Nshima & Curry

Computer programmer busted for in-flight entertainment

I'm not sure what in-flight entertainment SouthWest Airlines offers, but it apparently wasn't enough for Murali Krishna Nookella, a Delaware computer programmer heading to a conference in Denver. Now he finds himself banned from commercial flights, all because he couldn't wait until the plane landed and he got to his hotel room. (Via UberDesi)

According to court papers, Nookella was sitting in a window seat and chatted up the woman in the middle seat during the first part of the flight until she put on headphones and turned away to focus on her computer.

The passenger reported Nookella tried to read her e-mail over her shoulder and, after she shot him a look, pulled a blanket up over his waist and closed his eyes. She then saw motion under the blanket, the papers say. [Delaware Online]

His motion put her in motion: she looked for another seat.

When she turned back, she saw him exposed and made eye contact, according to the criminal complaint.

"You caught me," he allegedly said, to which the woman responded, "Yeah, I did."

Nookella, 35, moved to a different seat in the back of the plane and the woman reported the incident to a flight attendant. Law enforcement officials met Nookella as he departed the flight

"This was not a typical flight on Southwest Airlines," Assistant U.S. Attorney James Allison said Thursday. [Link]

Yes, it wasn't a typical flight. So you can relax, ladies. No need to keep an eye on the guy next to you with a blanket up to his waist. But if you happen to see some motion, you'd better alert the authorities. After all, he could be smuggling lizards in his underwear, trying to detonate some explosives or, even worse, picturing you with no clothes on.

Funniest headlines of all time

It isn't easy being a headline writer. Under deadline pressure, you sum up a complex article in a few words, make it fit perfectly and feel extremely proud of yourself. Then you show up at work the next day and wonder why there are coffee stains on all the monitors in the newsroom. 

The Huffington Post has tracked down 16 of the funniest headlines of all time. Here are four of my favorites:

 

 

Check out the other headlines at HuffPo.

Unsung heroes of the Winter Games

Picture this: A Pakistani skier is hurtling down the slopes at the Winter Olympics in Vancouver. “Come on, Muhammad, you can do it,” he says to himself. “Make your country proud.” A gold medal would be terrific and so would a silver or bronze, but Muhammad Abbas is a realistic man and knows it would be a great achievement, as the first Pakistani to ever compete in the Winter Olympics, just to finish the course ahead of the skier from India.

Abbas, 24, completed the two runs of the giant slalom in 79th place, about 43 seconds slower than the winner, Carlo Janko of Switzerland, but 14 seconds faster than India’s Jamyang Namgial, earning him a ticker-tape parade down the streets of Karachi. Perhaps even a date with Ayesha Gilani, Miss Pakistan World.

I’m not sure if Abbas was actually excited about finishing ahead of Namgial. Reporters didn’t get a chance to interview him, as he was busy carving the words “Pakistan Power” in the snow.

Namgial, one of three Winter Olympians from India, was last among skiers who completed the giant slalom. But he has plenty to be proud of. Not only did he make it to the bottom of the hill, he crossed the finish line with his entire head above the snow.

Yes, he didn’t fall on his face, sprain his ankle or suffer some other leg injury, like so many skiers who found themselves hobbling around Olympic Village on crutches, prompting one enterprising photographer to open a booth with a sign that said: “Get your Winter ‘Oh Limp’ Pics here!”

Just qualifying for the Winter Olympics was a major achievement for Namgial and cross-country skier Tashi Lundup. The Indian government doesn’t invest much money in winter sports, just a few million rupees or so, barely enough to cover the cost of importing snow from Russia.

Actually India does get some flakes in the northern regions –- and not just when the backpackers run their fingers through their hair. But with little financial support and inadequate equipment, it was quite a challenge for Namgial to learn to ski. If you don’t believe me, just try coming down a mountain slope with two cricket bats glued to your shoes.

Namgial deserves our admiration, as do the other Winter Olympians from warm-weather countries, athletes such as Kwame Nkrumah-Acheampong of Ghana, Leyti Seck of Senegal and Robel Teklemariam of Ethiopia. Not only do they have little, if any, snow in their native countries, people think they’re crazy when they pour dried potato flakes down a hill.

Friend: “Hey man, why you wasting all this food?”

Athlete: “I’m not wasting it. I’m pretending it’s snow. The Ministry of Sports bought it for me.”

Friend: “You better not let them see you. I don’t think they knew what you meant when you asked them for training food.”

