo community agrees to submit to the will of the majority. About 85 percent of the owners are Orthodox. On the Sabbath, they are not allowed to do anything that would create energy, such as drive a car, turn on a light or push an elevator button. [Link]

They're not allowed to push an elevator button on the Sabbath (or Shabbat), but apparently it's okay to ride the elevator. What they need is one of those voice-operated, talking elevators.

Resident: "Fourth floor, please."

Elevator: "Shabbat Shalom!"

Resident: "Shabbat Shalom to you too. Now get moving. I don't have all day."

Elevator (muttering to itself): "Oy vey! I can't stand some of these residents. They really know how to push my buttons."

Wikipedia has an entry on the "39 categories of activity prohibited on Shabbat," a list from the ancient Talmud that includes planting, plowing and reaping. I don't see anything related to using elevators, but "transferring between domains" is definitely prohibited, which means, of course, that Orthodox Jews have to stay off the Internet.

A statue for a statesman

It warmed my heart to hear that a statue of Nelson Mandela was just unveiled in London's Parliament Square. I consider him the greatest leader of this era. I don't know if anyone even comes close (put your hand down, Fidel). He is the Gandhi of our time and we should be throwing away our Beyoncé  tickets and lining up to see him.

Talking to crowds who gathered for the unveiling, Mr Mandela said: "Though this statue is of one man, it should in actual fact symbolise all of those who have resisted oppression, especially in my country." [Link]

Few people resisted like he did. He spent 27 years in prison. And even more inspiring was his policy of reconciliation when he came out. Elected South Africa's first black president in 1994, he stepped down after only one term, resisting the temptation to cling to power like so many leaders (put your hand up, Fidel).

"Long after we are forgotten, you will be remembered for having taught the world one amazing truth," said Mr Livingstone.(London's mayor)

"That you can achieve justice without vengeance.  I honour you and London honours you." [Link]

Every city in the world should honor him. Streets, schools and babies should be named after him. Boys should be named Nelson and girls should be named Nelsona. But that isn't enough. The whole galaxy should honor him. The moon should be renamed "Moondela" and the sun should be renamed "NelSun."

Please treat me like a dog

If you have a good life, be thankful. You could have been born in a part of the world where life is a struggle. You could have been born to a destitute family -- and scavenged for food as a child. You could have had a dog's life. But even some dogs are saying something similar. They're saying to each other, "Aren't we lucky? We could have had a human's life."

If behaviour therapists, designer outfits and gourmet food aren't enough to keep pampered pooches happy, owners can now try swimming lessons.

The class for puppies is one of the latest ways New Yorkers are pleasing their pets in a city famed for owners indulging their dogs.

"We teach them how to swim, how to get in the pool," said Stacy Alldredge, whose Manhattan dog spa houses the swim classes and pool, complete with built-in dog steps. [Link]

If those dogs feel lucky, they haven't seen Trouble. Trouble is one lucky pooch.

Leona Helmsley's dog will continue to live an opulent life, and then be buried alongside her in a mausoleum. But two of Helmsley's grandchildren got nothing from the late luxury hotelier and real estate billionaire's estate.

Helmsley left her beloved white Maltese, named Trouble, a $12 million trust fund, according to her will, which was made public Tuesday in surrogate court.[Link]

I wonder how those grandchildren feel. Perhaps they need to befriend Trouble. If they're lucky, she will remember them in her will.

When one wedding dress isn't enough

I'm always amazed how much couples (or their parents) spend on their wedding. Not only do they shell out thousands for food and drink, they also pay for dresses, flowers, favors, photographers, musicians, comedians, and, in some cases, Bill Clinton. Getting married these days is almost as costly as getting divorced. And the costs keep rising, not just because of inflation, but also because of people like Katie Holmes, who wore TWO dresses when she wed Tom Cruise. No, not at the same time.

