FunnyColumns

Ernie Stripe, Class of '32, Still Going Strong

Congratulations to Ernestine "Ernie" Stripe, a loyal reader from San Clemente, California, who recently attended her 75th high school class reunion in Chambersburg, Pennsylvania. The photo shows Ernie, who is 92 years young, and her husband, Ralph, standing in front of the office building that used to be Chambersburg Senior High School. They're holding a copy of their local Sun Post News, so they could appear in the paper's Where in the World? feature. Apparently, attending your 75th high school reunion isn't newsworthy enough -- you have to be holding the darn paper.

The class reunion did make the news in Chambersburg, where Tracy Panzer of Public Opinion (my former newspaper) wrote about Ernie's enduring friendship with her classmate Pam Erickson.

Erickson, of Chambersburg, and Stripe, a California resident, were among the 10 Class of '32 graduates who gathered Monday for the reunion. The classmates talked about days gone by, shared a meal and cake, and sang the class song, "Senior Chantey." They donned corsages and boutonniere provided by All Occasion Florists.

It was the first time many have seen or talked to their classmates in years.

Not so for Erickson and Stripe, who communicate nearly every day via e-mail.

"I laughed because I hardly have gotten any e-mails since Ernie got into town," Erickson said. [Link]

Two 92-year-olds emailing each other almost every day -- that's what's great about the Internet. If you're wondering what they write to each other about, it's just the usual stuff: which tunes to download to their iPods and whether to buy an iPhone.

I'd like my rat well-done please

Don't tell PETA, but rats are being caught in central China and hauled to the southern province of Guangdong, where they end up on plates in restaurants. According to a Reuters article, people in Guangdong are "reputed to eat anything that moves," which may explain why children are reluctant to play outdoors with their remote-control cars.

Some vendors, who declined to reveal their names, had asked people from a village in Hunan province, near Dongting Lake, to sell them live rats, the Beijing News said Monday. ... Some Guangdong restaurants were promoting "rat banquets," charging 136 yuan ($18) for one kg of rat meat, the newspaper said. [Link]

Rat banquets? I know someone who would find that extremely enticing, but he happens to be a cat. As for me, I'm just not very adventurous when it comes to food. Even crabs and lobsters don't appeal to me -- I'd sooner eat my shoe. It's all what you're used to, of course. If I grew up eating rats, then I'd probably be setting traps all over my house. It's always nice when the food comes to you. (I haven't seen any rats in my house yet, but you never know. That reminds me of the big rat I saw while visiting my in-laws in Chennai, India. It came through a window and gave me quite a scare. Forget about trying to eat it -- I thought it was going to eat ME!)

Incidentally, rats are eaten in Thailand too, as artist Marshall Astor describes in his blog.

It’s a white meat, and the legs were really tasty - every other part of the rat really requires some serious work to get at the meat. Regardless of any nervousness I might have had about eating the rats after the long anticipation (It was like 2 AM by the time we ate), I really enjoyed it. It was new, and sometimes in my post-Thailand existence, I get cravings for the gamey flavour of one of these guys. [Link]

Cravings for rats? Better head to Taco Bell.

Tintin meets the 21st century

As a child, I loved Tintin and his adventures. If I could get my hands on a book, I'd read it dozens of times. What can I say -- it was as entertaining as Scooby Doo.

Even as an adult, when I've lost interest in Scooby, I can still enjoy Tintin. In fact, I took a couple out of the library not long ago and it was almost like old times, except I didn't hear a voice from the kitchen saying, "Melvin, have you finished your homework?" (The question would usually be in Tamil, of course.)

But Tintin, for all its merits, does fall short in one major area: its portrayal of Africans and other blacks. The drawings themselves make me uncomfortable. I'm not surprised that the Commission on Racial Equality in Britain wants to see at least one book, Tintin in the Congo, pulled from stores. A CRE spokeswoman told BBC News that the book contained "words of hideous racial prejudice, where the 'savage natives' look like monkeys and talk like imbeciles". I'm not familiar with this particular book, but there's got to be a scene in which Tintin or some other white person is being cooked in a big pot, while the natives dance around it with joy. I grew up in Zambia, not far from the Congo, and I don't recall any white people being cooked, though a few of my school friends did think the young British teacher looked "yummy."

Bookstore chains Borders and Waterstones have moved Tintin in the Congo to their adult section.