For Skiwell Phiri of Zambia, going to the Winter Olympics was an experience he’ll be telling his grandchildren about. I’m so glad he shared it with us through Twitter:

---“Just arrived in Vancouver. It’s so white over here -– and I’m not talkin bout the people.”

---“Brrrr … It’s freezin outside. I don’t know what’s crazier –- me coming here or Canadians complaining about global warming.”

---“Does anyone know if it’s safe to defrost my brain in the microwave?”

---“Whose idea was it to have the Winter Olympics in such a cold country anyway?”

---“I just met the Olympians from Ghana, Senegal and Ethiopia. They were in the main lounge of Olympic Village, huddled around the fireplace.”

---“It’s time to go home. I enjoyed the Winter Olympics, despite the weather. Maybe next time I’ll come as a competitor.”

Oh, the life of an Olympian

It must be nice to be an Olympian, especially if you're one of just three athletes representing a country of a billion-plus people at the Winter Games. Shiva Keshavan, Jamyang Nangial and Tashi Lundup must feel like kings, what with the Indian sports ministry bending over backwards to give them royal treatment.

From bearing the expenses of their ceremonial clothing to daily allowances of $50 per day, the sports ministry on Tuesday said it has spent around Rs 7.4 lakh on the eight-member Indian contingent at the Winter Olympics in Vancouver, Canada. [Link]

Wow, a daily allowance of $50 per day! They'll be able to visit the prestigious French restaurant Lumière, order whatever they want on the menu -- six mushroom ravioli, Fraser Valley farm duck, braised eggplant & peppers -- and dash out before the bill arrives. No point in being a top athlete if you can't make a fast exit.

If they prefer to actually pay for their food, they can still eat like a king, loading their trays at Burger King. They can also eat like a queen, piling on the toppings at Dairy Queen.

Of course, they probably don't need to eat out at all. They have their own chef. His name is R.K. Gupta and he's listed as the Indian team's "Chef de Mission." My French is rusty, but I think that means cooking is his mission.

And let's not forget that they can get lots of free food at the Olympic Village -- Big Macs and other grub -- specially chosen by the Canadian Olympic Committee to ensure that visiting athletes have the best nutrition possible to maximize the medal count of Canada.

So don't you dare suggest that the Indian team isn't being treated well. Not only are they getting $50 per day, they also got to wear the coolest uniforms at the opening ceremony. Kudos to Indian officials who rejected uniforms donated by the Indo-Canadian communty and stuck with the original uniforms, which brought the team a lot more attention at the opening ceremony, as well as compliments such as "Are they sailors?" and "Wow, I didn't know that India had a Kmart!"

Let's move -- to fight childhood obesity

Childhood obesity is a major problem these days, and I’m not just saying that because someone cracked the seesaw in my neighborhood playground. All you have to do is visit any school and you’re likely to spot dozens of kids who have to walk sideways to enter the gym. That’s the only way they can squeeze past the gym teacher’s belly. (If the gym teacher is overweight, you know the kids are in trouble.)

According to the latest statistics, one out of every three American children is overweight –- and the other two refuse to step on the scale. Many of these children are considered “obese,” as determined by a mathematical formula in which a child's body weight in kilograms is divided by the square of his or her height in meters, then multiplied by the average number of Kit Kats consumed in a day.

Obesity puts children at risk for a number of health problems, such as diabetes, high blood pressure and sleep disorders, as well as back and hip pain, which, in most cases, is not related to falling off seesaws.

Thankfully, President Obama recently launched a campaign to fight childhood obesity. The campaign, called “Let’s Move,” will try to educate parents about the importance of nutrition and exercise. Obama hopes more parents and children will say “Let’s move” to each other, at least half as often as they say “Let’s munch.”

It’s a good campaign and I wouldn’t be surprised if most families do find themselves saying “Let’s move,” especially as part of a longer sentence such as “Let’s move to the dining room and munch.”

A gaffe with his staff

I saw the headline "U.S. Congressman asks Clinton to demote Rajiv Shah" and thought that the USAID director had done something seriously wrong. Perhaps Shah had bungled the U.S. relief efforts in Haiti, sending too much rice but not enough beans. Or perhaps he had handed a reconstruction job to an Indian-American Contractor, who doesn't do any contracting. But no, nothing of that sort.