Christi Vagnozzi, senior editor at The Knot, a wedding magazine and Web site, says celebrities influence bridal trends. She points to Toledo-born actress Katie Holmes, punk-pop singer Avril Lavigne, and crooner Christina Aguilera, all of whom wore two dresses at their weddings. Ms. Holmes, wed to actor Tom Cruise, went with two Armani designs. [Link]

So what's happening now? Ordinary women are feeling compelled to follow suit, apparently saying to themselves, "What a great idea! Five years from now, I'll have TWO dresses I can't fit into."

Tiffany Brazeau would like two dresses for her September, 2008, wedding. She wants one to be strapless, fitted, and a blush-pink shade.

“I go on The Knot [message board] all the time and a lot of girls talk about it,” says Ms. Brazeau, a manager at Atlas Bridal Shop. “I think I’m going to do something more fitted, along the lines of the mermaid style. I’m waiting to go to Las Vegas [to a bridal show] to see what’s coming up.” [Link]

But why stop at two dresses? Why not have three or four? One for the wedding, one for the reception, one for the limo ride, and one for the groom in the hotel room. (If he's the cross-dressing type.)

Heroine of the Week: Anonymous real-estate agent

She's an anonymous real-estate agent in Alameda County, California, and she did something that I find incredible: she set up a job interview for the man who had just raped her. No, this isn't a story of instant forgiveness -- it's a story of courage and ingenuity.

When the 47-year-old woman's alleged assailant showed up at a coffee shop the day after the attack for his job interview, sheriff's deputies took him into custody.

Howard Moore, 24, of San Leandro, was arrested on suspicion of rape, sheriff's Sgt. J.D. Nelson said.

The woman, who works as a real-estate agent, was showing a home in Alameda County to a prospective buyer Aug. 16 when the prospective buyer attacked her, Nelson said. He declined to say where the incident happened because that could identify the victim.[Link]

The alleged rapist probably thought he was quite smart, getting a real-estate agent to show him a house and then raping her. But she turned out to be far smarter than him.

During the attack, the woman started to befriend him "in attempt to gain his trust," Nelson said.

She told him she wasn't going to call the police and would try to help him, Nelson said. She even went as far as to promise to arrange a job interview for a security or bodyguard position for the man the following day, Nelson said.[Link]

I don't know what's more amazing: her courage or his stupidity. Did he really think she was going to set him up for a security or bodyguard position -- after he had choked, raped and robbed her? That's like Michael Vick interviewing for a position with PETA.

Americans fight for 'right to dry'

When I visited India a couple of years ago, I noticed that many middle-class families owned washing machines, but no dryers. Instead they used something called "The Sun." Apparently, "The Sun" is hot enough to dry clothes. All you have to do is hang them outside and "The Sun" does the rest. Wow, I thought, I wonder if  "The Sun" would dry clothes in America too.

Many Americans are wondering the same thing, realizing how much energy they can save by using "The Sun." Some are joining the 'right to dry' movement, fighting bans against clotheslines in many communities.

Vermont is the latest state to introduce a bill that would override clothesline bans, which are often instituted by community associations loath to air laundry even when it's clean. Now, clothesline restrictions may be headed the way of bans on parking pickup trucks in front of homes, or growing grass too long -- all vestiges of trim and tidy hopes that may not fit with the renewed emphasis on going green. [Link]

That pickup truck can really help you save energy, especially if you dry your underwear on the antenna.

Neem Active toothpaste, fortified with active bacteria

If you've never tried Neem Active Toothpaste with Calcium from India, well ... don't. At least not until its manufacturer proves to health authorities that it's safe to use. Health Canada has issued two warnings about the toothpaste, the latest one on Aug. 24.

OTTAWA - Further to the Health Canada warning issued July 26, 2007, further testing on Neem Active Toothpaste with Calcium, manufactured by Calcutta Chemical Co. Ltd in India, has revealed that in addition to unacceptable levels of diethylene glycol (DEG), the product also contains high levels of harmful bacteria. This poses additional significant health risks, especially to children and individuals with compromised immune systems. [SAJAForum]

In case you're wondering, "DEG is a poisonous chemical used in antifreeze and as a solvent. It may cause nausea, abdominal pain, dizziness, urinary problems, kidney failure, breathing problems, lethargy, convulsions, coma and even death when ingested." But on the bright side, you won't be worried about cavities.