Borders said they are committed to let their "customers make the choice". The store's spokesman added: "Naturally, some of the thousands of books and music selections we carry could be considered controversial or objectionable depending on individual political views, tastes and interests."
A Waterstones spokesman said: "We have reviewed the title's situation and are moving it away from the other Tintin titles into the graphic novel section."
[Link]

I suppose they'd also be eager to carry 100 Reasons to Love Hitler and Chicken Soup for the Racist's Soul. Perhaps they need a new shelf in the gardening section called "Bigo Tree."

This reminds me, of course, of the controversy surrounding Apu of The Simpsons. Many people find him offensive. As for me, I'm usually laughing too hard to be offended.

Just for the hell of it

An Australian boy was denied admission to a Catholic school because his last name is "Hell" and school officials want to be as far away from that as possible.

The youngster's dad, 45-year-old Alex Hell, has expressed outrage after the primary school in the southern city of Melbourne allegedly refused to admit his son, Max.
"We are victims of our name," said Hell, whose name is of Austrian origin.
"We're quite devastated by the whole thing," the Catholic father of three told the Australian Associated Press. "It's 2007, not 1407 -- it's not the Dark Ages." [Link]

...

It was the spring of 1407 and Principal Michael was enrolling children at St. Paul's Holy School for Little Angels.

Principal: "Good mornin' to ya. I see you've brought your little boy for school. What's the lad's name?"

Father: "Hell."

Principal: "I beg ya pardon?"

Father: "Hell. His name's Hell. That's his last name."

Principal (shaking head): "What's his first name?"

Father: "Goto."

Principal: "Goto Hell? Is this some kind of joke?"

Father: "No, we're from the old country. 'Goto' and 'Hell' are common names in the old country."

Principal: "Well, you'd better take the lad back to the old country, otherwise we might have to lock him up in our dungeon. Who's next?"

Mother: "It's me, Principal Michael. I brought my little girl for school."

Principal: "Wonderful! What's her name?"

Mother: "Jenny. That's her first name"

Principal: "Beautiful name. What's her last name?"

Mother: "Tailya."

Principal: "Jenny Tailya? Is this some kind of joke? Get out of here before I wring your neck. Who's next?"

Father: "It's me, Principal Michael. I've brought my little girl for school."

Principal: "Wonderful! What's her name?"

Father: "Ho. That's her first name. We adopted her from China."

Principal (shakes head): "Ho? What's her last name?"

Father: "Ness. That's our family name."

Principal (still shaking head): "Ho Ness. I don't think I can enroll her with a name like 'Ho.'"

Father: "We usually use her middle name too. It's Lee."

Principal (smiling): "Lee? Wonderful! Welcome to your new school, Ho Lee Ness!"

Do men talk as much as women?

Research has found that men are just as talkative as women, that it's a myth that for every word that comes out a man's mouth, three come out of a woman's.

A collection of six studies involving nearly 400 people -- most of them U.S. and Mexican psychology students fitted with microphones and recorders for up to 10 days -- found no significant gender difference in the number of words they uttered.
"Both men and women on average spoke about 16,000 words per day," said James W. Pennebaker, professor and chairman of psychology at the University of Texas at Austin. [Link]

My wife, Malathi, and I also average about 16,000 words a day. That's a total of 32,000 words -- 28,000 from her mouth, 4,000 from mine. Just ask her. She'll tell you. She'd love to tell you.

When you live with a talkative women, you have to be careful what questions you ask.

Me: "Honey, shall I make some tea?"

Wife: "Sure, but can you make it with Darjeeling tea, not those Lipton bags. I think it tastes better. Did I ever tell you the story of Darjeeling? Darjeeling is in West Bengal. I don't know if you know this, but the name 'Darjeeling' comes from the Tibetan words Dorje, meaning 'thunderbolt,' and ling, meaning 'place,' which translates to 'The land of the thunderbolt.' It was back in 1841 that the British created experimental tea plantations in Darjeeling. Their experiments were successful and ..."

Me: "Uh, honey, maybe I should just make coffee instead."

Wife: "I'd like decaf, please. Did you know that a cup of coffee has 80–140 milligrams of caffeine. Well, it actually depends on the type of bean and method of roasting and preparation. Back in the 9th century, when coffee first appeared ..."

Me: "Juice. I think I'll get us some juice."