U.S. Rep. John Conyers (D-Detroit) is calling on Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to demote the official coordinating relief efforts in Haiti, Dr. Rajiv Shah, for a lack of diversity on his staff. [Link]

In his letter to Clinton, Conyers wrote: "As you know, the 42 member Congressional Black Caucus met with Rajiv Shah, the Administrator of the U.S. AID yesterday to discuss the crisis in Haiti. I was alarmed and chagrined to learn that none of the approximately dozen staff he brought with him were African American. This is so serious an error in judgement that it warrants his immediate demotion to a subordinate position at AID. It is well known  that there has long been an under-representation of minorities in key positions within the State Department. I am confident this Administration will immediately begin addressing this problem." [Source: The Hill]

Poor Shah. Perhaps someone had told him that he'd be appearing in front of the Congressional White Caucus. Perhaps he was under the mistaken belief that race doesn't matter much in 2010, that he just has to surround himself with qualified people. Or perhaps he took his resemblance to Obama too seriously and forgot to speak with the right dialect.

iPad -- a name only a man could love

Apple unveiled its long-awaited iPad yesterday, and while it might be a terrific computing device, it has a name that will make millions of women think of one thing only. Period.

Here are some of the funny comments on Twitter, as compiled by the Winnipeg Free Press:

LizB: iPad. was there a woman on this naming team? will there be different sizes? Mini iPad, maxi iPad?

Gelatobaby: And you can use the giant QWERTY keyboard to get your period on the #iPad !

herbadmother: Seriously, 'iPad?' There are too many of us for whom the phrase 'my pad just failed' evokes horror that should never be linked to technology

TwittsMcGee: I haven't heard this many period jokes since I was forced to watch The View last month.

kathycacace: Okay, just one more. The iPad: protecting your data from embarrassing incidents.

Lymed: Does the Period Tracker app come free?

fauxfruit: If I order this, will my boyfriend and I have to worry if it comes late?

andBegorrah: If you and your friends all buy one, will they sync up?

vlvtjones: So will iffy Wifi coverage be called iSpotting?

babyruthless: Mac made an iPad. It's Mac's iPad. Say it with me. Mac's iPad. Seriously? No one said the name out loud?

morninggloria: Can I get a scented iPad for when my data feels not-so-fresh?

Freedom to enjoy empowered women

Freedom of speech. It's not something I take for granted. I grew up in Zambia during an era when you could say anything you wanted about the country's president, as long as you had already started the engine of your getaway plane. That's what I love about countries like America and Canada -- freedom of speech has no bounds, as long as you don't scream "Fire!" in a crowded theater, threaten the president or profess your undying love for Osama bin Laden. Okay, so it does have bounds, but you get the point. I don't remember the last time a journalist or author had to run away from an angry mob. It's just not the way things are done, as I learned several years ago when I tried to assemble a mob to chase Ann Coulter.

India allows a great amount of free speech, compared to many other countries. But just ask fans of Savita Bhabhi how free they are to enjoy her sexcapades. The cartoon seductress has been banned in India, perhaps to the delight of many a wife, who remembers the good old days when her husband got his thrills out of Asterix. As S. Mitra Kalita writes in the WSJ, Savita joins The Da Vinci Code, The Polyester Prince, and Royal Magazine as "examples of India's hindrance of free speech."

You might never have heard of Royal Magazine, but it's an example of the squelching of free speech in India that seems more common—preemptive and driven by fear. Editor in chief Ronak Vyas wrote to me and said, "I have been publishing an online magazine that features nudity and had my share of problems in India. To be honest I feel like you can get away with anything as long as you don't offend a particular person or group on a personal level."

This being India, offending someone is a given. This being India, also the world's largest democracy, the government needs to weigh what's more important and whether it draws the line too soon, too early.

Consider this comment from Gaurav Jain: It's "not about the internet or Savita alone, its (sic) a general lack of freedom in being able to criticise or comment on our holy cows (leaders, gods, other religious figures) … some mob somewhere will have a reason to protest most likely in a violent manner."

Like me, he wonders whether the controversy stems from Savita being an "empowered woman making her own choices, perhaps this is a threat to certain sections of society that prefer to see their wives as creatures who should stay indoors and rear the kids (which is ACTUAL subjugation)." [Wall Street Journal]

Savita was banned because she's an "empowered woman"??? Watch out Indra Nooyi, you could be next.

Fortunately, I've already downloaded hundreds of Indra's pics to my hard drive. Let me know if you want any. And please indicate your preference: business suit or sari.