Humanfighting just as bad as dogfighting

Michael Vick, quarterback of the Atlanta Falcons, has finally pled guilty to federal dogfighting charges and now awaits what should be a well-deserved prison sentence. It still amazes me how he thought he could get away with his cruel deeds -- even after the case came to light. Did he think he could evade the law as easily as he evades defensive ends and linebackers? Then again, the promoters of humanfighting are just as callous and just as arrogant -- and I'm not talking about Don King and his ilk. Professional boxers get paid handsomely, even if the sport leaves many of them quite unhandsome. The typical soldier, on the other hand, comes from a poor family and is lured into the military by wages and incentives that wouldn't even pay for a night out for televangelist Benny Hinn.

At least 70,749 civilians are believed to have lost their lives as a result of the Iraq War -- and so have thousands of combatants on both sides. And let's not forget about the tens of thousands who have been severely injured -- some will never be able to walk again. The pain and anguish inflicted by the war is immeasurable. It just wasn't worth it, except of course to all the people who benefited financially from the humanfighting.

Some folks are calling for President Bush to be impeached, but I'm not in favor of that. I think Bush just needs to end the war as soon as possible and apologize to everyone. And serve a sentence at least as long as Michael Vick's.

Miss Teen South Carolina robbed of title

It was the final round of the Miss Teen USA 2007 pageant, only five contestants left. "This is the round of the competition that ultimately determines their fate," Host Mario Lopez said. "The make it or break it moment. The ladies will have to demonstrate their ability to answer a thought-provoking, final question."

Lauren Caitlin Upton, Miss Teen South Carolina, was first up and drew a question from judge Aimee Teegarden: "Recent polls have shown a fifth of Americans can't locate the U.S. on a world map. Why do you think this is?"

Upton licked her lips briefly, then proceeded to give the most brilliant answer in the history of beauty pageants: "I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some ... people out there in our nation don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and, uh, the Iraq everywhere like, such as and ... I believe that they should, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future for ..." [YouTube video]

What a great answer! I can't believe she didn't win. Her answer was superb for five reasons: (1) She used the term "U.S. Americans," acknowledging the existence of other North, Central and South Americans; (2) she explained why so many Americans can't locate the U.S. on a world map (they don't have maps); (3) she demonstrated that she can name countries in the rest of the world (South Africa and the Iraq); (4) she showed her concern for the rest of the world, stating that U.S. education should help South Africa, the Iraq and the Asian countries; and (5) she singlehandedly destroyed the stereotype of the dumb blonde.

Never too late to achieve some dreams

When you're my age, you love to think that you can still do things that young people do. While watching football on TV, you say to yourself, "Even I could have thrown that ball," knowing full well that the only thing you've been able to throw recently is a fit. When you read about some whiz kid who applied a mathematical principle to the field of astronomy and earned a Ph.D., you say to yourself, "Even I could have applied a mathematical principle," knowing full well that the only thing you've applied recently is Bengay.

Your confidence in your ability is boosted by the achievements of older people, folks like Queen star Brian May, who has just earned a Ph.D. in astronomy. It's not an honorary degree -- he has two of those -- but a real one, putting him well-ahead of celebrities like Shilpa Shetty in the intellect department.

The rock guitarist, who abandoned his studies to pursue a career in music, was told of his success after taking a three-hour exam to discuss his work.

The 60-year-old, who handed in his 48,000-word tome earlier this month, said: "You can call me Dr May!"

The musician will be officially handed his PhD from London's Imperial College at the Royal Albert Hall next spring. [Link]

Wow, 48,000 words! Shetty also produced 48,000 words to earn her degree, but they were all on the set of Big Brother.

Time to work on that upper face

Having trouble attracting women? Here's some advice: Put your head in a vise. With a compressed upper face, you'll have to beat off the women with a stick.