Opening our hearts to Haiti

The devastating earthquake in Haiti turned into an opportunity for people around the world to show that they care –- and so far millions have opened their hearts in all sorts of ways. They've emptied their wallets, swiped their credit cards, and even withdrawn large amounts of cash from under their mattresses.

They've organized fundraising dinners –- pizza, spaghetti, barbecue –- drawing large crowds who just can’t resist the signs and posters that say “Pig out for Haiti” and “Stuff yourself for a good cause.”

Some schools held “Hats for Haiti” days, allowing students to wear hats in their classrooms if they donate at least $1. Other schools organized “Pajamas for Haiti” days, “Chew gum for Haiti” days, and the very popular “Kiss a Cheerleader for Haiti” days.

A Catholic school in Canada raised $4,000 by having a “dress-down day,” a very successful fundraiser, even if some boys were disappointed that not a single girl let her dress down.

At a Pennsylvania university, a group of students organized a coin drive, urging fellow students to search their dorm rooms for any money lying around. One international student managed to find millions of dollars. Unfortunately they were Zimbabwean dollars.

Getting intimate with the airport security officer

Don’t you just hate terrorists? Even when they fail, they make life difficult for us.

Back in December 2001, just three months after 9/11, Richard Reid, a passenger on an American Airlines flight, tried to ignite explosives hidden in his shoes. Fortunately for everyone on board, Reid’s shoe size was considerably higher than his IQ. He brought attention to himself, was subdued by passengers and is currently serving a life sentence at a maximum security prison in Colorado, the only prisoner in America required to wear plastic see-through shoes.

Thanks to the shoe bomber, many passengers were asked to remove their shoes as they passed through airport security and, as you can imagine, some of them made quite a stink. And others made a stink about the stink. As for me, I found myself cursing the shoe bomber in several languages, thanks to the book “The Rough Guide to World Cursing.”

Me: “$#@& shoe bomber! If it weren’t for him, I’d be able to travel without showing everyone the hole in my sock.”

Security officer: “That’s a big hole. Do you mind if I look inside it?”

Please check his blog!

Here's a funny video by "Tamil Superstar" Wilbur Sargunaraj (via India Uncut).

If you liked the song, don't miss Wilbur's interview on CBC Radio.

Fly T-class and enjoy your freedom

Sometimes you don't need a ticket to travel on a commercial airline. You just need a maintenance job at the airport. You can sneak onto a plane just before takeoff and fly T-class. That's toilet class.

An Indian man who returned to his home country from Saudi Arabia on an Air India flight without a ticket or a passport has been granted bail.

Stowaway Habib Hussain hid in the plane's toilet to escape what he said was a life of "bonded slavery". [Link]

If I was being held as a slave, I'd be willing to fly T-class too. The best part of flying T-class is that you don't have to stand in line to do your business. Another advantage, of course, is that you won't be served any airline food. A third plus is that you'll have plenty of legroom -- as long as you don't mind the hard seat.

Habib Hussain, who is from a village in Moradabad (UP), had gone to Saudi Arabia six months back and was employed as a loader by an agency providing services at Medina Airport. Habib boarded the aircraft for maintenance work in the Airbus A-330's toilet and locked himself in. He was spotted mid-air in the plane carrying 273 Haj pilgrims and arrested at Sanganer Airport in Jaipur late on the night of December 25. [Link]

What was he doing carrying all those pilgrims? I'm not sure. It would have been better for him to stay put in the toilet, instead of showing off his manhood.

Later, in an exclusive interview to TOI (published on January 4), Habib said that Indian workers were treated like cattle in Saudi Arabia and because of this harassment, he chose to travel without passport and ticket. He also claimed that he paid Rs 1 lakh to an agent for the job in Saudi Arabia, for which he had to sell his ancestral properties in Moradabad. [Link]

He gave an exclusive interview to Times of India (TOI), but only after receiving a text message from his lawyer: "Let TOI write about TOIlet."

Indian workers being treated like cattle in Saudi Arabia is nothing new -- it's been happening for years. Saudi employers know they can lure many Indians with lofty promises such as, "We will treat you as well as we treat our cows!"

Farewell to the decade, whatever you call it

It’s hard to believe that a whole decade has passed and we still don’t know what to call it. That’s a big problem for music companies, which sold millions of CDs with titles such as “Pop Hits of the ’80s” and “Dance Hits of the ’90s,” but just haven’t sold many copies of “Hip-Hop Hits of the ???”

Should we call it the ‘zeroes’ or the ‘ohs’ or the ‘naughts’? Many people seem to like the term ‘naughties’ or ‘noughties,’ but I think that would be too confusing.

Man: “Did you know that Tiger Woods was voted the athlete of the naughties?”

Woman: “Big surprise! Next you’ll be telling me that Donald Trump was voted the sugar daddy of the beauties.”

Whatever you call it, one thing is certain: it was a decade that changed the world in ways we couldn’t have imagined in the ’80s and ’90s. Perhaps the biggest change came in technology: everything went wireless and digital, allowing a man driving his car in New York City to take a photo of a plane making an emergency landing in the Hudson River and send it instantly to his children in the backseat. It saved him the trouble of shouting, “Hey kids, stop texting for a second and look at this!”

The best Christmas song this year

Evan Taubenfeld's song "Merry Swiftmas" is funny and has a catchy tune. What's not to love.

Glenn Beck flushes away again

Glenn Beck of Fox News has shared his opinion on why it costs less to get medical treatment in India than in America:

I decided to interview the renowned Indian proctologist Dr. Freddy Reddy to get his reaction to Beck's statements.

Me: "Dr. Reddy, Glenn Beck says that the extra money spent on healthcare in America goes to, quote, 'high-tech hospitals and doctors who studied at Harvard rather than Gajra Raja medical school.' What do you think of that?"

Reddy: "I'm very surprised. I didn't know that Gajra Raja was so well-known in America. The Medical Council of India recently derecognized Gajra Raja for not having high standards, but they may have to reconsider. I'm sure the administrators of Gajra Raja have already created an ad that says: 'Gajra Raja -- mentioned on Fox News in the same sentence as Harvard.'"

Me: "Glenn Beck also says that health care workers in America make more money because, quote, 'they have an American lifestyle, maybe a couple of cars, great union benefits, and homes with something that we in America like to call flush toilets.' What do you say about that?"

Reddy: "Flush toilet? What is that? Is it a toilet in an open area? When someone sees you, your face goes flush." 

Me: "No, it's a toilet with a tank and a lever. You flush everything down a pipe."

Reddy: "Oh yes, we built one of those in India once. When President Bush came here, he insisted on having a flush toilet and we built one for him. It was a mobile one, so he could take it all over the country. I believe it's in a museum now. The Museum of Western Oddities."

Me: "Glenn Beck says that India is a beautiful country, especially near, quote, 'that one big river they have there that sounds like a disease. Come on, it does. I mean, if somebody said, 'I'm sorry, you have a really bad case of Ganges,' you'd want Cipro.'"

Reddy: "That's interesting he should say that, because I just had a patient who came to me with a pain in his bottom. I examined him and determined that he had a bad case of Glennbeckroids."

Me: "Were you able to help him?"

Reddy: "Yes, I just pulled the stick out."

Save money -- get a cardboard windshield

Just when you thought it was safe to drive on the highway, just when you felt relieved that the government had banned cell phones while driving, here comes a truck with a windshield made of cardboard. And a bright-as-a-turnip driver who's sticking his head out the window to see where he's going. (Straight to the unemployment line, that's where.)

The trucker has now lost his licence, after he drove 800km (500 miles) down a motorway with a sheet of cardboard covering his shattered windscreen.

Sing Li, 24, navigated by sticking his head out of the driver’s window. Unfortunately, this caused him to become rather cold - when he was arrested in Henan, eastern China, not only was one eye frozen shut, but his head was blue from the cold.

'I didn't want to fall behind in my delivery schedule and I couldn't afford a repair,' he told a court. [Link]

It must have been a tough choice -- whether to fall behind his delivery schedule or scare the bejesus out of thousands of drivers. 

His mistake, of course, was not reading the Department of Transportation's pamphlet "How to Make a Windshield out of Cardboard." He could have saved himself a lot of trouble by just following Rule No. 1: Before sticking the cardboard on your truck, make sure you cut out a pair of eye holes.

An open letter to Kumar Barve

Dear Kumar,

I heard you were miffed about not being invited to President Obama's recent state dinner for Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh and I'd like to express my sympathy. I was shocked you weren't included. You are, after all, the majority leader in the Maryland House of Delegates and the longest-serving Indian-American elected official in U.S. history. In fact, when I heard that Obama was hosting a dinner for Singh with hundreds of guests, the first name that popped into my head was "Kumar Barve."