A recent study of the skulls of human ancestors and modern humans finds that women, and thereby, evolution, selected for males with relatively short upper faces. The region between the brow and the upper-lip is scrunched proportionately to the overall size of their heads.

Among the men who fit the bill: Will Smith and Brad Pitt.

In a past study, researchers found a similar facial pattern in chimpanzees, with males having relatively shorter and broader faces compared with females, controlling for body size. [Link]

Ah, that explains why my wife has no picture of me on the wall, but a rather large one of a chimp.

I can just see it now: Somebody's going to be selling a facial scrunching exercise video: "Guys, do you want to be more attractive to women? Let me show you how. It takes only five minutes a day. Just stand in front of a mirror and try to touch your eyebrows with your upper lip. Trust me, it has worked for Will Smith, Brad Pitt and Chippy the Chimpanzee -- and it can work for you too."

When teachers act like gangsters

During my schooldays, I endured a number of canings and pinchings at the hands of teachers and principals, both in Zambia and India. I vividly remember my entire Form 3 (Grade 10) class being caned in Ndola, Zambia, because we were making too much noise. My butt was sore for days -- and striped for even longer. I also remember being pinched so hard at a Seventh Day Adventist school in Madurai, India, that part of my arm turned green and my eyes saw red.

Corporal punishment has thankfully been eradicated in some countries, including Canada, but it's still prevalent in many others, including India, where one poor girl in Bangalore was recently attacked by five gangsters posing as teachers.

In a gruesome incident, an 11-year-old VIth standard girl student of a City school was allegedly beaten black-and-blue by her teachers resulting in grievous injuries. Reason? For not doing her homework. Worse, the teachers who beat her up are themselves women. [Link]

Females beating another female? I'm in total shock. Were they taking testosterone or something?

If your marriage fails, don't hang out

What happens if your marriage goes sour but you can't afford to move into a place of your own? It's not a question I ponder often, but two recent stories have made me think about it. Steven Graham, a 55-year-old man in Pittsburg, Kansas, has been living in his car for seven years, much to his neighbors dismay.

“Every day he’s out there, he never goes into the house,” Kenny Waring said. “He sleeps out there, he eats out there, he watches TV, he plays guitar... . Everything that you do in your house, he does out there.”

Graham acknowledged that he does watch TV, listens to music and at times sleeps in the vehicle year-round, but stopped short of saying he lived in it.

“I’m living anywhere I’m at,” he said, pointing to the chair he was sitting in outside the home. “I’m living right here, right now.”

The car, a blue 1989 Buick Century, is parked on a concrete slab in the back yard of Graham’s property. A large, blue tarp covers about three-quarters of the vehicle, including the entire back window and license plate. The tarp is secured with bricks and cinder blocks.

An extension cord runs from the house to the car, providing power for a 13-inch TV that rests in the passenger seat, an oscillating fan and a radio. [Link]

A car, a TV and a radio. What more does a man need to be happy?

Illegal to be gay in Uganda

Homosexuality is against the law in many parts of the world, including India and most African countries. In Uganda, it carries a maximum punishment of life imprisonment and 95 percent of Ugandans seem to like it that way. Katherine Roubos, a 22-year-old from Minnesota, has been writing about gay issues in the East African country while interning at the Daily Monitor. In a recent piece, several gays and lesbians described their struggles to her. One 30-year-old man said he once thought he would "grow out of it," but has come to accept his homosexuality.

I am hiding, constantly wondering who is watching, afraid of accusations, but on the other side, I am happy because I have a community and I am following my heart. I have been with my partner seven years and we are very much in love.
When the people talk about gays and lesbians they run directly to talk about sex. But it is love between us, not just sex. When we are together, we are happy, just like a newly married couple would be. We trust and love each other.

I am very religious, but it is hard for me to go to church because I don’t feel safe there. But I was created by God, created like this; God did not make me wrong.
[Link]

He feels unsafe in church! Where's he supposed to go to feel safe -- the dark alley behind the bar?