I asked a group of my friends to name a likely guest and they shouted in unison: "Kumar!" Most of them were thinking, of course, of the guy from Harold and Kumar. But I'm sure that one or two were thinking of you.

The other Kumar, incidentally, now works for Obama in the White House, which makes it even more perplexing that he would overlook his namesake. It would be like Salman Khan throwing a party and not inviting Salman Rushdie. Okay, bad example.

My book has a home

I'm pleased to announce that my humorous novel will be published in 2010, around July, by Hachette India, a branch of the world's largest general books publisher. Hachette has been in India for only a few years, publishing its first local book, My Friend Sancho, this past May. The novel, by Amit Varma, was the highest selling fiction debut of the year. I hope to follow in Amit's footsteps -- that's why I've decided to title my book My Friend Pancho.

Actually, my book will be called Sancho Takes The Plunge. No, wait -- it's Bala Takes The Plunge. As reader Viswa aptly put it, the novel is also about me taking a plunge. I've been writing humor columns for almost 15 years and enjoyed doing so, but I consider that period somewhat of an apprenticeship. It has allowed me to experiment with humor, to see what works and what doesn't. The time has come to plunge into something new, without giving up the old (not yet, anyway). I hope to write more novels in the coming years, even if I have to publish them myself and sell them all to my mother. (If you happen to be one of my relatives, please buy 10 copies of Bala Take The Plunge, even if you have to make two trips to the bookstore in your Nano.)

My book will be launched in Chennai -- and hopefully go high enough to reach other cities. I plan to visit Chennai and a few other cities to promote the book. If you don't live in India, you'll still be able to buy the book online, perhaps from India Plaza. You can also wait until the book is published in your country. But if you live in Saudi Arabia, I wouldn't hold my breath. (The Saudi authorities are eager to see me take a plunge -- into the Indian Ocean.)

I'll keep you updated on any book news. And, of course, I'll create a Facebook page for the book, so we can easily exchange messages about it.

Me: "Did you buy the book?"

You: "Yes."

Me: "How many copies?"

You: "Just one."

Me: "Just one?!! What about your dog? Don't you want to buy a copy for him?"

You: "My dog can't read."

Me: "So what? Neither can my relatives!"

You: "Is that true?"

Me: "Well, a few of them can't read. But they're still buying my book."

You: "Why are they bothering?"

Me: "I told them that I mentioned them in the acknowledgments page."

Book your flight for some Indian hospitality

If you’re looking for a reason to visit India, let me tell you about one of the biggest tourist attractions in my homeland. It has bright lights, talented performers and theatres that will put you in stitches. Yes, I’m talking about Apollo Hospital in Chennai, which has hundreds of fluorescent lights, well-trained doctors and several operating theatres.

Hey, you may not be in Paris, but at least you’ll be in plaster of Paris.

Actually, it depends on what procedure you’re having done. You can do almost anything at Apollo, except go to the moon. You can have your heart bypassed, your knee replaced, your face lifted and your wallet lightened.

It’s called medical tourism, the reason hundreds of thousands of people fly to India every year. And you thought they were heading there for jobs! Well, only a few of them are.

Thirty-year-old man: “First my job went to India, now I’m going to India for a job.”

Friend: “What kind of a job?”

Thirty-year-old: “A nose job. I’ve wanted to get one for a long time.”

Friend: “Really? How much will it cost?”

Thirty-year-old: “I don’t know the exact figure. But I’m certain of one thing: I won’t be paying through the nose.”

Don't mess with Gandhi

The Mahatma Gandhi statue in San Francisco is often the target of vandals and pranksters. They find it particularly thrilling to snatch the spectacles off the Mahatma’s face, much to the dismay of city officials. "The last pair lasted two months," senior registrar Allison Cummings recently told C.W. Nevius of the San Francisco Chronicle. As one commenter on the Chronicle’s website wrote: “First, Gandhi gets stiffed for a Nobel Prize, then gets his glasses ripped off. What's a holy man gotta do to get some respect?”

The solution is simple: Give Gandhi a mechanical arm, one that comes down hard on the head of any vandal. Smack! That'll teach 'em.

What's that you say? Gandhi believed in non-violence? He wouldn't hurt a fly? Okay then, let's put two mechanical arms on him, so he can give the vandal a big hug -- and hold him tightly until the police arrive.

Photos by brothergrimm and William Hartz