The benefits of eating a guava

Growing up in Zambia, I ate tons of guavas. Guava trees were seemingly everywhere and I'd often eat the fruit right off the tree, then spend the next hour or so picking the seeds out of my teeth. Some guavas were overripe and I had to be careful not to chomp on them too quickly, lest I get some extra protein in the form of worms. But most were tasty, nutritious and worm-free.

Unfortunately, guavas aren't popular in North America, except among immigrants. If you find them in a grocery store, it's probably an ethnic one, a Chinese or Indian store where you might find them labeled as "Gwawas."

But guavas might be gaining some respect, at least in health circles. An article from Men's Health magazine lists the "obscure tropical fruit" as one of "The 10 best foods you aren't eating."

Why it's healthy: Guava has a higher concentration of lycopene--an antioxidant that fights prostate cancer--than any other plant food, including tomatoes and watermelon. In addition, 1 cup of the stuff provides 688 milligrams (mg) of potassium, which is 63 percent more than you'll find in a medium banana. And guava may be the ultimate high-fiber food: There's almost 9 grams (g) of fiber in every cup. [Link]

I knew it! As I always said to the other kids in Zambia, "Guavas are loaded with lycopene!"

How to eat it: Down the entire fruit, from the rind to the seeds. It's all edible--and nutritious. The rind alone has more vitamin C than you'd find in the flesh of an orange. You can score guava in the produce section of higher-end supermarkets or in Latin grocery stores. [Link]

Latin grocery stores? I'm going to have to brush up on my Latin. I'll do anything to score some guava.

Virgin power in Zambia

Here are a few AIDS-prevention posters being used in Zambia. Some urge youths to abstain from sex, others promote condom use, a few try to do both.

 

I'm not sure what the first woman is saying, but the second is saying, "Stop hugging and start walking!" and the third is saying, "Leave me alone!" I like the idea of "Virgin Power, Virgin Pride." In the western world, the only people who seem to  exhibit "Virgin Power, Virgin Pride" are the ones who work for Virgin Airways.

 

 

 

 

 

You'd better use it when there isn't love too!

Flatulence and other struggles of a soldier

Being a soldier isn't easy. You have to face bombs and bullets. And even when you're not in combat, danger lurks nearby, ready to pounce on you whenever you open a package of military food.

American soldiers often have to endure Meals, Ready-to-Eat (MREs), packages of food that are made to last three years and don't require much preparation. According to The Smoking Gun, soldiers will be treated to a new line of MREs next year, developed partly from the feedback of 400 soldiers at Fort Greeley in Alaska. The comments below, from different soldiers, reveal just how tasty MREs are:

I believe it was the dinner meal (chicken and dumplings) that caused this, but it sounded like a flatulence symphony in my tent all night.

The "doughnut" is just a fudge brownie in a circle with crappy "frosting." What are you trying to pull?

This meal sucked! Do you even try this crap before you give it to us?

Oh my God, what were you thinking? Why stuffed cabbage? Wow, it was horrible. I wanted to die. ... Don't ever give stuffed cabbage to a soldier again. Even POW's deserve better.

This new menu has me using the latrine 3x day.

Dairy shake tasted like medicine, please do not punish soldiers with that anymore.

The enchilada was a gift that keeps on giving: heartburn, indigestion, large amounts of gas.

Seventy-eight isn't enough

Remember the show Eight is Enough? Well, for one father in the United Arab Emirates, 78 isn't enough. He hopes to hit 100 by 2015.

Daad Mohammed Murad Abdul Rahman, 60, has already had 15 brides although he has to divorce them as he goes along to remain within the legal limit of four wives at a time.

"In 2015 I will be 68 years old and will have 100 children," the local tabloid quoted Abdul Rahman as saying.

"After that I will stop marrying. I have to have at least three more marriages to hit the century." [Link]

Poor guy -- he's allowed to have only four wives at a time. Otherwise he could have hit the century mark years ago. He could have married 100 women and gotten them all pregnant around the same time. Half of them on Tuesday, the other half on Wednesday.